It was an anticipated future,

but it didn't make it less painful.

Had a bad emotional breakdown last Sunday.

I guess the dam just broke with a little nudge of "How are you doing? How's life?"

It was already cracking for the past 2 weeks, but somehow the fort was still holding on-
The first crack was a simple message of "It's okay, you're strong"-
The second nudge was something that happened at home that made me question my life existence-
The push was the question of "How are you doing? How's life?"

It calmed down after a while and got distracted with the workout
But a meeting with one who knows me inside out at lunch, and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

But alhamdulillah,
it was a session that I needed
to lay everything out and say them out loud
because it finally sorted the tangles I had in my mind
that keep on recurring, making me more anxious, upset, and fearful

But now I had said everything aloud,
pieces of broken thoughts finally laid out in the open-
and things seem like falling into place like a jigsaw puzzle-
and it's easier to straighten the tangles now-
and it's easier to sort the feelings and emotions attached to it-
and it's easier to label them and make decisions that need to be made.

We planned, but Allah also plans
And Allah's plans are far greater and wiser than ours
we may not see the effect of it now
but I'm sure we will look back in the future and be glad that it turned the way it is now.

It may also be a reminder for me,
a nudge, a tap on the shoulder, a lesson-
that maybe I've astrayed too much and too far-
that maybe I need to sort out my priorities again-
or maybe He is preparing me for something bigger-
or maybe it's His way of bringing me closer to Him

Wallahualam bissawab.

Boost(er)

A quick note.

14 Oct: Was informed that tomorrow there would be slots opened for staff who opted for booster dose; those who received their last dose at least 6 months ago, voluntary basis

15 Oct: Took the opportunity to do so, even though the next day I was oncall... better now than never yes?
So, just wanted to put this here, as a reminder.

Side effects of this 3rd dose? Pain at the injection site for slightly more than 72 hours, muscle-ache mainly at the injected arm and left chest area that lasted for 72 hours or so, a bit of flu-like symptoms but resolved within 48 hours. 

Overall symptoms were much less compared to the 2nd dose, Alhamdulillah not needing ant analgesia this time. I was still able to do oncall the next day; my MOs had a bit worse side effects and it showed on their faces during oncall, poor fellas....

The booster dose is on a voluntary basis given to higher risk groups including the frontline health care workers, the elderly, and patients with comorbid.

Afternoon Nap

I was stationed at the clinic a few days ago. And one of the patients came in. Sometimes, my opening question would be, “So, how are you today?”

And this patient suddenly burst into tears.

Putting the papers aside, I positioned myself to face this patient directly, I knew the disease follow-up questions had to wait, there’s a more pressing matter to attend to- to find out the cause of this unexpected turn of events. It’s not unusual that this kind of episode to happen, but it’s also not frequent.

This was one of the people who still must come to work throughout the pandemic. Due to the increased workload, staffs were rearranged, more work coverage for them and less off-time. Those factors and key-in other personal and non-personal factor(s), life can sometimes be too overwhelmed.

When this patient described what’s been going on leading to the sudden outburst, it was as though I was looking at myself a while back, not too long ago, recurrent in different timings & situations. It all felt too real, I needed no further probe to understand what’s going on.

I was that person.
I was in this person’s shoes.

I had no courage to call or contact Psychological First Aid back then. But I know this person needs it, and an MC to rest at least for the day.

Work burnout is real.

If someone indicates that he or she is stressed out, on whether they realized that it’s a burnout sign or not, do take a little bit of time to listen to them. Sometimes, just having someone to listen would be a great help. 

Especially now.

Filler 2: Permission to-

Settling into the new place, environment, and working routine,
This will probably take some time.

In a way, it's perhaps physically slightly less taxing;
But in terms of the weight of the responsibility, and mentally, it's more and heavier.

First active general medicine on call as a physician, okay not so bad...
First passive covid on-call, so far still okay.

If there's anything that resurfaces from my ever-so-existing weakness,
It's my own insecurities and sense of incompetency and feeling unsure about everything
This, I need to "fix" it myself, and I need to improve.
This, I know will take longer than expected.

But for someone who has trouble adapting to new places,
I probably purposely jeopardize my own sanity by choosing to be deployed for the pandemic mobilization, not knowing where I'd be placed when I signed up for it...
And now they assigned me to a whole new place, I'm wondering if I'm pushing myself beyond what I can chew and if I just like to get myself into troubles.... -.-;;
Perhaps I should have just sat quietly here to adapt and get used to the new environment D=

Let's see what will happen in the next 6 weeks...

Epilogue: The Beginning

This is just yet a prologue for the next chapter of life.
Completing MMed meaning a new role, new job scope(s) & extended responsibilities.

Peeking into the next chapter already

You know how I am with commitment.
So taking this new step is... nerve-wracking.
The effect has not yet made itself known because, amidst the pandemic, this role perhaps is paused to concentrate on the worsening situation of Covid-19.

The past 6 months have been anything but a new learning experience- admin work, coaching/leader-role, clinical work, managing covid, thesis writing, data analysis and thesis defense and balancing a whole bunch of responsibilities, handling different kinds of stress and stress level and the list go on. However, it's probably just a teaser of what's coming in the next phase. Being here for the past 4 years was.... a sheltered life. And stepping out, I don't know what's waiting... only endless possibilities and vast scenery of anything and nothingness ahead.

There's so much to say and so many things running in my mind. The different chaos happening at the same time frustrates a lot of people at so many different levels and the different reactions as the result of this could be so mind-boggling that it didn't make sense and you wonder if we have learned anything at all entering 2nd year of the pandemic.

10 years ago, it didn't even cross my mind that we'll be at the stage where we are now. 10 years ago I was beaming with the hope that one day I will walk a pathway of becoming a medical officer and maybe working my way to becoming a specialist. In what, I didn't know yet back then- maybe internal medicine, maybe psychiatry, maybe emergency medicine. But never did I imagine us living in an era of a deadly pandemic that's taking the lives of so many people. Heck, it didn't even cross my mind living like this 4 years ago- back then I put on hold almost everything I love (including traveling and volunteering work) with the hope that I would complete my studies on time and then planned to travel right after the last part of the exam to celebrate (kononnye), never did I imagine being stuck here and not being able to not just travel, but even our movement outside is restricted!

Just like that the table turned at the end of 2019 and continued to do so up till today. Until when? Only God knows.

So yes, the different reactions as the consequences of these life events that's been happening is.... kinda expected. But surely.... surely it's also an eye-opener to a lot of things, no?

Heated discussion there... XP

The silence I carry is not because I do not care.
But rather a continuous observation from inside and outside the box
Because saying something, forwarding something, and writing something carry some amount of responsibility. You're accountable for every word that you utter- it can be the truth, or it can be misleading information, so you decide which one you want to be- the spreader of truth, or the spreader or lies (although perhaps to you it's "presumed" truth) 

If you don't know and unsure, please seek the truth by asking the experts and reading from the correct, credible sources.
If you don't have anything nice to say, hold your tongue and check your fingers before typing nasty & filthy comments.
And if you don't agree with a certain opinion, just stop there but don't spread lies and misinformation.

It hasn't been a beautiful year.
Every day looks gloomy and we're at our wit's end and ready to collapse 
We may even wonder why things happened the way they are?

Perhaps there is a different path and future for each of us

Perhaps there will never be an answer
Perhaps we will only find the answers 10, 20, 50 or perhaps 100 years down the line
Perhaps it's a preparation for something bigger
Perhaps it's a reminder for the future
Perhaps it's to unravel hidden things and the ugly truths
Perhaps it's to highlight certain hidden issues
Perhaps it's a consequence of our OWN actions and words
Nobody knows...

Nobody knows.

Nobody but Allah.
Wallahualam bissawab

So I'm closing this chapter with a blank canvas for the next chapter.

Turn the page, Wani

Your new chapter is coming soon.

~*~

The Aftermath: Blood, Sweat and Tears

May 3-5th, 2021: Part 3 MMed Exam, Viva- Thesis Defence
4th May marked the day where a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Closing yet another chapter which was literally was blood, sweat, and tears.

Like literally.

MMed Batch June 2017- May 2021 (Incomplete quorum)

I started off this journey with a lot of hesitation. The experience as a house officer vs medical officer in general medicine was different; the more I walk this path, the more I don't know, the more difficult I felt, the more intimidated and unsure I became. But Allah has different plans for me- He diverted me back into medical and then into Masters of Internal Medicine where I knew it would be one of the toughest journeys yet. And MMed was literally blood, sweat, and tears no matter how much mentally prepared you thought you were. It would either make you or break you.

And it had almost broken me multiple times, especially during the last leg.

Nevertheless, what did make the difference are the people you met during this journey.

Part of the study group members

Allah eased my journey by letting me befriended friends who watch out for each other, lending shoulders to cry on, ears to listen to, and being keen reminders to each other. Allah allowed us to meet remarkable, impeccable, and impactful teachers, mentors, seniors, and colleagues- people whom we look up to, admired upon and they taught us many, many things from different aspects.  

Not only that, Allah gave me more than what I asked for:

- supportive family and friends outside the MMed circle and to be honest they are one of my strongest pillars of support and buffers

- challenging cases and incidents but full of lessons and wisdom and although they almost make me fall to pieces each time, I was supplicated by many hidden mechanisms to pull me through them  

- new opportunities and welcome distractions 

Ending one chapter means the beginning of another.
Successfully climbing one hurdle means facing a bigger one.

I honestly don’t know how the next chapter will be and what challenges it will bring.
To be honest, I'm more nervous than excited, especially to leave this comfort zone.
But if anything past 5 years has taught me, there’s always, ALWAYS reasons and meanings behind each event.

I just hope that in the future I will be able to look back into this post and this episode to remind myself of this.

Bismillah...

"We made it guys!" Sincerely, Tsum Tsum Girls

Pin: The Sprint, The Battle & The Truth

Enter: the last 10 nights of Ramadhan,
Key aim: gain as much as possible, re-connect, lots and tonnes of dua, the sprint

Enter: the last 48 hours before part 3 viva- the thesis defence
Key aim: survive that grueling 45-minute presenting and grilling, the battle

Enter: the last month of the masters programme
Key aim(s): finish this programme swiftly, pass over my unofficial job(s), ensure some systems are in place for the next batch to continue to manage covid cases smoothly, take a little of a break, and settle pending personal plans that I've been postponing, the sprint

Enter: Less than a month before deciding where to gazette
Key aim: Will depend on what's the next step and what's in line for me, the unknown

Enter: To be honest, at this rate- the impending coming wave
Key aim: Bracing mentally (and perhaps for the whole frontliners as well) and physically
Shortfall(s): Tired. It's been more than a year without a break. Critical care units that are always full... the struggle for optimum care- only those involved know. To be honest, we don't even have the energy to argue with those who don't believe; so pray it doesn't befall unto your loved ones.
Counter-act(s): I have to remind myself this every time- find small wins, small gratitudes and make a lot of sincere dua

Pin: Ramadhan Kareem 2021 & (throwback) 2nd Dose

Another year welcoming Ramadhan

Let this graceful month enlighten all our darkness, wash away our sorrows and ease our pain.
May the blessing of Ramadhan be on all of us and may our prayers and deeds get accepted.

Ramadhan kareem, everyone!

---

The April series photos part 1: the incomplete quorum

April 11th, lunch with them, an incomplete quorum of the Zenols

April 10th, brunch with them, an incomplete quorum of Funtastic 4 + the aunts

April 9th, dinner, and coffee with them, an incomplete quorum of MDTs

---

Throwback to 2nd dose of covid-19 vaccine, Thursday 1st April
- it was the day before the submission of our thesis/dissertation manuscript, so we decided to go slightly later in the afternoon.

The jab itself wasn't painful, but I experienced slightly worse minor side effects (compared to the first dose) afterward- feeling feverish, headache, arthralgia, and myalgia akin to viral-like symptoms that warranted regular paracetamol... they lasted for about 48 hours and after that, you'll be okay.

The SNs were so gentle that you felt nothing and it was over in an instant

Completed 2nd dose. Let's all do out part, protect yourself, protect others :)

I Believe In...

She looks at the screen
She's had conversations with different people from a different group of people- her friends, her colleagues, her superiors, her seniors, her family... and every time, with a heavy heart she whispered, "but I want to go and achieve my dreams first- the small ones and perhaps if time permits, the bigger ones, before I commit myself to whatever commitment down in the future"

She's aware and realized that after months of juggling and struggling with one task after the other and handling new responsibilities, she's discovered a new side of her that she didn't even know existed. And that has sort of opened another window of opportunities in her career pathway that she can think about in the future.

"Only that...."

"Only that I want to go and do what I've been wanting to do.... things that I have put on hold for the past 4 years since I entered into this programme," she said out loud.

It's the basis and foundation of why she chose and ended up in this career pathway.
It's the essence that she wanted to embody into her existence in the world.
It's a legacy she wanted to leave her name with.

She doesn't know how long that will take.
And she's not sure if she would even like it enough to keep on doing it.
Perhaps she'll find that with time it's not as relevant as how she thought it would be.
Perhaps with time, she no longer has any energy and enthusiasm for it.

But before she decides on that, she wants to at least dive into it, freely doing it at her own pace, and just go crazy with it until she decides to stop or slow down.

"That's the main reason I read medicine, work in health care line and progress into this programme anyway. The whole purpose of this whole thing since I was 15-16 years old is to achieve these goals. Let me have a taste of it, to see if it's as sweet as I thought it will be...

... then we can talk on what's next.

Because what's next for me, is doing it- achieving my long-term goals"

Because perhaps she'll fall in love with it, so much so that she doesn't want to do anything else.

#IBelieveInAchievingMyDreams

#SnowFlower

Dear me,

To be honest, I thought 2020 was hard

It's only been a month and 10 days into 2021, and I don't know how many times I've already broken down in tears under the pressure, felt like I just wanted to end it and in the end, I hate the person I've become nowadays- the short-tempered, sarcastic & emotional labile walking human being. I'm not the nicest person walking around, and even I don't like myself.

You may call it self-destructive thoughts I'm having, but that's the reality.

I probably am not as resilient and as strong as I thought I would be.

So we may need to have a little bit of change in our game plan, yeah.

Give me some time.
I want to see how much I can bend under this pressure. 

"The whole world is full of white flowers

Make our atmosphere deeper

Under a stopped street lamp

May the flowers fall on your bright smile"

Snow Flower by BTS V (feat. Peakboy)

2021 : Unplug

I haven’t been able to write in my blog for a while.

Believe it or not, a lot has happened in the last 17 days.

2020 for me closed with one of the most memorable events- "This is 嵐 Live"; real-time fangirling over the online Arashi concert, crying over the last hours and minutes, being amazed at their performances, and feeling a lot of gratitude for these 5 guys whom I’ve known since 2008 and has taught me a lot about life principles, work ethics and friendships.

Kicked off 2021 with a good workout with Les Mills Bodypump and continued with RPM but had to run to the hospital halfway through to help with the Covid team. I thought I wanted to do things at "my pace" this year, but that prolly turn out to be a bit difficult.

And work continues till now, with new instruction and rearrangement every so often and troubleshooting while working out solutions are almost like second nature.

Almost at the cost (or perhaps already is) my daily ward work and thesis progress. Which worries me the most at the back of my mind.
And it almost, if not already affect me physically and mentally.

On another note, again this pandemic has unmasked and unveiled the uglier shade and truth behind a person's angelic face and persona- which is maybe a good thing so we can identify them and be more careful when dealing with them.

Unplug. Looking at things from a different perspective. 

Hence I have decided to unplug from most soc-med platforms, unplug from things that don't matter and decide to listen more, turn worries and anxiety into gratitude, take a different approach by trying to see things from different perspectives, and work on problem-solving & coaching rather than being a trouble maker and a complainer.

They are not easy tasks... but let's see how the coming days unfold and how they can help me grow.

Like rainfall over the flowers in spring, I'm waiting for spring day to come.

#SweetNight

If you don't have anything nice to say,
Say nothing at all.

Just observe,
wait and watch,
hold your tongue from commenting,
pause your hand from typing,
and just observe, let the world takes its course

Maybe,
just maybe,
for once you will see the world unfold itself,
and you'll see the beauty of silence,
the meaning of being quiet,
and let the positivity calm your crude remarks

If you don't have anything nice to say,
say nothing at all
and let the sweet night course through silently

And maybe for once,
you'll be able to reflect upon yourself

*This is mainly a reminder for myself
And has nothing to do with Sweet Night by V
Although..... I love the song to death XP

30 more days to exams and counting
Yup, we're entering that panic mode already >.<

Closing August Chapter pt 2: [Scenery] The Reflection

#np풍경(Scenery)byV 

Who would have thought that in 2020 things went by the way it did. It's the last day of August, in Malaysia we are celebrating our 63rd Independence Day in a new norm, with the theme of "Malaysia Prihatin".

For most of us, time probably stand still for quite some time, went for a slow-mo maybe, or perhaps just downright disaster.  Amid the battle against COVID-19 pandemic worldwide, there were many sad, frustrated and devastating happenings as well for the past 8 months. While some are starting to make some recovery, some decided to contribute to that recovery, some are perhaps still stuck and struggling.

On a more personal level, August has been an up-and-down roller-coaster ride for me. I was looking forward to the end of August initially, mainly because I'd turn 36 on the 28th, thinking how should I spend the day... but the concatenation of events starting in February this year had a complete different course for me.

The realization of the weight of the responsibility and accountability that I'd carry in the next phase of my career, to be honest, scared me to death. Literally. Just thinking about it alone is terrifying. I talked about this to my confidante just before my part 2 theory exam- at that time I wasn't just unprepared for the exam, but I was also unprepared for the title and responsibility that come along with passing the exam. I even thought of deferring... that's how scared I was. And that fed to my self-doubt and self-critique about my own work-competency.

But life must go on, we passed our theory paper... Miraculously.

And then COVID-19 happened.

Time stopped.

While most sectors paused due to world-wide lockdown, the essential services went on. And we're part of it. So exams aside, work came first.

Until 2 months ago when things eased up and daily activities resumed with new norms, the essential services also continue. And for us, the postponement of our exam means we have slightly a little bit of time to prepare.

But you know what happened to that fear I had previously? It snowballed. Slowly at first, but incidents after incidents just pushed it into an avalanche.

Some people perhaps had a little break during the lock-down. But some of us didn't. And I can't afford one when the exam is just around the corner. We couldn't slow down, we had to shift gear.

Taking a completely different role in the new semester while have not yet passed the exam- new on-call role, new seniority role, covering the roster, trying to catch up with studying, and at the same time trying to abate your fear, anxiety, and self-doubt, perhaps I had a little too much on my plate.

To some people, perhaps work is just.... work, you know... but our work deals directly with someone's health and to an extent life and death situation. So perhaps that weight... I thought I wasn't ready to carry them yet. Part of me still thinks I still am not ready yet, to be honest.

And when that thought repeatedly invaded your mind and playing recurrently without you being able to stop it, like an unhealthy obsession, you can even spiralled down into 'depression'. Pretending to be okay, while suffocating and unsure how to reach out for help, it consumed me to a point I just wanted things to end quickly. Now that I'm out of that box, I never want to feel that feeling of desolated anymore. Ever.

Because nothing I did was able to take me out of it.

God perhaps had a different plan for me from what I had in my mind. And He sent me help through means that I didn't expect. And I realized, perhaps I should have been kinder to myself, less harsh of a critique and lean more on others a little bit more.

Many years ago, I learned that when you fall, it's what you choose to do after that fall that matters. How fast you want to get up? How long you want to stay down? What method will you use to get up? These are things that will decide on your next step and future journey.

And in that small, heavy climb I'm taking at the moment, I know that some things are just unavoidable. Responsibility and accountability towards your job and your life choices, the words you choose, and the actions you take, they will all come back to you. If not soon or the near future, it will be later. And if you're a Muslim, all of these will be questioned on the Day of Judgement- hence the concept of Ihsan.

I'm closing this August chapter with a new prologue for September; a new challenge, to rise and climb.

Perhaps all of this sounds a little dramatic. Maybe it is. But this is my book of journey. So, here's to the 36-year-old me: hang in there, don’t give up, and may the next adventure bring more beneficial knowledge and wisdom, and be kind to all.

Watch this, this is my scenery at this moment.

Sidenote,

Happy 63rd Independence Day, Malaysia!

If you stumble down, get up.

you can take a bit of rest for a while, but GET UP

and continue your journey...

Related post: Closing August Chapter pt 1: [#Scenery] The Birthday Collection [via my IG @wani_z]

Reflection : [Crystal Snow]

I've been wanting to jot something down here... But a series of events since my last entry rendered me unable to write. I've written a few entries though in my personal journal, for a time like this- reflecting and analyzing. 

I keep thinking, it's a bit weird that in my mid-30s, this kind of thought and struggle would surround my life. I would have never imagined walking down this path; I mean, back then you would have expected by mid-30s, walking through to 40s, you would have had a stable career, building a home and family and perhaps embarking into a more mature stage in life. 

But perhaps God has different plans for everyone. And I guess to each their own story, struggle, and journey.

You'll notice that I'm repeating the same word again and again- struggle.

Because that has been going on for the past almost one month.

Now that I'm looking back, I think the snowballing started off mid of July and then a series of events at work fed to the negative feelings and thoughts, and everything became too overwhelming that I broke down and stopped functioning for a while.

While recovering -if you would call it that- I noticed that I had the same recurring thoughts that fed to my fear and anxiety. And it spiraled out of control to a point of suffocating me and it started to disturb my work as my-self esteem plummeted more and more. It got to a point where I contacted my colleague in Psychiatry for help as the methods that used to work in alleviating the stress weren't working anymore and I kept crying at small disturbing thoughts.

The most dangerous thing during that period was how I thought I was doing okay and believed I was doing so.

Until the thought of wanting to sleep and not waking up anymore screamed louder than my own thought.

That short 48 hours of my life -when I had a small taste of not being able to feel other emotions than sadness, desolation, isolation, frustration, and everything seemed dark around me- was not something that I ever wanted to feel again, to be honest. I couldn't laugh or smile, or even enjoy the slightest thing. I only cried. 

This might sound dramatic, but now that I'm out of that box, I think I am finally able to understand why someone can choose an extreme way out and I can say that it has nothing to do with either you're a religious person or not. It's that extreme fear that you're trying to get away from and anything else seemed like a better option, a way out compared to that fear.

And it's not that I didn't want to reach out or talk to someone... I had a lot of people whom I trust around me at that time- my mom, my closest cousin, my closest friends. I just didn't know how to reach out, what to say and how to express it... and the worst part was, I knew how to put an act like everything was okay.

A stressor may seem trivial to one person, but a similar situation may give a totally different effect on another and they may struggle differently too. I guess in those moments, even though some time alone would be good, it's important to check on them and don't leave them be too long on their own. 

It's true that different people cope differently but I believe it's also helpful to express the troubles and not bottle everything up even though you feel like you know what's going on and you think that you've got this in your hands.

Trust me, I listed down the problems one by one, where the roots were, what the triggers were and I even listed what I've tried to overcome the fears, doubts, and worries. And let me tell you it included prayers, short retreat with my family and I even forced myself to join the group exercise just to get those endorphins going.

But Alhamdulillah, God sent me an unexpected friend whom I ended up opened up to, and perhaps hearing myself out loud and admitting them to someone did make some difference.

I am thankful that today I am able to wake up without that heavy feeling and finally able to enjoy life and able to function. And yesterday was the day I woke up and felt... almost normal, and I'm almost back to my old self.

Saying this, my self-esteem issues not yet resolved, but I'm working on it insyaAllah

This is just a reminder to myself, to be kinder to myself and other people next time I see them struggling with life... and not to judge too fast... You never know what's going on in their life...

Monday's Reflection

One Step

Took this picture to remind me in the future of my first Reg call- the 6th call
The first on-call wasn't so bad, the second one I could only catch an hour of sleep
Feels like quite some time ago, the no-sleep on-call ^.^;

So the first step was taken,
Survived it, thank goodness. But my first MROC, weekend call to top it off, will come next week- am guessing another bout of palpitation will come sometime within 48 hours prior to that on call.... ^.^;
It sounds like I'm putting on a big drama, doesn't it?
But for a commitment-phobic like me, yeah, it feels like a big deal

A great teacher left us these words during our final year,
Toughen up during housemanship; even when you're tired or completely knocked down, just don't complain. Do your best, make sure to give it all you've got in these 2 years. Don't be calculative (exact words were 'jangan berkira sangat') with your colleagues, cover for them, have good teamwork!

That was sort of a mantra, and a frequent reminder when I was a house officer
Now even after that phase has passed, the whole message still stands, no matter which level you're at, you do need to toughen up, don't be calculative, have good teamwork... and this insyaAllah will ease your journey.
May Allah bless her caring soul...

Throwback: Face Down (2012)

Crossroads

Excuse me while I contemplate on life
At this age, I’m kind of ashamed that I still go through this kind of struggle
But,
Watch me grow
Walk with me
Watch me break through my struggles
In the hope of becoming a better person
One who can contribute to humanity, life, and my deen
InsyaAllah

Life is about making choices

From the smallest, trivial ones you have to make on a daily basis

To the important or life-changing decisions

I made my decision 

There’s no doubt that I want to progress and make that jump one day

I have made up my mind the moment I applied for Masters

I knew this day would come

But I’m still too scared to take that jump, to hold that title, to carry that responsibility

They said “with big role comes big responsibility”

Recently Sakurai Sho (of Arashi) said “with freedom comes a big responsibility”

I’m surprised at his statement, but I can understand from where he’s coming from;

You are given the freedom to make your own choices

You have to take accountability of the choices that you made

And you follow through

And you do your best to uphold that responsibility

Because in the end, it will come back to you

Some outcomes are measurable

But some aren’t so easy to measure

Your life satisfaction for example

Are you happy with the choices that you made?

I have made my choices

And I’m walking through these decisions,

Amidst my ongoing struggle to break through from my inferiority complex and my introvert personality

Yet, it still doesn’t hold back the fears that I’m having

I still feel incompetent

I still feel like I’m doing mistakes,

I still feel like other people are unsatisfied with me

Then I become more and more scared

I’m becoming angrier and angrier

I’m always in a bad mood these past few days

And I’m upset with myself most of the time

And finally I broke down

And I prayed,

Then it felt slightly better

The weight on my shoulder became just slightly bearable

And that palpitation calmed down a bit

And that anxiety simmered down a little bit

And I can breathe slightly better

At this juncture, there’s no more turning back

I should just hold my head high and face it forward

And hope to be more confident

And pray I make the best choices

The first step is usually the hardest one to take

And I’m sure I’ll be facing more and more hurdles as time goes by

So I might just as well bite it and give my best

And pray everything will come out alright

Tawakkal...

Ya Allah Ya Fattah… Iftah Alaiyah….


Please excuse me while I contemplate on life

Post-It Note, entering mid-2020

Just a little note for myself,
for future reference, when we look back to the year 2020
And a little bit of Madrasah Ramadhan this year...

I called 2020 a “Waiting game with rapid shuffling surprises”

It lets the Earth rest for a bit,
It opens our eyes to humanity and humility,
and how to be humble;
But it also showed some true colours of human being,
including the ugly truth...
And how small human is, really

This year has brought a lot of changes,
challenges upon challenges,
myriads of emotions,
And lets us think on how to face the days ahead
with sometimes sudden turns that require us to choose completely different, sometimes unthinkable, untrodden paths...

But one thing for sure,
NEVER abandon social distancing even if you're family members, friends, or colleague
(NEVER see patients without proper mask/goggle/face shield)
MUST ALWAYS practice adequate hand hygiene,
and wear mask appropriately.
It NEVER hurt to be extra careful and OCD
In this COVID-19 era

A note to myself...
There's always hikmah behind all this,
if not now, later insyaAllah...

Selamat Hari Raya everyone,
Eid Mubarak
Stay safe

Till next Ramadhan, insyaAllah

Wani Z.
May 23rd, 2020

A.Pause.

Dear World,

فَاِنَّ مَعَ الۡعُسۡرِ يُسۡرًا ۙ‏

 اِنَّ مَعَ الۡعُسۡرِ يُسۡرًا ؕ‏

Indeed, there is ease with hardship.

Most certainly, there is ease with hardship

 Surah Al-Insyirah (94:5-6)

One Step At A Time- #3 EatHealthy

I thought we could start with food first before the physical exercise, because basically when you choose to loose weight, you choose to modify your lifestyle and a big part to it is your food selection.

To be honest, I'm not the best person to advice on diet, but these are the things I've tried, modified a bit from our consult in Endocrine clinic & tips from my trainer:

1. Most important and difficult- CUT ADDED SUGAR. If you take coffee in the morning, take it black or with skimmed/high calcium milk. The same goes with tea.

2. Breakfast
-try overnight oats. Use rolled oats, not instant as instant has higher GI (Glycaemic Index). Make 3-5 jars on Sunday, and just grab one every morning. I top up mine with lots of different nuts plus/minus apples, oranges, banana, peanut butter, dark chocolate, honey

//Overnight oats. And yes, that's Weet-bix at the back- love it!

//For this one, I cooked the oats instead. See the chocolate pieces?

-if bread, choose wholemeal or wholegrain. If you notice, Gardenia has GI value at the back, lower is better. I love mine toasted with butter & avocado as a spread, or peanut butter/strawberry jam/cheese spread

//GI value at the back of Gardenia's bread. White bread has higher GI, opt for a lower choice

//Lately I added Laughing Cow's cheespread to couple with my avocado toast

//Let me tell you that this is incidental but it's so yummy that I'd eat this every day if golden kiwifruit isn't expensive! Above is a mix of plain yogurt, (Green Hut) granola with roasted nuts and golden kiwifruit

//Smoothiiiiieeeessss!!

-cereal-wise, I chose granola-based, add a bit of cornflakes, sometimes topped with nuts or fruits
-add on above options with an apple or banana
-also tried a bit on smoothies- Pinterest has lots and lots of recipes!
-lately been trying salad + cheery tomato + Kewpie roasted sesame dressing, sometimes with toasts too. 😋

Roughly, 1 cup of rice = 2 pieces of bread = 4 pieces of plain cream crackers (in terms of calorie)

//Yup, packed these 2 (above and below) for breakfast combi. I added nuts and granola in my salad to give that 'crunchiness'

3. Main meals
Follow the recommendation from KKM- "Suku Suku Separuh", meaning of your plate, a quarter portion is wholegrain, a quarter portion is lean protein and another half portion is fruits/greens/vegetables.

Option: change white rice to brown rice, this is what we tell our diabetic patient, mainly because of the lower GI with brown rice. Some opted to avoid rice- not saying that it's bad, but I need my rice 🤣

4. Snacking- I don't because of no time. But if you choose to- fruits or nuts. Or carrot or cucumber.
Be aware that some fruits have high sugar content like grapes and durian
Fruits that contain less sugar we adviced our diabetic patients include the green ones- guava, green apple etc

5. IF- I don't do Intermittent Fasting, simply because I need my breakfast. The bulk of my job is in the morning so I need a good breakfast to sustain me till lunch hour at least.
If you want to do it, fasting for 16 hours or more will give you more benefit so for example, last dinner at 6 pm and next meal is after 10 am
If you want to fast, I suggest do puasa Isnin-Khamis instead 👍

This is mainly notes for myself.


Next post will be a little technical, but basically, it will make you understand how I choose the exercise regime.