It was an anticipated future,

but it didn't make it less painful.

Had a bad emotional breakdown last Sunday.

I guess the dam just broke with a little nudge of "How are you doing? How's life?"

It was already cracking for the past 2 weeks, but somehow the fort was still holding on-
The first crack was a simple message of "It's okay, you're strong"-
The second nudge was something that happened at home that made me question my life existence-
The push was the question of "How are you doing? How's life?"

It calmed down after a while and got distracted with the workout
But a meeting with one who knows me inside out at lunch, and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

But alhamdulillah,
it was a session that I needed
to lay everything out and say them out loud
because it finally sorted the tangles I had in my mind
that keep on recurring, making me more anxious, upset, and fearful

But now I had said everything aloud,
pieces of broken thoughts finally laid out in the open-
and things seem like falling into place like a jigsaw puzzle-
and it's easier to straighten the tangles now-
and it's easier to sort the feelings and emotions attached to it-
and it's easier to label them and make decisions that need to be made.

We planned, but Allah also plans
And Allah's plans are far greater and wiser than ours
we may not see the effect of it now
but I'm sure we will look back in the future and be glad that it turned the way it is now.

It may also be a reminder for me,
a nudge, a tap on the shoulder, a lesson-
that maybe I've astrayed too much and too far-
that maybe I need to sort out my priorities again-
or maybe He is preparing me for something bigger-
or maybe it's His way of bringing me closer to Him

Wallahualam bissawab.

A Year-plus Later

Unfiltered.
these thoughts I'm having in my mind now, that I'm penning down

Journaling was my vent-out session.
It started back when I was 11 or 12. Most of them were fear, silent frustration, teenage-angst outburst, battles, and conflicts against myself; and it went on until the completion of high school.

Then I moved most of them online- mainly acted like letters to Mom when I was studying in Perth, things that I couldn't find ways to voice out during phone call, I penned them into online blogging and posts.

And then big hiccups happened, and I was back home.
And social media platforms opened up and evolved throughout the years.
We also changed following the trend.
I still wrote privately, though, from pens and books, then cataloging them into different Word files.

Subsequently, less and less onto this particular platform.
Mainly because I found different ways to vent-
SocMed, live-vent to trusted circle;
And different distraction, healing, venting method- travel, volunteer works, courses and classes (for some reasons), and physical activities which included hiking, running, working out...

Hence less and less onto here.

Past few years however, it was no longer because I found different methods to vent
It was more like, I became so withdrawn and cocooned so much into self-doubt and fear, that I have lost the ability to vent and voice out. The recurring thoughts that were self-destructive were eating up whatever salvation I had. 

My time froze.

Until last August-September, 2025:

New surrounding that was somewhat refreshing, almost like stepping out of a "comfort zone"
A short reflection session with a mentor, which brought an impact that I never anticipated-

Chatting sessions to suddenly became breakdown sessions unexpectedly, and I guess were some push that I needed, to let my ears listen to the silent recurring thoughts that were haunting me-

A sudden decision to hit back into the gym, persuaded by the same cousins who roped me in 6-7 years ago, thinking that I needed that back-up support system on top of calculating on how to build some reserve to avoid, or at least delay the sarcopenia and cognitive impairment-

Talking to different people whom I've never really had a deep talk with previously and meeting fresh people with different perspectives; these have helped to push me off the edges and made me realize that falling isn't too bad.... yes, it hurt, but I just have to pick myself back up again-

Now,
I feel like time has slowly moved again
A bit less scary now that I'm slowly taking the definitive steps out of the "comfort zone"

Don't get me wrong...
The fear is still there- the commitment-phobic self that had been created for the past almost three decades wouldn't be an easy feat to overcome
I still have a lot of work to do on myself-
It's like, after one hurdle that you thought had drained all your blood, sweat, and tears, and that's it, there was nothing tougher than what you had gone through, another mountain and terrain suddenly reveal themselves to you...

BUT!

But we'll get there.

One step at a time.

One.
step.
at.
a.
Time.

p/s- out of the many trials, facing the you-who-have-a-lot-of-doubts a.k.a. myself is the toughest still.

Sekian, bebelan dan reflection tengah malam.

Voicing My Fear

I’m scared. Let me say that again: I’m scared.

One of the main reasons I asked for a full in-campus programme during MMed is how long it takes me to adapt to a new place. I realized this when I was 16. Moving from KL to Kerteh was one of the hardest transitions back then.

Of course, there was a lot of moving and shifting afterward, but I also noticed that Allah put me within my support system in all those transitions, and there was ease amid the difficulties indeed. But my next phase is… maybe because of a lot of ‘unknown’ circumstances, people, and environment… and maybe because I’ve become too comfortable currently staying at home for the past 1 year, I’m now overly anxious… afraid, even.

I think I’m not afraid to work hard… I’m just afraid of the judgment and the inability to cope with expectations. And physically, I feel I have less endurance now… and I don’t have a support system, I guess….? Like, how do I unwind at the end of the day? How do I cope? How fast can I adapt?
And for someone who’s easily overly nervous, the situation doesn’t help….

I’m trying to tell myself: Maybe it’s time to ‘re:set’

Reset the intention
Reset the routine
Reset the mindset, a.k.a. the way I look at things

Maybe 2025 is a ‘RE: SET’ year.

Recently, I came across a drama, Jeongyon: The Star is Born. I was so taken and impressed by the main lead that I instantly became a fan and tried to look for her other dramas and movies. She’s so talented, this girl! I was even more amazed when I learned that she had prepared for the role since April 2021! AND she was also working on other projects on top of that… So I thought…. “Ahh, this kind of preparation also EXISTS…”

Hence, reflecting on it, I know the 3-year programme in Geriatric Medicine that I’m currently in is probably short… will it be sufficient for me…? Especially if I’m going to be in this field for the next 20 years at least. At least, that gives me a little bit of courage to face 2025- that I know I have to go through this anyway for my training...

…

…

I’m still scared, though… to be honest.

On a different note, the 2 Kim Tae Ri's movies that I have not yet seen are ‘Little Forest’ and ‘1987: When the Day Comes’. No matter how much I search, I just couldn’t find ways to watch them, so if you can give me on little hint, do let me know….

I may go back into hiatus after this post. 

To you who are facing challenges, tested with illness and trials, may Allah ease your affairs… And amidst the business and our taxing schedule, remember that the genocide in Palestine is still ongoing and the world is still silent… as the tears form again, let’s do our part too. #FreePalestine.

Wallahualam bissawab.

Enough is enough!

 

A Pause;

By the time I realized it, I have not been jotting anything here for the past... more than a year or so.

When I started posting my Iceland trip entries, I was entering an uphill struggle in my working phase- too little time, too many things on my plate, and rather too scanty of some sort of support with too little air to breathe. While registrar time had me prepared somewhat for my new role at that time, certain unprecedented events took me by surprise, and perhaps my being extra-overwhelmed when I shouldn't, threw me off my balance and I just lost all control and spiraled down.

Maybe only a handful of people know what was really going on behind the scene. And to this handful of people, I am most grateful for.

Now that I am out of that phase and looking back, although it seemed like it was my darkest period so far, to the point I was seeking professional help, it was a blessing in disguise in many ways; it answered a LOT of questions I had and opened up a lot of OPPORTUNITIES to improve myself, especially mentally and spiritually.

That said, I will be taking yet another pause to pursue my studies, so yes, another chapter and another journey. This time (I feel as though) I'm on my own, alone to take on this path... until I found comrades along the way, I hope.

But, (and this is to remind myself) hasbunallah wani'mal wakeel

حَسْبُنَا ٱللَّهُ وَنِعْمَ ٱلْوَكِيلُ

Allah (Alone) is sufficient for us and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs.

Will be continuing the Iceland trip if I got the time, insyaAllah.

Iceland, The Healing Journey- Part 3/9: Golden Circle

Checked out our BnB in Reykjavik early the next morning and headed to Golden Circle. We estimated to spend half the day there before departing to Kirkjubaeklaustur slightly past / above Vik where our next BnB, Giljaland Accomodation was located at.

// On the way to Golden Circle. As we left Reykjavik, we were greeted by the snowy hills and sides

// And as we drove near Thingvellir National Park, we were greeted by the frozen lake!

If day 1 started with cool-rainy-morning-turn-clear-blue-sky, day 2 started off with bright blue sky amidst the snow-capped mountains and landscape throughout the journey to Golden Circle. 3 main attractions in Golden Circle- Thingvellir National Park, Geysir Geothermal Area and Gulfoss Waterfall. Thingvellir National Park is about 45km away from Reykjavik so it takes roughly under an hour to reach there. The whole Golden Cirlce is about 200+km, takes around 3 hours driving in total, not including stops, sightseeing and other delays. You can also opt to book Golden Circle tour/s from Reykjavik.

D took the driver seat and N became the co-driver, and we couldn’t stop gawking at the sceneries unfolding before us. I'll just let the pictures describe them okay.

It's a huge park. In the summer it gives you a totally different scenary.

First stop: Thingvellir National Park, where there are a lot of hiking trails & waterfalls you can discover, especially during summer time. The park is HUGE and the lake was frozen still in March. But the white landscape that was before us was breathtaking nonetheless. There's a visitor centre and toilets along with small cafe and souvenirs sold. There's a parking fees per vehicle but there are no other entrance fees and you hike up the trails at your own risks as long as you walk within the stipulated paths- which is pretty much similar every where else.

The hiking trails

The view from near the Visitor's Centre

As you walk down the walking trail on the right, you'd hear the sound of waterfall & river rushes

And if you walk down further on the trail, you may find the Oxararfoss Waterfall

Next: Geysir Geothermal Area where you can hike up the viewpoint area and witness an epic view of the valleys below. There are a few geysers around- Strokkur erupts intermittently so you can wait to catch it. I didn't manage to catch it on the video unfortunately and we didn't want to wait for another round to walk up to the viewpoint. 

Ok, so we took the wrong entrance, but the background was perfect for photos!

Finally found the right entrace; this is Litli Geysir

Strokkur is the biggest one, couldn't catch it in action when it erupted

Blesi- yes, the temperature of the hot spring is 80-100 degree celsius!

On the way up...

The view from up here was just breathtaking

And the weather suddenly changed while we were up at the viewpoint. So we decided to go down to the visitor's centre for lunch before going to the next stop.

Gullfoss waterfall is just around 10-15 minutes away from Geysir- I have no other word except MAJESTIC to describe the waterfall where the glacial water run below us! In summer, the trails along the waterfall (the Trail of Sigridur) are open to public and you could walk alongside it and just appreciate the sheer magnificent beauty of the waterfall- you might even catch a rainbow!

The first thought that came to my mind when I saw this before my eyes: MAJESTIC!

The yellow lines are the hiking trails

Presenting to you: Gullfoss!

We decided to have lunch at the Geysir- each of these attractions, they have visitor's centre with restaurants and souvenir shops. You can either make your stop at Geysir or Gullfoss for lunch/meals. We made that decision because it was starting to be windy and snowy, and we were already hungry. 

From Gullfoss, it took us another 2 hours to get to Kirkjubaeklauster, where we would be staying. 

I overlooked the fact that Seljalandsfoss Waterfall and Skogafoss Waterfall were just off the road along the highway to Vik so we had to forgo Skogafoss in the interest of time and decided we would drop by on the way back. We were able to stop at Seljalandsfoss waterfall however but it was getting late and the walkway to walk behind the waterfall was closed. There were 2 smaller waterfalls near Seljalandsfoss if you walk along the trail path.

Seljalandsfoss Waterfall- where you can walk behind the curtain of the waterfall falling

These were the other two smaller waterfalls along the hiking trail

Freshwater where you can refill your water bottles

I kid you not, we did just that

Short walk due to an interest of time, but it was worth it! Wish we could spend more time here.

Seljalandsfoss in a nutshell:

The scenery changed from snowy mountains to roads alongside yellowish-greenish hills with a lot of small waterfalls at the back of houses and accommodations. Imagine, having a waterfall at the back of your house! A scene you will never get bored of. 

We then passed by the seaside area of Vik and made our journey further east back into snowy hillside and gravel roads into small wooden cabins in Giljaland. I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes, it was like a scene out of a book, the place we were staying. Small but cozy. And dreamy.

Small but cozy...!

And comfy!

And convenient!

Another bed up there! How awesome is that?

And the view...!

Our host informed us that you could even see Aurora from where we stayed. D installed the Aurora Forecast app on her iPad; unfortunately, both nights when we were staying there, the sky was cloudy and we couldn’t see any Aurora. 

There are a few factors that increase your chance to catch Aurora- cold air/night (and hence why the chances are pretty slim in summer), a clear sky without low hanging clouds, out-of-air-pollution area (so if you’re traveling away from the city, the higher your chances are) and highly active aurora activity. And a lot of luck. And that’s why some websites suggested to increase your chances, book a tour because they will try to forecast where the Aurora activities best take place; but there’s also a lot of waiting time so you have to be patient. We didn’t have that much luck on our side, however.

Next: Part 4-  Fjaorargljufur Canyon & Black Sand Beach in Vik
It will be another long post with loads of pictures and videos

And also, because I still can't move on from Gulfoss, enjoy the slow-mo of the waterfall!

Iceland, The Healing Journey- Part 2/9: Reykjavik

 Our journey took a total of 27 hours from Kuala Lumpur to Reykjavik, via Doha and Heathrow. So I was pretty much jet-lagged and kinda disorientated when we first arrived... So my best advice is still to try to get as much sleep as you can while on the flight.

When you're cleared from the custom and claimed your baggage, first thing first- toilet, simcard, and car rental. Toilets are clean and well maintained. Simcard provides you with 5G of data at least, so bring a spare phone as a hotspot point- Waze is pretty reliable throughout the journey; our accommodations were easily found via Waze, even the off-road one. The car rental process however took a bit of time. Your alternative is to book the bus chartered to the point of drop-off near your accommodations.

We have booked an Aurora tour on the day of our arrival so that in case it got canceled, we could rebook it again. Which was what happened- the unfavourable weather made it impossible to catch Aurora on the day we arrived so we rebooked it for the next night, decided to unpack, have dinner at our BnB, and have a good rest instead while re-look into what we were supposed to do the next day. 

The playground in the neighbourhood

Going out so early in the morning to explore the area around

Our itinerary on day 1 the next day would be driving to Sneafellsness Peninsular. However, looking at the weather and studying the roads leading up to the northwest side of Iceland, they were quite inaccessible by our Kia hatchback with 3 inexperienced drivers to drive in the snow, so we decided to postpone the trip and planned to book a tour to Sneafellsness instead. So we decided to explore Reykjavik and to find tourist information centres and maybe book our tour(s) from there.

Entering the city and greeted by the frozen lake!

Parking in the city is quite convenient

Partially frozen lake, from the other side of the city

Walking around the town early in the morning

Hallsgrimkirkja, the largest church in Iceland, you can go up the tower to see the surrounding Reykjavik view

Unfortunately there’s no centralized tourist centre, rather they are scattered throughout the city, so we walked around the city, finding that most shopping places save for some tour booths and eateries were closed on Sunday. While walking in the city, we stumbled on Braud and co- do check them out! The pastries are just so soft and yummy and so did their hot chocolate!

Inside Braud & co.

The Sun Voyager and the view it offers

When when you have so blue and white as your background, what do you do?

You take photos!

Near the art museum

Art Museum

We decided on whale-watching with Elding Whale Watching. They also helped us to book for Sneafellsness tour that we schedule on the last day we’re in Iceland, which would be the coming Saturday.

Some of the tour companies could be found at the Old Harbour- including the bout tour for aurora watching. There are also a few eating places near the Old Harbour- please do try the Sea Baron Restaurnt- the lobster soup is just too delish! We arrived there at around 11.30 am, just before the crowd came in.

Quick brunch before boarding the whale watching boat at 1pm

Inside Saegreifinn, the Sea Baron Restaurant

Lobster soup and salmon grill

The whale-watching boat tour takes roughly 3 hours- if luck is on your side, you might be able to watch a lot of them playing around. Ours came nearing the end, but they were shy enough to surface for too long. Oh, do take the anti-motion-sickness pill provided. I usually don’t have any but took one anyway and the way the boat swayed while waiting for the whales to surface, you WILL get sea-sick even if previously you don’t experience it. 

Whale was too shy, could only catch the glimpse of its fin

By the way, there are Hop-on-Hop-off buses around, near the Old Harbour / Harpa Concert Hall- do check them out if you have time. 

We decided to go home to eat and rest before our re-schedule Aurora tour that night. Unfortunately, it was again canceled, which puzzled us because the weather was quite bright and clear during the daytime. But alas, it was out of our limit.

Next: Part 3- Golden Circle
Please bear with the many photos in coming post