Closing August Chapter pt 2: [Scenery] The Reflection

#np풍경(Scenery)byV 

Who would have thought that in 2020 things went by the way it did. It's the last day of August, in Malaysia we are celebrating our 63rd Independence Day in a new norm, with the theme of "Malaysia Prihatin".

For most of us, time probably stand still for quite some time, went for a slow-mo maybe, or perhaps just downright disaster.  Amid the battle against COVID-19 pandemic worldwide, there were many sad, frustrated and devastating happenings as well for the past 8 months. While some are starting to make some recovery, some decided to contribute to that recovery, some are perhaps still stuck and struggling.

On a more personal level, August has been an up-and-down roller-coaster ride for me. I was looking forward to the end of August initially, mainly because I'd turn 36 on the 28th, thinking how should I spend the day... but the concatenation of events starting in February this year had a complete different course for me.

The realization of the weight of the responsibility and accountability that I'd carry in the next phase of my career, to be honest, scared me to death. Literally. Just thinking about it alone is terrifying. I talked about this to my confidante just before my part 2 theory exam- at that time I wasn't just unprepared for the exam, but I was also unprepared for the title and responsibility that come along with passing the exam. I even thought of deferring... that's how scared I was. And that fed to my self-doubt and self-critique about my own work-competency.

But life must go on, we passed our theory paper... Miraculously.

And then COVID-19 happened.

Time stopped.

While most sectors paused due to world-wide lockdown, the essential services went on. And we're part of it. So exams aside, work came first.

Until 2 months ago when things eased up and daily activities resumed with new norms, the essential services also continue. And for us, the postponement of our exam means we have slightly a little bit of time to prepare.

But you know what happened to that fear I had previously? It snowballed. Slowly at first, but incidents after incidents just pushed it into an avalanche.

Some people perhaps had a little break during the lock-down. But some of us didn't. And I can't afford one when the exam is just around the corner. We couldn't slow down, we had to shift gear.

Taking a completely different role in the new semester while have not yet passed the exam- new on-call role, new seniority role, covering the roster, trying to catch up with studying, and at the same time trying to abate your fear, anxiety, and self-doubt, perhaps I had a little too much on my plate.

To some people, perhaps work is just.... work, you know... but our work deals directly with someone's health and to an extent life and death situation. So perhaps that weight... I thought I wasn't ready to carry them yet. Part of me still thinks I still am not ready yet, to be honest.

And when that thought repeatedly invaded your mind and playing recurrently without you being able to stop it, like an unhealthy obsession, you can even spiralled down into 'depression'. Pretending to be okay, while suffocating and unsure how to reach out for help, it consumed me to a point I just wanted things to end quickly. Now that I'm out of that box, I never want to feel that feeling of desolated anymore. Ever.

Because nothing I did was able to take me out of it.

God perhaps had a different plan for me from what I had in my mind. And He sent me help through means that I didn't expect. And I realized, perhaps I should have been kinder to myself, less harsh of a critique and lean more on others a little bit more.

Many years ago, I learned that when you fall, it's what you choose to do after that fall that matters. How fast you want to get up? How long you want to stay down? What method will you use to get up? These are things that will decide on your next step and future journey.

And in that small, heavy climb I'm taking at the moment, I know that some things are just unavoidable. Responsibility and accountability towards your job and your life choices, the words you choose, and the actions you take, they will all come back to you. If not soon or the near future, it will be later. And if you're a Muslim, all of these will be questioned on the Day of Judgement- hence the concept of Ihsan.

I'm closing this August chapter with a new prologue for September; a new challenge, to rise and climb.

Perhaps all of this sounds a little dramatic. Maybe it is. But this is my book of journey. So, here's to the 36-year-old me: hang in there, don’t give up, and may the next adventure bring more beneficial knowledge and wisdom, and be kind to all.

Watch this, this is my scenery at this moment.

Sidenote,

Happy 63rd Independence Day, Malaysia!

If you stumble down, get up.

you can take a bit of rest for a while, but GET UP

and continue your journey...

Related post: Closing August Chapter pt 1: [#Scenery] The Birthday Collection [via my IG @wani_z]

Reflection : [Crystal Snow]

I've been wanting to jot something down here... But a series of events since my last entry rendered me unable to write. I've written a few entries though in my personal journal, for a time like this- reflecting and analyzing. 

I keep thinking, it's a bit weird that in my mid-30s, this kind of thought and struggle would surround my life. I would have never imagined walking down this path; I mean, back then you would have expected by mid-30s, walking through to 40s, you would have had a stable career, building a home and family and perhaps embarking into a more mature stage in life. 

But perhaps God has different plans for everyone. And I guess to each their own story, struggle, and journey.

You'll notice that I'm repeating the same word again and again- struggle.

Because that has been going on for the past almost one month.

Now that I'm looking back, I think the snowballing started off mid of July and then a series of events at work fed to the negative feelings and thoughts, and everything became too overwhelming that I broke down and stopped functioning for a while.

While recovering -if you would call it that- I noticed that I had the same recurring thoughts that fed to my fear and anxiety. And it spiraled out of control to a point of suffocating me and it started to disturb my work as my-self esteem plummeted more and more. It got to a point where I contacted my colleague in Psychiatry for help as the methods that used to work in alleviating the stress weren't working anymore and I kept crying at small disturbing thoughts.

The most dangerous thing during that period was how I thought I was doing okay and believed I was doing so.

Until the thought of wanting to sleep and not waking up anymore screamed louder than my own thought.

That short 48 hours of my life -when I had a small taste of not being able to feel other emotions than sadness, desolation, isolation, frustration, and everything seemed dark around me- was not something that I ever wanted to feel again, to be honest. I couldn't laugh or smile, or even enjoy the slightest thing. I only cried. 

This might sound dramatic, but now that I'm out of that box, I think I am finally able to understand why someone can choose an extreme way out and I can say that it has nothing to do with either you're a religious person or not. It's that extreme fear that you're trying to get away from and anything else seemed like a better option, a way out compared to that fear.

And it's not that I didn't want to reach out or talk to someone... I had a lot of people whom I trust around me at that time- my mom, my closest cousin, my closest friends. I just didn't know how to reach out, what to say and how to express it... and the worst part was, I knew how to put an act like everything was okay.

A stressor may seem trivial to one person, but a similar situation may give a totally different effect on another and they may struggle differently too. I guess in those moments, even though some time alone would be good, it's important to check on them and don't leave them be too long on their own. 

It's true that different people cope differently but I believe it's also helpful to express the troubles and not bottle everything up even though you feel like you know what's going on and you think that you've got this in your hands.

Trust me, I listed down the problems one by one, where the roots were, what the triggers were and I even listed what I've tried to overcome the fears, doubts, and worries. And let me tell you it included prayers, short retreat with my family and I even forced myself to join the group exercise just to get those endorphins going.

But Alhamdulillah, God sent me an unexpected friend whom I ended up opened up to, and perhaps hearing myself out loud and admitting them to someone did make some difference.

I am thankful that today I am able to wake up without that heavy feeling and finally able to enjoy life and able to function. And yesterday was the day I woke up and felt... almost normal, and I'm almost back to my old self.

Saying this, my self-esteem issues not yet resolved, but I'm working on it insyaAllah

This is just a reminder to myself, to be kinder to myself and other people next time I see them struggling with life... and not to judge too fast... You never know what's going on in their life...