August 13, 2017

Sky Blue

幸せになってくれなきゃ困るぜ (Baby)
素晴らしい未来へ 愛を叫べ

You've just gotta become happy, (Baby)
Shout this love to a wonderful future

愛を叫べ (Ai wo Sakebe), Arashi
(because One Love for wedding theme is overrated IMO... haha!)

I scrolled my journal and to my horror, there were only TWO entries for this year? O.o 
The lack of posts means either I'm under much stress that I couldn't even be bothered to write anything (because essentially writing is how I vent out previously), or I found better ways to de-stress. 

Or, I do no more traveling for whatever reasons. =( My last trip was to Korea last May and I foresee that there will probably be no more traveling next... 1 year. Or more. 
Anyway, it may be the combinations of all three factors mentioned above.

However, since today is a special day, I'll jot something here to bookmark the day.

//Arashians' gathering on Ija's wedding
.Picture courtesy of Annys and Zura.

Sometimes weddings are the only time and place to catch up with your friends, especially now when everyone's working different jobs and places and have different priorities etc. I haven't met these girls in ages!

//Zeti also matched our blue-coloured unoffical theme XD

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS to Ija and husband. May your life filled with barakah and happy memories, insyaAllah.

It's a bit difficult to explain how Ija and I knew each other, but it's also the (only) same answer I have if people asked how I knew the girls in the first picture- Arashi. And like the F4's, it started from Arashi Forum (which is no longer exist I must say)- so that dated back in.... 2009 - 2010... ? (because korek2 LJ, earliest mention of Ija was her birthday shoutout back in 2010).
Anyway, from fandom to lepak-ing buddies to coffee-mate after work and occassional trips / sleepovers domestically and overseas (Japan and Singapore je pon), I think Ija is one of the few who actually had witnessed my bimbo-moments, especially during driving -.-;
I guess now she doesn't have to see that anymore XD

After I've transferred to KL and started working in Putrajaya, I commuted by train and later we found the easiest way to catch up was at dinner and coffee after work, since she's also traveling via train. And since then, our regular catch-up / shopping / coffee session has became one of my ways of de-stressing (aka ranting) and keeping my sanity in check.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for spending your time listening to my work-rant and about life in general, Ija =) The frequency to catch up probably won't be as many as before but I do hope that this friendship will last.

//F4 (missing Aimee) and Ijaji

//We need to fix a date for another of F4 meet up!
It was a good chance to catch up with Ai and Jules too; a tad short for Ai but Jules and I had coffee before going home and talked some more; yeah, that's the separation anxiety peeking up XP

//Also, thanks for the surprise! Ape la pulak pengantin bagi surprise present ni? XD

June 11, 2017

One Step

またひとつ夜が明けて 誰の胸にも眩しい光が 差し込めば
過ぎた日を思うより 新しい何か見つけたくて 歩いた

持ち合わせの言葉じゃ 育てた気持ち伝えること 出来ずに
不器用と言われても 自分に嘘をつけないから 顔上げた

涙を隠して 笑顔見せた
今も聞こえてくる あの日のままの思いが

雨が上がり また歩き出す 昨日と少し 違う気持ちで
Hey 全てに意味があるさ

Another dawn has come When the bright light shines into someone's heart
Rather than thinking of the days long past, they'll want to find something new and walk forward

The words you have on hand weren't enough to describe the emotions that'd been growing inside
But though you might be told you're awkward, because you can't lie to yourself, you raised your head

Hiding my tears, I showed a smile
I can still hear the feelings from those days talking to me

The rain stops and we start walking again, feeling slightly different than yesterday
Hey Everything has a meaning
One Step [The Digitalian, 2014], 嵐 Arashi

//The right watch was a birthday present my sister gave when I was in my first year of housemanship.
The watch on the left was a farewell gift from my previous department, which marked my new journey

One week plus
I'm still adapting. Changing places, new environment, new routine, new challenges... I'm never really good at quickly adapting, hence this may also take some time.
I still have palpitations going to work in the morning...
I still have worries when I go back home.
I still feel anxious knowing next few days would be my first day, my first weekend round, will be my first oncall and my first weekend call...
I still... have reservation towards everything and everyone at this point of time.

No matter if I've tried to prepare myself mentally for months, knowing it and actually facing it in reality are two different things.
This is yet another first step I'm taking
When you think that you've passed through one hurdle, another one seems higher and bigger.
When I was 16, I thought moving to Terengganu and changed school, left with no choice to take one particular subject I was trying to avoid was hard... It took me 6 months to adapt.
When I was 18, 1 month in Matriculation, living alone, making new friends despite the fact that I was introvert was hard... hence it was huge relief when I was accepted into pre-university foundation programme in Perth; the transition wasn't as difficult as it was in Matrics...
When I was 23 and had to repeat from Year 2 uni, I thought that was my biggest hurdle... it was, at that time that is. I didn't know there were more to come... towards end of our study years, our batch had some problems and it drove us past frustration but all was well afterwards and we finally were able to start work by August-September 2011

And there it was, at 27, working 300+ km away from home, I changed... became more reclusive, suddenly much less talking apart from at work to a point my housemates were worried about me. I was in a defence mechanism, which was actually part of my adaptation process. It was almost similar to when I was 16, when we moved to Terengganu. And it took me 6 months to finally being able to say "I'm comfortable working this job."

At 29/30, you think I've been accustomed to a new place, especially when it's closer to home... but nooooooo.... again, it took me more than 6 months to finally like my job, the new place and new environment.

So what makes me think that at this age, 33, it would be any different? Especially when it comes with heavier responsibilities with added title of a student?

I still have this penetrating cycle of thoughts that questioned my decision to take this path; of 'why did I choose a harder road?' 'why burden myself when there's an easier choice?' 'now you know why a lot of people quit this programme, right?' 'can you do it?' 'won't you quit already?' 'why did you have to go out of your comfort zone'.
Honestly, they are suffocating. And they make me nauseated, anxious and almost regret my decision.
Until I realize that's exactly what happened back when I first started working, comparing myself with my other friends whose had weekends and public holiday to rest and spend time with their families and I envy them... Hence I need to break that cycle of thoughts and find other ways of adapting.

I'm lucky that I still have my parents close with me and home to go back to as a place of solace. I'm fortunate my friends are around when I need them. Things may and will get harder from now on but I need to remind myself that لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا (Quran, 2:286)

//These 2 were with me when we set off as houseman, and they came to distract me from work a few days ago

April 24, 2017


It's only April and I had taken 4 MCs within 2 weeks O.o I was down some URTI and fever 3 weeks ago then it escalated into bad sore throat that rendered me voiceless, like literally no voice at all that I had to take MCs! I even consulted the ENT team and they did a quick scope and I've never felt more relieved knowing my vocal cord is normal! Yup, not only singers and teachers need their voices to work okay, I had to take MC because I just can't communicate with the patients and had to be on voice-rest :(

My voice is coming back slowly , it's not as raspy as previously but it's still not normal yet. The cough still persists though... and I suspect it will last for another month or so, just as previously. 

I finally watched Shigatsu Kimi no Uso (Your Lie in April) live action and I LOVE it! Came across the soundtrack and insert songs and stumbled upon Seven's Orange (2nd Ending song for the anime version) and I absolutely love love LOVE them all! I have a feeling that I'd be playing the songs on loop for the next few days :)

Apart from that, we had a reunion- my classmates when I was in Standard 6 in Primary School! That's like.... 21 years ago okay! Someone actually went through all the troubles to initiate the group and surprisingly we've gotten everyone except for this one guy (and to be honest, I have no recollection of him ^^; ). So we decided a meet-up is a must and Saturday night was supposed to be the first official reunion but more than half of the class couldn't make it, so next time we'll plan it during school holiday, I guess since quite a number are actually teachers and some are living outside Klang Valley area.

On the other note... this cousin of mine will be leaving for Hong Kong at the end of this month :(  She'll be outstation for the next 6 to 8 months and I'd loose one ear to listen to all my whining , cries and stories...

It will be tough years coming ahead, if I'm accepted into the Masters programme... and that means more time and energy time spent for work and studying, more stress coming, less break and holidays (there goes my periodical must-have-holiday T_T), less time to join missions and to be honest I need all the support I could get in next 4 years... This is even more nerve-wrecking than when I first started working okay

To be honest... I'm scared. I don't know if I'm mentally and physically prepared. Past months had been tough enough and I was overworked to a point of getting sick... I also think that part of it is I've gotten too complacent at my current place, so I'm so scared now to a point of wishing that I'd not make the list...

This will probably be among the places where I rant...

I'm oncall tomorrow.... and the precall blues have started *sighs*