It was an anticipated future,

but it didn't make it less painful.

Had a bad emotional breakdown last Sunday.

I guess the dam just broke with a little nudge of "How are you doing? How's life?"

It was already cracking for the past 2 weeks, but somehow the fort was still holding on-
The first crack was a simple message of "It's okay, you're strong"-
The second nudge was something that happened at home that made me question my life existence-
The push was the question of "How are you doing? How's life?"

It calmed down after a while and got distracted with the workout
But a meeting with one who knows me inside out at lunch, and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

But alhamdulillah,
it was a session that I needed
to lay everything out and say them out loud
because it finally sorted the tangles I had in my mind
that keep on recurring, making me more anxious, upset, and fearful

But now I had said everything aloud,
pieces of broken thoughts finally laid out in the open-
and things seem like falling into place like a jigsaw puzzle-
and it's easier to straighten the tangles now-
and it's easier to sort the feelings and emotions attached to it-
and it's easier to label them and make decisions that need to be made.

We planned, but Allah also plans
And Allah's plans are far greater and wiser than ours
we may not see the effect of it now
but I'm sure we will look back in the future and be glad that it turned the way it is now.

It may also be a reminder for me,
a nudge, a tap on the shoulder, a lesson-
that maybe I've astrayed too much and too far-
that maybe I need to sort out my priorities again-
or maybe He is preparing me for something bigger-
or maybe it's His way of bringing me closer to Him

Wallahualam bissawab.

A Year-plus Later

Unfiltered.
these thoughts I'm having in my mind now, that I'm penning down

Journaling was my vent-out session.
It started back when I was 11 or 12. Most of them were fear, silent frustration, teenage-angst outburst, battles, and conflicts against myself; and it went on until the completion of high school.

Then I moved most of them online- mainly acted like letters to Mom when I was studying in Perth, things that I couldn't find ways to voice out during phone call, I penned them into online blogging and posts.

And then big hiccups happened, and I was back home.
And social media platforms opened up and evolved throughout the years.
We also changed following the trend.
I still wrote privately, though, from pens and books, then cataloging them into different Word files.

Subsequently, less and less onto this particular platform.
Mainly because I found different ways to vent-
SocMed, live-vent to trusted circle;
And different distraction, healing, venting method- travel, volunteer works, courses and classes (for some reasons), and physical activities which included hiking, running, working out...

Hence less and less onto here.

Past few years however, it was no longer because I found different methods to vent
It was more like, I became so withdrawn and cocooned so much into self-doubt and fear, that I have lost the ability to vent and voice out. The recurring thoughts that were self-destructive were eating up whatever salvation I had. 

My time froze.

Until last August-September, 2025:

New surrounding that was somewhat refreshing, almost like stepping out of a "comfort zone"
A short reflection session with a mentor, which brought an impact that I never anticipated-

Chatting sessions to suddenly became breakdown sessions unexpectedly, and I guess were some push that I needed, to let my ears listen to the silent recurring thoughts that were haunting me-

A sudden decision to hit back into the gym, persuaded by the same cousins who roped me in 6-7 years ago, thinking that I needed that back-up support system on top of calculating on how to build some reserve to avoid, or at least delay the sarcopenia and cognitive impairment-

Talking to different people whom I've never really had a deep talk with previously and meeting fresh people with different perspectives; these have helped to push me off the edges and made me realize that falling isn't too bad.... yes, it hurt, but I just have to pick myself back up again-

Now,
I feel like time has slowly moved again
A bit less scary now that I'm slowly taking the definitive steps out of the "comfort zone"

Don't get me wrong...
The fear is still there- the commitment-phobic self that had been created for the past almost three decades wouldn't be an easy feat to overcome
I still have a lot of work to do on myself-
It's like, after one hurdle that you thought had drained all your blood, sweat, and tears, and that's it, there was nothing tougher than what you had gone through, another mountain and terrain suddenly reveal themselves to you...

BUT!

But we'll get there.

One step at a time.

One.
step.
at.
a.
Time.

p/s- out of the many trials, facing the you-who-have-a-lot-of-doubts a.k.a. myself is the toughest still.

Sekian, bebelan dan reflection tengah malam.

Voicing My Fear

I’m scared. Let me say that again: I’m scared.

One of the main reasons I asked for a full in-campus programme during MMed is how long it takes me to adapt to a new place. I realized this when I was 16. Moving from KL to Kerteh was one of the hardest transitions back then.

Of course, there was a lot of moving and shifting afterward, but I also noticed that Allah put me within my support system in all those transitions, and there was ease amid the difficulties indeed. But my next phase is… maybe because of a lot of ‘unknown’ circumstances, people, and environment… and maybe because I’ve become too comfortable currently staying at home for the past 1 year, I’m now overly anxious… afraid, even.

I think I’m not afraid to work hard… I’m just afraid of the judgment and the inability to cope with expectations. And physically, I feel I have less endurance now… and I don’t have a support system, I guess….? Like, how do I unwind at the end of the day? How do I cope? How fast can I adapt?
And for someone who’s easily overly nervous, the situation doesn’t help….

I’m trying to tell myself: Maybe it’s time to ‘re:set’

Reset the intention
Reset the routine
Reset the mindset, a.k.a. the way I look at things

Maybe 2025 is a ‘RE: SET’ year.

Recently, I came across a drama, Jeongyon: The Star is Born. I was so taken and impressed by the main lead that I instantly became a fan and tried to look for her other dramas and movies. She’s so talented, this girl! I was even more amazed when I learned that she had prepared for the role since April 2021! AND she was also working on other projects on top of that… So I thought…. “Ahh, this kind of preparation also EXISTS…”

Hence, reflecting on it, I know the 3-year programme in Geriatric Medicine that I’m currently in is probably short… will it be sufficient for me…? Especially if I’m going to be in this field for the next 20 years at least. At least, that gives me a little bit of courage to face 2025- that I know I have to go through this anyway for my training...

…

…

I’m still scared, though… to be honest.

On a different note, the 2 Kim Tae Ri's movies that I have not yet seen are ‘Little Forest’ and ‘1987: When the Day Comes’. No matter how much I search, I just couldn’t find ways to watch them, so if you can give me on little hint, do let me know….

I may go back into hiatus after this post. 

To you who are facing challenges, tested with illness and trials, may Allah ease your affairs… And amidst the business and our taxing schedule, remember that the genocide in Palestine is still ongoing and the world is still silent… as the tears form again, let’s do our part too. #FreePalestine.

Wallahualam bissawab.

A Pause;

By the time I realized it, I have not been jotting anything here for the past... more than a year or so.

When I started posting my Iceland trip entries, I was entering an uphill struggle in my working phase- too little time, too many things on my plate, and rather too scanty of some sort of support with too little air to breathe. While registrar time had me prepared somewhat for my new role at that time, certain unprecedented events took me by surprise, and perhaps my being extra-overwhelmed when I shouldn't, threw me off my balance and I just lost all control and spiraled down.

Maybe only a handful of people know what was really going on behind the scene. And to this handful of people, I am most grateful for.

Now that I am out of that phase and looking back, although it seemed like it was my darkest period so far, to the point I was seeking professional help, it was a blessing in disguise in many ways; it answered a LOT of questions I had and opened up a lot of OPPORTUNITIES to improve myself, especially mentally and spiritually.

That said, I will be taking yet another pause to pursue my studies, so yes, another chapter and another journey. This time (I feel as though) I'm on my own, alone to take on this path... until I found comrades along the way, I hope.

But, (and this is to remind myself) hasbunallah wani'mal wakeel

حَسْبُنَا ٱللَّهُ وَنِعْمَ ٱلْوَكِيلُ

Allah (Alone) is sufficient for us and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs.

Will be continuing the Iceland trip if I got the time, insyaAllah.

Rough Patch

Today is one of those days when you look back at the decisions you made and you question those decisions, wondering if you should have done it differently and if it would change the path and course that has now happened.

Today is one of those days when you question yourself if you have done justice.

I honestly don't like the day like today.

Filler 3: Reflection

Certainly, I didn’t plan to wake up on my birthday to being informed I misdiagnosed a patient.

However, I’m grateful to meet a few people who distracted me from being down the whole day. Conversations upon conversations later made me realize perhaps it’s not the issues of confidence and competency, rather the perfectionist side of me that’s making me afraid to take the next step until I’m ‘perfectly’ ready. That in turn discourages me from calling the shots until I have all the facts in my hands and remember everything in my mind.

It’s probably the reason I’m being too hard and too harsh on myself- that every mistake, small or big exposes my weakness and vulnerability. And this in turn drags me down further, unable to move on and got stuck at the “fact” and “conclusion” that I’m not good and I’m incompetent. That mantra kept on playing at the back of my mind until I believe that it was who I am.

Forgetting that I’m human and that human err.
Forgetting the fact that I have achieved success in the past, no matter how small they were.
Forgetting that I overcame the trials and tribulations in the past.
Forgetting that I got up from many falls, with the help of numerous people and the strength that God lend.

Maybe the fact that God sent a senior officer to point out the miss I made was meant to be. Maybe if I didn’t find the weakness and “confusion” that the patient had, we wouldn’t even diagnose the stroke, and maybe if that happened worse things could happen.

And to realize this now, finally putting the pieces together after such a long time, we came to the conclusion what’s meant to be was meant to be and if we make mistake, learn from it and don’t make the same mistake in the future.

And that I’m not perfect.
No one’s perfect.

Filler 2: Permission to-

Settling into the new place, environment, and working routine,
This will probably take some time.

In a way, it's perhaps physically slightly less taxing;
But in terms of the weight of the responsibility, and mentally, it's more and heavier.

First active general medicine on call as a physician, okay not so bad...
First passive covid on-call, so far still okay.

If there's anything that resurfaces from my ever-so-existing weakness,
It's my own insecurities and sense of incompetency and feeling unsure about everything
This, I need to "fix" it myself, and I need to improve.
This, I know will take longer than expected.

But for someone who has trouble adapting to new places,
I probably purposely jeopardize my own sanity by choosing to be deployed for the pandemic mobilization, not knowing where I'd be placed when I signed up for it...
And now they assigned me to a whole new place, I'm wondering if I'm pushing myself beyond what I can chew and if I just like to get myself into troubles.... -.-;;
Perhaps I should have just sat quietly here to adapt and get used to the new environment D=

Let's see what will happen in the next 6 weeks...

Filler: Voice

Previously while waiting for gazettement placement, gazetting specialists were allowed to choose their floating placement. Not this year, the pandemic limited that options and I decided to go to Hosp Sg. Buloh, for a few reasons. Part of it is because I wanted to see how's the situation there and learn from the team managing the pandemic fully for the past 1 year and a half.

Although many people were surprised by the 'brave' decision I took, I never regretted it but feeling much grateful and thankful for the given opportunity.

I learned and gained a lot more than expected, I worked with hardworking and helpful teams and driven consultants, I was given the chance to meet and work with hardworking albeit tired MOs, most being contract MOs & medical registrars, reliable nurses and Sister and efficient MAs and PPKs. It was a short one month but I am honoured to be given this chance.

One of the backbones of the team apart from the nurses were the MOs. I feel the pain of their uncertain future amid the heavy workload on their shoulders. Their worries are always at the back of their minds, some have lost hope and motivation even. While I can support the campaign and movement for their fair treatment, I am not in their shoes. 

But one thing is for sure: How can one work with a peaceful mind not knowing if they will be terminated by the end of the year or once they are deemed no more critical for the service?  

To these junior colleagues of mine, I pray that solutions will be there for you guys.

This issue isn't the only one that plaques the HCW during this time when the number of cases keeps on increasing. The cry of the burnout colleagues resonates through and through and every day I pray those involved, these frontliners' journey will be eased and they are given strength to trudge through the coming days.

Everyone is looking forward to the day when we can finally breathe with ease and a smile.
Never stop praying, never stop hoping.
The journey is still ongoing;

And for me, tomorrow comes another new page, a new chapter, and a new phase in this book of life.

Epilogue: The Beginning

This is just yet a prologue for the next chapter of life.
Completing MMed meaning a new role, new job scope(s) & extended responsibilities.

Peeking into the next chapter already

You know how I am with commitment.
So taking this new step is... nerve-wracking.
The effect has not yet made itself known because, amidst the pandemic, this role perhaps is paused to concentrate on the worsening situation of Covid-19.

The past 6 months have been anything but a new learning experience- admin work, coaching/leader-role, clinical work, managing covid, thesis writing, data analysis and thesis defense and balancing a whole bunch of responsibilities, handling different kinds of stress and stress level and the list go on. However, it's probably just a teaser of what's coming in the next phase. Being here for the past 4 years was.... a sheltered life. And stepping out, I don't know what's waiting... only endless possibilities and vast scenery of anything and nothingness ahead.

There's so much to say and so many things running in my mind. The different chaos happening at the same time frustrates a lot of people at so many different levels and the different reactions as the result of this could be so mind-boggling that it didn't make sense and you wonder if we have learned anything at all entering 2nd year of the pandemic.

10 years ago, it didn't even cross my mind that we'll be at the stage where we are now. 10 years ago I was beaming with the hope that one day I will walk a pathway of becoming a medical officer and maybe working my way to becoming a specialist. In what, I didn't know yet back then- maybe internal medicine, maybe psychiatry, maybe emergency medicine. But never did I imagine us living in an era of a deadly pandemic that's taking the lives of so many people. Heck, it didn't even cross my mind living like this 4 years ago- back then I put on hold almost everything I love (including traveling and volunteering work) with the hope that I would complete my studies on time and then planned to travel right after the last part of the exam to celebrate (kononnye), never did I imagine being stuck here and not being able to not just travel, but even our movement outside is restricted!

Just like that the table turned at the end of 2019 and continued to do so up till today. Until when? Only God knows.

So yes, the different reactions as the consequences of these life events that's been happening is.... kinda expected. But surely.... surely it's also an eye-opener to a lot of things, no?

Heated discussion there... XP

The silence I carry is not because I do not care.
But rather a continuous observation from inside and outside the box
Because saying something, forwarding something, and writing something carry some amount of responsibility. You're accountable for every word that you utter- it can be the truth, or it can be misleading information, so you decide which one you want to be- the spreader of truth, or the spreader or lies (although perhaps to you it's "presumed" truth) 

If you don't know and unsure, please seek the truth by asking the experts and reading from the correct, credible sources.
If you don't have anything nice to say, hold your tongue and check your fingers before typing nasty & filthy comments.
And if you don't agree with a certain opinion, just stop there but don't spread lies and misinformation.

It hasn't been a beautiful year.
Every day looks gloomy and we're at our wit's end and ready to collapse 
We may even wonder why things happened the way they are?

Perhaps there is a different path and future for each of us

Perhaps there will never be an answer
Perhaps we will only find the answers 10, 20, 50 or perhaps 100 years down the line
Perhaps it's a preparation for something bigger
Perhaps it's a reminder for the future
Perhaps it's to unravel hidden things and the ugly truths
Perhaps it's to highlight certain hidden issues
Perhaps it's a consequence of our OWN actions and words
Nobody knows...

Nobody knows.

Nobody but Allah.
Wallahualam bissawab

So I'm closing this chapter with a blank canvas for the next chapter.

Turn the page, Wani

Your new chapter is coming soon.

~*~

The Aftermath: Blood, Sweat and Tears

May 3-5th, 2021: Part 3 MMed Exam, Viva- Thesis Defence
4th May marked the day where a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Closing yet another chapter which was literally was blood, sweat, and tears.

Like literally.

MMed Batch June 2017- May 2021 (Incomplete quorum)

I started off this journey with a lot of hesitation. The experience as a house officer vs medical officer in general medicine was different; the more I walk this path, the more I don't know, the more difficult I felt, the more intimidated and unsure I became. But Allah has different plans for me- He diverted me back into medical and then into Masters of Internal Medicine where I knew it would be one of the toughest journeys yet. And MMed was literally blood, sweat, and tears no matter how much mentally prepared you thought you were. It would either make you or break you.

And it had almost broken me multiple times, especially during the last leg.

Nevertheless, what did make the difference are the people you met during this journey.

Part of the study group members

Allah eased my journey by letting me befriended friends who watch out for each other, lending shoulders to cry on, ears to listen to, and being keen reminders to each other. Allah allowed us to meet remarkable, impeccable, and impactful teachers, mentors, seniors, and colleagues- people whom we look up to, admired upon and they taught us many, many things from different aspects.  

Not only that, Allah gave me more than what I asked for:

- supportive family and friends outside the MMed circle and to be honest they are one of my strongest pillars of support and buffers

- challenging cases and incidents but full of lessons and wisdom and although they almost make me fall to pieces each time, I was supplicated by many hidden mechanisms to pull me through them  

- new opportunities and welcome distractions 

Ending one chapter means the beginning of another.
Successfully climbing one hurdle means facing a bigger one.

I honestly don’t know how the next chapter will be and what challenges it will bring.
To be honest, I'm more nervous than excited, especially to leave this comfort zone.
But if anything past 5 years has taught me, there’s always, ALWAYS reasons and meanings behind each event.

I just hope that in the future I will be able to look back into this post and this episode to remind myself of this.

Bismillah...

"We made it guys!" Sincerely, Tsum Tsum Girls

Pin: Ramadhan Kareem 2021 & (throwback) 2nd Dose

Another year welcoming Ramadhan

Let this graceful month enlighten all our darkness, wash away our sorrows and ease our pain.
May the blessing of Ramadhan be on all of us and may our prayers and deeds get accepted.

Ramadhan kareem, everyone!

---

The April series photos part 1: the incomplete quorum

April 11th, lunch with them, an incomplete quorum of the Zenols

April 10th, brunch with them, an incomplete quorum of Funtastic 4 + the aunts

April 9th, dinner, and coffee with them, an incomplete quorum of MDTs

---

Throwback to 2nd dose of covid-19 vaccine, Thursday 1st April
- it was the day before the submission of our thesis/dissertation manuscript, so we decided to go slightly later in the afternoon.

The jab itself wasn't painful, but I experienced slightly worse minor side effects (compared to the first dose) afterward- feeling feverish, headache, arthralgia, and myalgia akin to viral-like symptoms that warranted regular paracetamol... they lasted for about 48 hours and after that, you'll be okay.

The SNs were so gentle that you felt nothing and it was over in an instant

Completed 2nd dose. Let's all do out part, protect yourself, protect others :)

I Believe In...

She looks at the screen
She's had conversations with different people from a different group of people- her friends, her colleagues, her superiors, her seniors, her family... and every time, with a heavy heart she whispered, "but I want to go and achieve my dreams first- the small ones and perhaps if time permits, the bigger ones, before I commit myself to whatever commitment down in the future"

She's aware and realized that after months of juggling and struggling with one task after the other and handling new responsibilities, she's discovered a new side of her that she didn't even know existed. And that has sort of opened another window of opportunities in her career pathway that she can think about in the future.

"Only that...."

"Only that I want to go and do what I've been wanting to do.... things that I have put on hold for the past 4 years since I entered into this programme," she said out loud.

It's the basis and foundation of why she chose and ended up in this career pathway.
It's the essence that she wanted to embody into her existence in the world.
It's a legacy she wanted to leave her name with.

She doesn't know how long that will take.
And she's not sure if she would even like it enough to keep on doing it.
Perhaps she'll find that with time it's not as relevant as how she thought it would be.
Perhaps with time, she no longer has any energy and enthusiasm for it.

But before she decides on that, she wants to at least dive into it, freely doing it at her own pace, and just go crazy with it until she decides to stop or slow down.

"That's the main reason I read medicine, work in health care line and progress into this programme anyway. The whole purpose of this whole thing since I was 15-16 years old is to achieve these goals. Let me have a taste of it, to see if it's as sweet as I thought it will be...

... then we can talk on what's next.

Because what's next for me, is doing it- achieving my long-term goals"

Because perhaps she'll fall in love with it, so much so that she doesn't want to do anything else.

#IBelieveInAchievingMyDreams

#SnowFlower

Dear me,

To be honest, I thought 2020 was hard

It's only been a month and 10 days into 2021, and I don't know how many times I've already broken down in tears under the pressure, felt like I just wanted to end it and in the end, I hate the person I've become nowadays- the short-tempered, sarcastic & emotional labile walking human being. I'm not the nicest person walking around, and even I don't like myself.

You may call it self-destructive thoughts I'm having, but that's the reality.

I probably am not as resilient and as strong as I thought I would be.

So we may need to have a little bit of change in our game plan, yeah.

Give me some time.
I want to see how much I can bend under this pressure. 

"The whole world is full of white flowers

Make our atmosphere deeper

Under a stopped street lamp

May the flowers fall on your bright smile"

Snow Flower by BTS V (feat. Peakboy)

2021 : Unplug

I haven’t been able to write in my blog for a while.

Believe it or not, a lot has happened in the last 17 days.

2020 for me closed with one of the most memorable events- "This is 嵐 Live"; real-time fangirling over the online Arashi concert, crying over the last hours and minutes, being amazed at their performances, and feeling a lot of gratitude for these 5 guys whom I’ve known since 2008 and has taught me a lot about life principles, work ethics and friendships.

Kicked off 2021 with a good workout with Les Mills Bodypump and continued with RPM but had to run to the hospital halfway through to help with the Covid team. I thought I wanted to do things at "my pace" this year, but that prolly turn out to be a bit difficult.

And work continues till now, with new instruction and rearrangement every so often and troubleshooting while working out solutions are almost like second nature.

Almost at the cost (or perhaps already is) my daily ward work and thesis progress. Which worries me the most at the back of my mind.
And it almost, if not already affect me physically and mentally.

On another note, again this pandemic has unmasked and unveiled the uglier shade and truth behind a person's angelic face and persona- which is maybe a good thing so we can identify them and be more careful when dealing with them.

Unplug. Looking at things from a different perspective. 

Hence I have decided to unplug from most soc-med platforms, unplug from things that don't matter and decide to listen more, turn worries and anxiety into gratitude, take a different approach by trying to see things from different perspectives, and work on problem-solving & coaching rather than being a trouble maker and a complainer.

They are not easy tasks... but let's see how the coming days unfold and how they can help me grow.

Like rainfall over the flowers in spring, I'm waiting for spring day to come.

Despite the monochromic blue & grey, life (still) goes on

Oh, this ground feels so heavier
I am singing by myself
I just wanna be happier
Blue & Grey, BTS

It's November,

Slightly a bit more than a month before 2020 leaves us and we welcome the year 2021

To be honest, 

This year went through like a blur,

That passed by so fast and slow at the same time

It started with a lot of optimism, joy, and exciting plans,

(while at the same time noticing the looming mist of uncertainty as the pandemic news drifting in)

And suddenly we're all in a panic room, 

And I found myself on the ground, face flat with a blank mind,

Unable to even move, the darkness encroaching and suffocating,

Only God knows how desperate I was trying to breathe some air...

And I'm sure I was NOT the only one feeling that way.

What and who pulled me out of those black holes?

It took a long time to move again,

And it took a while to feel like myself again... 

What about you?

As we are left with a few more days before welcoming the new calendar year,

It may be time to start reflecting on how this year has affected us.

My questions to you are:

Have you been robbed of the year 2020?

If so, what are they? 

More importantly, did you gain anything else from what you’ve lost?

끝이 보이지 않아

출구가 있긴 할까

발이 떼지질 않아 않아 oh

잠시 두 눈을 감아

여기 내 손을 잡아

저 미래로 달아나자

There’s no end in sight

Is there a way out?

My feet refuse to move, oh

Close your eyes for a moment

Hold my hand

To that future, let’s run away

Life Goes On, BTS

Closing August Chapter pt 2: [Scenery] The Reflection

#np풍경(Scenery)byV 

Who would have thought that in 2020 things went by the way it did. It's the last day of August, in Malaysia we are celebrating our 63rd Independence Day in a new norm, with the theme of "Malaysia Prihatin".

For most of us, time probably stand still for quite some time, went for a slow-mo maybe, or perhaps just downright disaster.  Amid the battle against COVID-19 pandemic worldwide, there were many sad, frustrated and devastating happenings as well for the past 8 months. While some are starting to make some recovery, some decided to contribute to that recovery, some are perhaps still stuck and struggling.

On a more personal level, August has been an up-and-down roller-coaster ride for me. I was looking forward to the end of August initially, mainly because I'd turn 36 on the 28th, thinking how should I spend the day... but the concatenation of events starting in February this year had a complete different course for me.

The realization of the weight of the responsibility and accountability that I'd carry in the next phase of my career, to be honest, scared me to death. Literally. Just thinking about it alone is terrifying. I talked about this to my confidante just before my part 2 theory exam- at that time I wasn't just unprepared for the exam, but I was also unprepared for the title and responsibility that come along with passing the exam. I even thought of deferring... that's how scared I was. And that fed to my self-doubt and self-critique about my own work-competency.

But life must go on, we passed our theory paper... Miraculously.

And then COVID-19 happened.

Time stopped.

While most sectors paused due to world-wide lockdown, the essential services went on. And we're part of it. So exams aside, work came first.

Until 2 months ago when things eased up and daily activities resumed with new norms, the essential services also continue. And for us, the postponement of our exam means we have slightly a little bit of time to prepare.

But you know what happened to that fear I had previously? It snowballed. Slowly at first, but incidents after incidents just pushed it into an avalanche.

Some people perhaps had a little break during the lock-down. But some of us didn't. And I can't afford one when the exam is just around the corner. We couldn't slow down, we had to shift gear.

Taking a completely different role in the new semester while have not yet passed the exam- new on-call role, new seniority role, covering the roster, trying to catch up with studying, and at the same time trying to abate your fear, anxiety, and self-doubt, perhaps I had a little too much on my plate.

To some people, perhaps work is just.... work, you know... but our work deals directly with someone's health and to an extent life and death situation. So perhaps that weight... I thought I wasn't ready to carry them yet. Part of me still thinks I still am not ready yet, to be honest.

And when that thought repeatedly invaded your mind and playing recurrently without you being able to stop it, like an unhealthy obsession, you can even spiralled down into 'depression'. Pretending to be okay, while suffocating and unsure how to reach out for help, it consumed me to a point I just wanted things to end quickly. Now that I'm out of that box, I never want to feel that feeling of desolated anymore. Ever.

Because nothing I did was able to take me out of it.

God perhaps had a different plan for me from what I had in my mind. And He sent me help through means that I didn't expect. And I realized, perhaps I should have been kinder to myself, less harsh of a critique and lean more on others a little bit more.

Many years ago, I learned that when you fall, it's what you choose to do after that fall that matters. How fast you want to get up? How long you want to stay down? What method will you use to get up? These are things that will decide on your next step and future journey.

And in that small, heavy climb I'm taking at the moment, I know that some things are just unavoidable. Responsibility and accountability towards your job and your life choices, the words you choose, and the actions you take, they will all come back to you. If not soon or the near future, it will be later. And if you're a Muslim, all of these will be questioned on the Day of Judgement- hence the concept of Ihsan.

I'm closing this August chapter with a new prologue for September; a new challenge, to rise and climb.

Perhaps all of this sounds a little dramatic. Maybe it is. But this is my book of journey. So, here's to the 36-year-old me: hang in there, don’t give up, and may the next adventure bring more beneficial knowledge and wisdom, and be kind to all.

Watch this, this is my scenery at this moment.

Sidenote,

Happy 63rd Independence Day, Malaysia!

If you stumble down, get up.

you can take a bit of rest for a while, but GET UP

and continue your journey...

Related post: Closing August Chapter pt 1: [#Scenery] The Birthday Collection [via my IG @wani_z]

Reflection : [Crystal Snow]

I've been wanting to jot something down here... But a series of events since my last entry rendered me unable to write. I've written a few entries though in my personal journal, for a time like this- reflecting and analyzing. 

I keep thinking, it's a bit weird that in my mid-30s, this kind of thought and struggle would surround my life. I would have never imagined walking down this path; I mean, back then you would have expected by mid-30s, walking through to 40s, you would have had a stable career, building a home and family and perhaps embarking into a more mature stage in life. 

But perhaps God has different plans for everyone. And I guess to each their own story, struggle, and journey.

You'll notice that I'm repeating the same word again and again- struggle.

Because that has been going on for the past almost one month.

Now that I'm looking back, I think the snowballing started off mid of July and then a series of events at work fed to the negative feelings and thoughts, and everything became too overwhelming that I broke down and stopped functioning for a while.

While recovering -if you would call it that- I noticed that I had the same recurring thoughts that fed to my fear and anxiety. And it spiraled out of control to a point of suffocating me and it started to disturb my work as my-self esteem plummeted more and more. It got to a point where I contacted my colleague in Psychiatry for help as the methods that used to work in alleviating the stress weren't working anymore and I kept crying at small disturbing thoughts.

The most dangerous thing during that period was how I thought I was doing okay and believed I was doing so.

Until the thought of wanting to sleep and not waking up anymore screamed louder than my own thought.

That short 48 hours of my life -when I had a small taste of not being able to feel other emotions than sadness, desolation, isolation, frustration, and everything seemed dark around me- was not something that I ever wanted to feel again, to be honest. I couldn't laugh or smile, or even enjoy the slightest thing. I only cried. 

This might sound dramatic, but now that I'm out of that box, I think I am finally able to understand why someone can choose an extreme way out and I can say that it has nothing to do with either you're a religious person or not. It's that extreme fear that you're trying to get away from and anything else seemed like a better option, a way out compared to that fear.

And it's not that I didn't want to reach out or talk to someone... I had a lot of people whom I trust around me at that time- my mom, my closest cousin, my closest friends. I just didn't know how to reach out, what to say and how to express it... and the worst part was, I knew how to put an act like everything was okay.

A stressor may seem trivial to one person, but a similar situation may give a totally different effect on another and they may struggle differently too. I guess in those moments, even though some time alone would be good, it's important to check on them and don't leave them be too long on their own. 

It's true that different people cope differently but I believe it's also helpful to express the troubles and not bottle everything up even though you feel like you know what's going on and you think that you've got this in your hands.

Trust me, I listed down the problems one by one, where the roots were, what the triggers were and I even listed what I've tried to overcome the fears, doubts, and worries. And let me tell you it included prayers, short retreat with my family and I even forced myself to join the group exercise just to get those endorphins going.

But Alhamdulillah, God sent me an unexpected friend whom I ended up opened up to, and perhaps hearing myself out loud and admitting them to someone did make some difference.

I am thankful that today I am able to wake up without that heavy feeling and finally able to enjoy life and able to function. And yesterday was the day I woke up and felt... almost normal, and I'm almost back to my old self.

Saying this, my self-esteem issues not yet resolved, but I'm working on it insyaAllah

This is just a reminder to myself, to be kinder to myself and other people next time I see them struggling with life... and not to judge too fast... You never know what's going on in their life...

One Step

Took this picture to remind me in the future of my first Reg call- the 6th call
The first on-call wasn't so bad, the second one I could only catch an hour of sleep
Feels like quite some time ago, the no-sleep on-call ^.^;

So the first step was taken,
Survived it, thank goodness. But my first MROC, weekend call to top it off, will come next week- am guessing another bout of palpitation will come sometime within 48 hours prior to that on call.... ^.^;
It sounds like I'm putting on a big drama, doesn't it?
But for a commitment-phobic like me, yeah, it feels like a big deal

A great teacher left us these words during our final year,
Toughen up during housemanship; even when you're tired or completely knocked down, just don't complain. Do your best, make sure to give it all you've got in these 2 years. Don't be calculative (exact words were 'jangan berkira sangat') with your colleagues, cover for them, have good teamwork!

That was sort of a mantra, and a frequent reminder when I was a house officer
Now even after that phase has passed, the whole message still stands, no matter which level you're at, you do need to toughen up, don't be calculative, have good teamwork... and this insyaAllah will ease your journey.
May Allah bless her caring soul...

Throwback: Face Down (2012)

Crossroads

Excuse me while I contemplate on life
At this age, I’m kind of ashamed that I still go through this kind of struggle
But,
Watch me grow
Walk with me
Watch me break through my struggles
In the hope of becoming a better person
One who can contribute to humanity, life, and my deen
InsyaAllah

Life is about making choices

From the smallest, trivial ones you have to make on a daily basis

To the important or life-changing decisions

I made my decision 

There’s no doubt that I want to progress and make that jump one day

I have made up my mind the moment I applied for Masters

I knew this day would come

But I’m still too scared to take that jump, to hold that title, to carry that responsibility

They said “with big role comes big responsibility”

Recently Sakurai Sho (of Arashi) said “with freedom comes a big responsibility”

I’m surprised at his statement, but I can understand from where he’s coming from;

You are given the freedom to make your own choices

You have to take accountability of the choices that you made

And you follow through

And you do your best to uphold that responsibility

Because in the end, it will come back to you

Some outcomes are measurable

But some aren’t so easy to measure

Your life satisfaction for example

Are you happy with the choices that you made?

I have made my choices

And I’m walking through these decisions,

Amidst my ongoing struggle to break through from my inferiority complex and my introvert personality

Yet, it still doesn’t hold back the fears that I’m having

I still feel incompetent

I still feel like I’m doing mistakes,

I still feel like other people are unsatisfied with me

Then I become more and more scared

I’m becoming angrier and angrier

I’m always in a bad mood these past few days

And I’m upset with myself most of the time

And finally I broke down

And I prayed,

Then it felt slightly better

The weight on my shoulder became just slightly bearable

And that palpitation calmed down a bit

And that anxiety simmered down a little bit

And I can breathe slightly better

At this juncture, there’s no more turning back

I should just hold my head high and face it forward

And hope to be more confident

And pray I make the best choices

The first step is usually the hardest one to take

And I’m sure I’ll be facing more and more hurdles as time goes by

So I might just as well bite it and give my best

And pray everything will come out alright

Tawakkal...

Ya Allah Ya Fattah… Iftah Alaiyah….


Please excuse me while I contemplate on life

[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]

새로운 시작은 늘 설레게 하지

모든 걸 이겨낼 것처럼---

내가 지쳐 쓰러질 때까진

어떤 이유도

어떤 변명도

지금 내겐 용기가 필요해---

It's always exciting to start over

Like you're gonna get through everything---

Let's start from now

Whatever the reason,

whatever the excuse

I need courage right now---

[ 시작 by Gaho (Itaewon Class OST)]

credits : https://lyricstranslate.com

 

//Trying to concentrate in Epilepsy Made Easy online course. Felt so long ago I joined a full-day course... The new norm, teachings are done online, social distancing is priority to break the infection....

When I joined MMed programme for Internal Medicine, Year 4 seemed so far away... The registrars at that time were very impressive, detailed, and confident. I wondered if I would be able to get to that stage one day.

That was in mid-2017.

3 years have passed, it's 2020 now. A lot has happened; we're still in the midst of pandemic and living in a new norm.

At the end of our second last posting, in the feedback session, I realized I still haven't overcome one weakness of mine that has plagued me for as long as I remember. I knew at that time I said to myself, give me a little bit of time, I'll overcome it.

Then we had the exam in February, where the self-confidence just plummetted further realizing I still don't know much... I take it as a miracle that I passed the theory paper. Clinical exam however is postponed due to COVID-19.

Now we are progressing into the new semester, some of us suddenly upgraded to being (pseudo)-Registrars of the ward. That title alone gives me chills and puts a heavy burden on my shoulders. 

They say "with big roles, come big responsibilities."

And I realized it's mainly because I still haven't overcome my (ultimate) weakness: Self-Confidence.

which I don't have.... Self-doubt? I have that, a lot. But the confidence to carry this responsibility as a Registrar, and when we passed, Specialist... I wonder why does it still sound like a far distance goal, something that is out of my reach when it's near?

"The more you learn, the more you don't know"

Yes, we hear that a lot too... and I know this, experiencing it and I still feel like I still have a lot to learn... I still feel like I'm taking small steps and I'm still new to this field. And that scares me.

I guess it's because to have that confidence, you have to know your facts... and facts are something that I don't think I have enough. Yes, you can say all the more reason to learn in MMed... I am trying... But I still don't find it enough... 

And that thought is running through a never-ending loop in my mind, feeding further to the self-doubt that is already peaking inside me... it's like a repeated cycle, an obsessive thought that's running in the background.

I have some real issues here...

...

So maybe.... maybe this break that we unexpectedly received before the second part of the exam is the break that I need to sort out these issues. 

Time to reflect and find solutions. Time to build something.

Time to get used to be in this position and to take a step further...

I have a feeling that I'll be jotting down a lot more entries than expected this year, leaving more footprints, taking it one step at a time. So remember these, Wani :

Try to take a step forward on your own, utter "Ganbatte!"--

まずは自分で踏み出してみて

「頑張れ」そんな安いヤツでいい---

First, try to take a step forward on your own

"Do your best"　Such a simple phrase is fine---

[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]

credits: https://yarukizero.livejournal.com/40047.html

P/S- I love love LOVE the drama Itaewon Class! The development of the storyline & characters, the OSTs, the casts; everything!

Related post : Reflection : One Step - my first entry entering Masters