June 1, 2018

Sticky Note 1-2018 : Madrasah Ramadhan (1)

//Sticky Note:

I am still somewhat green in this field, still learning the ropes and steps but sometimes when you’re working in this field, in general medicine especially, you’re sort of "immune" when you’re dealing with dying patients / death. Automatically there’s this invisible, protective barrier surrounding you, devoid of any emotions so that you can manage your next patient without having the recurrent thoughts of that particular patient looping in your mind.

I still remember the first time I encountered a patient that we (the team) issued “DNR” (read: not for active resuscitation, for best supportive care) in my second posting as a House Officer, I was shaken and I almost cried (read here). At the time, I kept asking myself if I did the right thing.
Nowadays, issuing DNR when indicated (i.e. when we postulate that the prognosis is poor) is something that is not as hard as before.

But my first referral in Resus during on-call last Monday, I lingered around longer than expected, trying to make sure the patient and family knows what was happening, what was bound to happen and how we planned to deal with it. A young gentleman with terminal metastatic cancer and we know that nothing much we can offer except for comfort care; to counsel him while he was still awake and aware, something struck my core.

He’s not much older than me, and he’s probably at the end of his life. I wonder how it feels to be in his shoes; not being able to do much and depending on others to care for him, with shortness of breathand his bloods showing multiple organ impairments… when I was counselling his sister, I myself almost tear up.

Another recent young death, Mr Ali Banat, also resonated in similar way- a young gentleman who passed away recently due to cancer, being able to contribute up to his last breath. These people were given chance by Allah, to prepare before they breathe their last breath.

But what about us?
Have we atone enough?
Have we seek for forgiveness from The Creator and other mankind whom we’ve wronged previously?
Have we settled all our debts?
Have we save enough merits for the hereafter?

“Ya Allah, iftah ‘alayya”

May 21, 2018

May 15th

//Zira, Mama and Me

This is my mom, the middle one.
Every year, there will be wishes of "Happy Mother's Day" in mid-May. We're lucky that Mama's birthday falls on May 15th, a couple of days after Mother's day. Mama is even happier that her first grandson's birthday is only a day before her birthday- when my SIL's EDD (expected date of delivery) was on 24th of May, she was praying it fell onto her birth date instead XD But Muhammad was born 1 day earlier. Nevertheless, it's like a double celebration.

Everywhere children wish their mothers Happy Mother's Day; some celebrate with special occasions, dinners or meals, some write on lengthy but beautiful speeches on social media, some forwarded gifs and wishes online and on whatsapp; anything to get the message across- Happy Mother's Day, thank you Mum(s). To most, their Moms are the best Mothers; well, logically they are right?

Mine's too.
She was working when we were growing up, but took early retirement because Dad was transferred to East-Coast. That was when I was 16. 2 years later, I went and studied abroad and one advice that stuck on to me even until now is- "whatever you do, let us (parents) know first before we find it out through other people (we have got spies all over)"- that was said to me when I was 15, while I was still in KL and I brought it with me even when I was in Perth :P
So she was the first one to listen to my ups and downs, my tales and wails, my adventures and sorrows when I was in Australia. She was a patient ear to my every phone call and I was glad I could tell her everything.

Only later on when I came home did I learn that she wasn't too keen of me pursuing my dream back then in studying medicine (abroad) but never once did she object it in front of my face, and I am glad she did not... In return, my sister and I decided to do our housemanship away from home, so she and Dad wouldn't see it firsthand how 'gruesome' the journey could be (okay, that was an exaggeration but not that far off.. the two years flew quite fast than expected).
Even so, she was there when I decided for a semi-impromptu day-trip back to KL to watch a movie (and accompanied me for breakfast and lunch in MidValley XD ; entry here) and joined ChocoMon's trip to USJ and Legoland (entry here) where she was sorta 'tricked' into getting onto the Revenge of the Mummy (sorry, Mama, really, I am!)

Then I came home to continue working as a medical officer in Putrajaya, commuting daily from KL; and she's still there, supporting me in every step- every littlest story that I have, to every non-spoken gestures I made, she's still here. Even when I decided to take that impromptu trip abroad before getting into Masters programme, she came with me...

No words can convey how thankful I am, how thankful we are to you, Mama.
Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day, for being awesome superwoman you are. May you always be blessed and be healthy always, Ameen.

August 13, 2017

Sky Blue

幸せになってくれなきゃ困るぜ (Baby)
素晴らしい未来へ 愛を叫べ

You've just gotta become happy, (Baby)
Shout this love to a wonderful future

愛を叫べ (Ai wo Sakebe), Arashi
(because One Love for wedding theme is overrated IMO... haha!)

I scrolled my journal and to my horror, there were only TWO entries for this year? O.o 
The lack of posts means either I'm under much stress that I couldn't even be bothered to write anything (because essentially writing is how I vent out previously), or I found better ways to de-stress. 

Or, I do no more traveling for whatever reasons. =( My last trip was to Korea last May and I foresee that there will probably be no more traveling next... 1 year. Or more. 
Anyway, it may be the combinations of all three factors mentioned above.

However, since today is a special day, I'll jot something here to bookmark the day.

//Arashians' gathering on Ija's wedding
.Picture courtesy of Annys and Zura.

Sometimes weddings are the only time and place to catch up with your friends, especially now when everyone's working different jobs and places and have different priorities etc. I haven't met these girls in ages!

//Zeti also matched our blue-coloured unoffical theme XD

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS to Ija and husband. May your life filled with barakah and happy memories, insyaAllah.

It's a bit difficult to explain how Ija and I knew each other, but it's also the (only) same answer I have if people asked how I knew the girls in the first picture- Arashi. And like the F4's, it started from Arashi Forum (which is no longer exist I must say)- so that dated back in.... 2009 - 2010... ? (because korek2 LJ, earliest mention of Ija was her birthday shoutout back in 2010).
Anyway, from fandom to lepak-ing buddies to coffee-mate after work and occassional trips / sleepovers domestically and overseas (Japan and Singapore je pon), I think Ija is one of the few who actually had witnessed my bimbo-moments, especially during driving -.-;
I guess now she doesn't have to see that anymore XD

After I've transferred to KL and started working in Putrajaya, I commuted by train and later we found the easiest way to catch up was at dinner and coffee after work, since she's also traveling via train. And since then, our regular catch-up / shopping / coffee session has became one of my ways of de-stressing (aka ranting) and keeping my sanity in check.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for spending your time listening to my work-rant and about life in general, Ija =) The frequency to catch up probably won't be as many as before but I do hope that this friendship will last.

//F4 (missing Aimee) and Ijaji

//We need to fix a date for another of F4 meet up!
It was a good chance to catch up with Ai and Jules too; a tad short for Ai but Jules and I had coffee before going home and talked some more; yeah, that's the separation anxiety peeking up XP

//Also, thanks for the surprise! Ape la pulak pengantin bagi surprise present ni? XD

June 11, 2017

One Step

またひとつ夜が明けて 誰の胸にも眩しい光が 差し込めば
過ぎた日を思うより 新しい何か見つけたくて 歩いた

持ち合わせの言葉じゃ 育てた気持ち伝えること 出来ずに
不器用と言われても 自分に嘘をつけないから 顔上げた

涙を隠して 笑顔見せた
今も聞こえてくる あの日のままの思いが

雨が上がり また歩き出す 昨日と少し 違う気持ちで
Hey 全てに意味があるさ

Another dawn has come When the bright light shines into someone's heart
Rather than thinking of the days long past, they'll want to find something new and walk forward

The words you have on hand weren't enough to describe the emotions that'd been growing inside
But though you might be told you're awkward, because you can't lie to yourself, you raised your head

Hiding my tears, I showed a smile
I can still hear the feelings from those days talking to me

The rain stops and we start walking again, feeling slightly different than yesterday
Hey Everything has a meaning
One Step [The Digitalian, 2014], 嵐 Arashi

//The right watch was a birthday present my sister gave when I was in my first year of housemanship.
The watch on the left was a farewell gift from my previous department, which marked my new journey

One week plus
I'm still adapting. Changing places, new environment, new routine, new challenges... I'm never really good at quickly adapting, hence this may also take some time.
I still have palpitations going to work in the morning...
I still have worries when I go back home.
I still feel anxious knowing next few days would be my first day, my first weekend round, will be my first oncall and my first weekend call...
I still... have reservation towards everything and everyone at this point of time.

No matter if I've tried to prepare myself mentally for months, knowing it and actually facing it in reality are two different things.
This is yet another first step I'm taking
When you think that you've passed through one hurdle, another one seems higher and bigger.
When I was 16, I thought moving to Terengganu and changed school, left with no choice to take one particular subject I was trying to avoid was hard... It took me 6 months to adapt.
When I was 18, 1 month in Matriculation, living alone, making new friends despite the fact that I was introvert was hard... hence it was huge relief when I was accepted into pre-university foundation programme in Perth; the transition wasn't as difficult as it was in Matrics...
When I was 23 and had to repeat from Year 2 uni, I thought that was my biggest hurdle... it was, at that time that is. I didn't know there were more to come... towards end of our study years, our batch had some problems and it drove us past frustration but all was well afterwards and we finally were able to start work by August-September 2011

And there it was, at 27, working 300+ km away from home, I changed... became more reclusive, suddenly much less talking apart from at work to a point my housemates were worried about me. I was in a defence mechanism, which was actually part of my adaptation process. It was almost similar to when I was 16, when we moved to Terengganu. And it took me 6 months to finally being able to say "I'm comfortable working this job."

At 29/30, you think I've been accustomed to a new place, especially when it's closer to home... but nooooooo.... again, it took me more than 6 months to finally like my job, the new place and new environment.

So what makes me think that at this age, 33, it would be any different? Especially when it comes with heavier responsibilities with added title of a student?

I still have this penetrating cycle of thoughts that questioned my decision to take this path; of 'why did I choose a harder road?' 'why burden myself when there's an easier choice?' 'now you know why a lot of people quit this programme, right?' 'can you do it?' 'won't you quit already?' 'why did you have to go out of your comfort zone'.
Honestly, they are suffocating. And they make me nauseated, anxious and almost regret my decision.
Until I realize that's exactly what happened back when I first started working, comparing myself with my other friends whose had weekends and public holiday to rest and spend time with their families and I envy them... Hence I need to break that cycle of thoughts and find other ways of adapting.

I'm lucky that I still have my parents close with me and home to go back to as a place of solace. I'm fortunate my friends are around when I need them. Things may and will get harder from now on but I need to remind myself that لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا (Quran, 2:286)

//These 2 were with me when we set off as houseman, and they came to distract me from work a few days ago

April 24, 2017


It's only April and I had taken 4 MCs within 2 weeks O.o I was down some URTI and fever 3 weeks ago then it escalated into bad sore throat that rendered me voiceless, like literally no voice at all that I had to take MCs! I even consulted the ENT team and they did a quick scope and I've never felt more relieved knowing my vocal cord is normal! Yup, not only singers and teachers need their voices to work okay, I had to take MC because I just can't communicate with the patients and had to be on voice-rest :(

My voice is coming back slowly , it's not as raspy as previously but it's still not normal yet. The cough still persists though... and I suspect it will last for another month or so, just as previously. 

I finally watched Shigatsu Kimi no Uso (Your Lie in April) live action and I LOVE it! Came across the soundtrack and insert songs and stumbled upon Seven's Orange (2nd Ending song for the anime version) and I absolutely love love LOVE them all! I have a feeling that I'd be playing the songs on loop for the next few days :)

Apart from that, we had a reunion- my classmates when I was in Standard 6 in Primary School! That's like.... 21 years ago okay! Someone actually went through all the troubles to initiate the group and surprisingly we've gotten everyone except for this one guy (and to be honest, I have no recollection of him ^^; ). So we decided a meet-up is a must and Saturday night was supposed to be the first official reunion but more than half of the class couldn't make it, so next time we'll plan it during school holiday, I guess since quite a number are actually teachers and some are living outside Klang Valley area.

On the other note... this cousin of mine will be leaving for Hong Kong at the end of this month :(  She'll be outstation for the next 6 to 8 months and I'd loose one ear to listen to all my whining , cries and stories...

It will be tough years coming ahead, if I'm accepted into the Masters programme... and that means more time and energy time spent for work and studying, more stress coming, less break and holidays (there goes my periodical must-have-holiday T_T), less time to join missions and to be honest I need all the support I could get in next 4 years... This is even more nerve-wrecking than when I first started working okay

To be honest... I'm scared. I don't know if I'm mentally and physically prepared. Past months had been tough enough and I was overworked to a point of getting sick... I also think that part of it is I've gotten too complacent at my current place, so I'm so scared now to a point of wishing that I'd not make the list...

This will probably be among the places where I rant...

I'm oncall tomorrow.... and the precall blues have started *sighs*

October 18, 2016


Everyday can be a learning lesson; if you choose to look at life from one point of view.
Sometimes the lesson is more significant than others;
Other day you'd be wondering if what you are doing is right.
And there lies the importance of daily self-reflection.

To be honest I haven't done that for quite some time.

Today a case made me pause and think,
"Why?" "Have we done enough?" "Did we miss anything?" "Have we done justice?"
Learning lesson for us in this field however,
may be a despair for someone else,
or elation or frustration or resignation...

August 7, 2016

Lustrous New Zealand, North Island - Part 4

Auckland City
You can always google up on what are the tourist attractions in Auckland, but we mainly concentrate on walking up Mount Eden, shopping (for souvenirs) on Queen St (Lush is situated here by the way), went up the Sky Tower and just spend the day walking around the city.
( http://www.newzealand.com/int/feature/auckland-attractions/ )
If you still have fund, you can also choose the Skywalk or Skyjump at the Sky Tower! (http://skywalk.co.nz/) Unfortunately, we sort of ran out of fund by this time and opted out of the jump. Entrance for Sky Tower itself is NZD 28.
Skytower. If you can see the fine lines of cable, that's where the skyjump takes place!

July 7, 2016

Exquisite New Zealand - Part 3

First of all, wishing you all Eid Mubarak! "Taqabbal Allahu minna wa minkum" May Allah accept (the good deeds) from me and you.

We reached Wellington at night; already called Capital View Motel Inn (NZD 145/night) that we were being slightly late- they open until 9 p.m. and if we reached after 9, they’d left the key for us. Had Maggie for dinner and slept the night off.


Our hotel was just walking distance from Cuba Street, where the Bucket Fountain is located at. Still early in the morning hence many shops weren’t opened yet, we made our way down to Wellington waterfront and the Queens Wharf, ending up at the Cable Car station.

The plan was to take the Cable Car up the hill through the colourfully led tunnels and walk down the downhill path of the Botanic Garden back to the city. ( http://www.wellingtoncablecar.co.nz/English/What-To-Do.html#AttractionsMap )

But then it started to rain, light drizzle initially and then heavy rain as we were walking back to the city. 'GoogleMapped' a place to eat and we ended up having kebab at Abrakebabra, before heading back to our hotel to dry up. It was raining the rest of the day so we ended up sleeping. If the weather was sunny, we would have walk around and went for museum visits.

"We are going to do a lot of walking today! Rawr!"

June 15, 2016

Magnificent New Zealand - Part 2

(Warning! This post is LONG. And full of pictures. Don't say I don't warn you okay?)


From Matamata, we then headed to Rotorua, which took us another hour. 
We stayed for 2 nights in Rotorua at Greenview Hotel (formerly Rotorua Motor Lodge), near the Te Puia where the Pohutu Geyser is located at. It’s around NZD 100 per night. And since the place is near the geyser, there's quite a strong smell of sulphur around, if you don’t mind it.

Back from buying food~
The salted caramel Tim Tam was sooooooooo good!
Dinner at Ali Baba

The initial plan was to explore Rotorua the next day but we decided to go for Bungy / Skydive in Taupo (an hour away from Rotorua) instead... I’m not sure if that’s a miscalculation from our side or not because we ended up only able to do Bungy only- due to the weather (it was raining and the wind was strong) we can’t proceed with the skydiving on the same day.

So in the interest of time, we only managed to visit the The Puia after we came back from Bungy jumping and visited the Museum the next morning before departed for Taupo and then Wellington.

In Te Puia, you will have the chance to experience the Maori culture and visit the Pohutu Geyser on the guided tour. They have different packages, you can check it out here: tepuia.com Our ticket cost about NZD 64


June 12, 2016

Alluring New Zealand, North Island - Part 1

It's been a while since I last visited here it seems... Lots of things happened, been up and down in my real life, changed this blog's layout for easier navigating and I've decided to post regarding our trip to North Island, New Zealand first - simply because it's still fresh in my mind and I'd like to upload the pictures here - before the short Singapore and Penang trip last year. And maybe if I have some time I'll post about Egypt trip as well

This post is more for my documentation and future references, not for those planning on budget trip in NZ. This post will be divided into 3-4 entries for the next few weeks, as to not to clog everything into one post. And I'll be posting not according to dates like I did for Japan, but rather on places we visited. Enjoy!


New Zealand was a rerouted holiday for the 3 of us, under certain circumstances. Yup, this time around it was only the 3 of us apparently. I decided on the destination but really the mastermind behind the journey was Zeti. We took off on May 15th, the night flight (celebrated Mom’s birthday in the morning) and surprise surprise! We met an ex-college mate who was also taking the same flight with us! We flew with Air Asia, which had a 75-min transit in Gold Coast; bought in-flight meal and baggage so our total ticket price per person was roughly RM 2100. 

The flight from KL to Gold Coast Australia took about 8 hours and another 3 hours from Gold Coast to Auckland. Time-wise Gold Coast is 2 hours ahead of KL and Auckland is 4 hours ahead of KL.