It was an anticipated future,

but it didn't make it less painful.

Had a bad emotional breakdown last Sunday.

I guess the dam just broke with a little nudge of "How are you doing? How's life?"

It was already cracking for the past 2 weeks, but somehow the fort was still holding on-
The first crack was a simple message of "It's okay, you're strong"-
The second nudge was something that happened at home that made me question my life existence-
The push was the question of "How are you doing? How's life?"

It calmed down after a while and got distracted with the workout
But a meeting with one who knows me inside out at lunch, and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

But alhamdulillah,
it was a session that I needed
to lay everything out and say them out loud
because it finally sorted the tangles I had in my mind
that keep on recurring, making me more anxious, upset, and fearful

But now I had said everything aloud,
pieces of broken thoughts finally laid out in the open-
and things seem like falling into place like a jigsaw puzzle-
and it's easier to straighten the tangles now-
and it's easier to sort the feelings and emotions attached to it-
and it's easier to label them and make decisions that need to be made.

We planned, but Allah also plans
And Allah's plans are far greater and wiser than ours
we may not see the effect of it now
but I'm sure we will look back in the future and be glad that it turned the way it is now.

It may also be a reminder for me,
a nudge, a tap on the shoulder, a lesson-
that maybe I've astrayed too much and too far-
that maybe I need to sort out my priorities again-
or maybe He is preparing me for something bigger-
or maybe it's His way of bringing me closer to Him

Wallahualam bissawab.

Reasons

I feel like... I have no reasons to keep on going
Every day feels like I'm forcing myself to get up and go to work
Every day is a struggle to find reasons to keep on moving for the day... and even with no reason, I just walk along aimlessly and at the end of the day, I wonder why am I still here, why can't it end?

This has been going on for slightly more than a week now...

I wonder how long this weight will last?

Filler 2: Permission to-

Settling into the new place, environment, and working routine,
This will probably take some time.

In a way, it's perhaps physically slightly less taxing;
But in terms of the weight of the responsibility, and mentally, it's more and heavier.

First active general medicine on call as a physician, okay not so bad...
First passive covid on-call, so far still okay.

If there's anything that resurfaces from my ever-so-existing weakness,
It's my own insecurities and sense of incompetency and feeling unsure about everything
This, I need to "fix" it myself, and I need to improve.
This, I know will take longer than expected.

But for someone who has trouble adapting to new places,
I probably purposely jeopardize my own sanity by choosing to be deployed for the pandemic mobilization, not knowing where I'd be placed when I signed up for it...
And now they assigned me to a whole new place, I'm wondering if I'm pushing myself beyond what I can chew and if I just like to get myself into troubles.... -.-;;
Perhaps I should have just sat quietly here to adapt and get used to the new environment D=

Let's see what will happen in the next 6 weeks...

Filler: Voice

Previously while waiting for gazettement placement, gazetting specialists were allowed to choose their floating placement. Not this year, the pandemic limited that options and I decided to go to Hosp Sg. Buloh, for a few reasons. Part of it is because I wanted to see how's the situation there and learn from the team managing the pandemic fully for the past 1 year and a half.

Although many people were surprised by the 'brave' decision I took, I never regretted it but feeling much grateful and thankful for the given opportunity.

I learned and gained a lot more than expected, I worked with hardworking and helpful teams and driven consultants, I was given the chance to meet and work with hardworking albeit tired MOs, most being contract MOs & medical registrars, reliable nurses and Sister and efficient MAs and PPKs. It was a short one month but I am honoured to be given this chance.

One of the backbones of the team apart from the nurses were the MOs. I feel the pain of their uncertain future amid the heavy workload on their shoulders. Their worries are always at the back of their minds, some have lost hope and motivation even. While I can support the campaign and movement for their fair treatment, I am not in their shoes. 

But one thing is for sure: How can one work with a peaceful mind not knowing if they will be terminated by the end of the year or once they are deemed no more critical for the service?  

To these junior colleagues of mine, I pray that solutions will be there for you guys.

This issue isn't the only one that plaques the HCW during this time when the number of cases keeps on increasing. The cry of the burnout colleagues resonates through and through and every day I pray those involved, these frontliners' journey will be eased and they are given strength to trudge through the coming days.

Everyone is looking forward to the day when we can finally breathe with ease and a smile.
Never stop praying, never stop hoping.
The journey is still ongoing;

And for me, tomorrow comes another new page, a new chapter, and a new phase in this book of life.

Epilogue: The Beginning

This is just yet a prologue for the next chapter of life.
Completing MMed meaning a new role, new job scope(s) & extended responsibilities.

Peeking into the next chapter already

You know how I am with commitment.
So taking this new step is... nerve-wracking.
The effect has not yet made itself known because, amidst the pandemic, this role perhaps is paused to concentrate on the worsening situation of Covid-19.

The past 6 months have been anything but a new learning experience- admin work, coaching/leader-role, clinical work, managing covid, thesis writing, data analysis and thesis defense and balancing a whole bunch of responsibilities, handling different kinds of stress and stress level and the list go on. However, it's probably just a teaser of what's coming in the next phase. Being here for the past 4 years was.... a sheltered life. And stepping out, I don't know what's waiting... only endless possibilities and vast scenery of anything and nothingness ahead.

There's so much to say and so many things running in my mind. The different chaos happening at the same time frustrates a lot of people at so many different levels and the different reactions as the result of this could be so mind-boggling that it didn't make sense and you wonder if we have learned anything at all entering 2nd year of the pandemic.

10 years ago, it didn't even cross my mind that we'll be at the stage where we are now. 10 years ago I was beaming with the hope that one day I will walk a pathway of becoming a medical officer and maybe working my way to becoming a specialist. In what, I didn't know yet back then- maybe internal medicine, maybe psychiatry, maybe emergency medicine. But never did I imagine us living in an era of a deadly pandemic that's taking the lives of so many people. Heck, it didn't even cross my mind living like this 4 years ago- back then I put on hold almost everything I love (including traveling and volunteering work) with the hope that I would complete my studies on time and then planned to travel right after the last part of the exam to celebrate (kononnye), never did I imagine being stuck here and not being able to not just travel, but even our movement outside is restricted!

Just like that the table turned at the end of 2019 and continued to do so up till today. Until when? Only God knows.

So yes, the different reactions as the consequences of these life events that's been happening is.... kinda expected. But surely.... surely it's also an eye-opener to a lot of things, no?

Heated discussion there... XP

The silence I carry is not because I do not care.
But rather a continuous observation from inside and outside the box
Because saying something, forwarding something, and writing something carry some amount of responsibility. You're accountable for every word that you utter- it can be the truth, or it can be misleading information, so you decide which one you want to be- the spreader of truth, or the spreader or lies (although perhaps to you it's "presumed" truth) 

If you don't know and unsure, please seek the truth by asking the experts and reading from the correct, credible sources.
If you don't have anything nice to say, hold your tongue and check your fingers before typing nasty & filthy comments.
And if you don't agree with a certain opinion, just stop there but don't spread lies and misinformation.

It hasn't been a beautiful year.
Every day looks gloomy and we're at our wit's end and ready to collapse 
We may even wonder why things happened the way they are?

Perhaps there is a different path and future for each of us

Perhaps there will never be an answer
Perhaps we will only find the answers 10, 20, 50 or perhaps 100 years down the line
Perhaps it's a preparation for something bigger
Perhaps it's a reminder for the future
Perhaps it's to unravel hidden things and the ugly truths
Perhaps it's to highlight certain hidden issues
Perhaps it's a consequence of our OWN actions and words
Nobody knows...

Nobody knows.

Nobody but Allah.
Wallahualam bissawab

So I'm closing this chapter with a blank canvas for the next chapter.

Turn the page, Wani

Your new chapter is coming soon.

~*~

The Aftermath: Blood, Sweat and Tears

May 3-5th, 2021: Part 3 MMed Exam, Viva- Thesis Defence
4th May marked the day where a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Closing yet another chapter which was literally was blood, sweat, and tears.

Like literally.

MMed Batch June 2017- May 2021 (Incomplete quorum)

I started off this journey with a lot of hesitation. The experience as a house officer vs medical officer in general medicine was different; the more I walk this path, the more I don't know, the more difficult I felt, the more intimidated and unsure I became. But Allah has different plans for me- He diverted me back into medical and then into Masters of Internal Medicine where I knew it would be one of the toughest journeys yet. And MMed was literally blood, sweat, and tears no matter how much mentally prepared you thought you were. It would either make you or break you.

And it had almost broken me multiple times, especially during the last leg.

Nevertheless, what did make the difference are the people you met during this journey.

Part of the study group members

Allah eased my journey by letting me befriended friends who watch out for each other, lending shoulders to cry on, ears to listen to, and being keen reminders to each other. Allah allowed us to meet remarkable, impeccable, and impactful teachers, mentors, seniors, and colleagues- people whom we look up to, admired upon and they taught us many, many things from different aspects.  

Not only that, Allah gave me more than what I asked for:

- supportive family and friends outside the MMed circle and to be honest they are one of my strongest pillars of support and buffers

- challenging cases and incidents but full of lessons and wisdom and although they almost make me fall to pieces each time, I was supplicated by many hidden mechanisms to pull me through them  

- new opportunities and welcome distractions 

Ending one chapter means the beginning of another.
Successfully climbing one hurdle means facing a bigger one.

I honestly don’t know how the next chapter will be and what challenges it will bring.
To be honest, I'm more nervous than excited, especially to leave this comfort zone.
But if anything past 5 years has taught me, there’s always, ALWAYS reasons and meanings behind each event.

I just hope that in the future I will be able to look back into this post and this episode to remind myself of this.

Bismillah...

"We made it guys!" Sincerely, Tsum Tsum Girls

Pin: The Sprint, The Battle & The Truth

Enter: the last 10 nights of Ramadhan,
Key aim: gain as much as possible, re-connect, lots and tonnes of dua, the sprint

Enter: the last 48 hours before part 3 viva- the thesis defence
Key aim: survive that grueling 45-minute presenting and grilling, the battle

Enter: the last month of the masters programme
Key aim(s): finish this programme swiftly, pass over my unofficial job(s), ensure some systems are in place for the next batch to continue to manage covid cases smoothly, take a little of a break, and settle pending personal plans that I've been postponing, the sprint

Enter: Less than a month before deciding where to gazette
Key aim: Will depend on what's the next step and what's in line for me, the unknown

Enter: To be honest, at this rate- the impending coming wave
Key aim: Bracing mentally (and perhaps for the whole frontliners as well) and physically
Shortfall(s): Tired. It's been more than a year without a break. Critical care units that are always full... the struggle for optimum care- only those involved know. To be honest, we don't even have the energy to argue with those who don't believe; so pray it doesn't befall unto your loved ones.
Counter-act(s): I have to remind myself this every time- find small wins, small gratitudes and make a lot of sincere dua

#SnowFlower

Dear me,

To be honest, I thought 2020 was hard

It's only been a month and 10 days into 2021, and I don't know how many times I've already broken down in tears under the pressure, felt like I just wanted to end it and in the end, I hate the person I've become nowadays- the short-tempered, sarcastic & emotional labile walking human being. I'm not the nicest person walking around, and even I don't like myself.

You may call it self-destructive thoughts I'm having, but that's the reality.

I probably am not as resilient and as strong as I thought I would be.

So we may need to have a little bit of change in our game plan, yeah.

Give me some time.
I want to see how much I can bend under this pressure. 

"The whole world is full of white flowers

Make our atmosphere deeper

Under a stopped street lamp

May the flowers fall on your bright smile"

Snow Flower by BTS V (feat. Peakboy)

Despite the monochromic blue & grey, life (still) goes on

Oh, this ground feels so heavier
I am singing by myself
I just wanna be happier
Blue & Grey, BTS

It's November,

Slightly a bit more than a month before 2020 leaves us and we welcome the year 2021

To be honest, 

This year went through like a blur,

That passed by so fast and slow at the same time

It started with a lot of optimism, joy, and exciting plans,

(while at the same time noticing the looming mist of uncertainty as the pandemic news drifting in)

And suddenly we're all in a panic room, 

And I found myself on the ground, face flat with a blank mind,

Unable to even move, the darkness encroaching and suffocating,

Only God knows how desperate I was trying to breathe some air...

And I'm sure I was NOT the only one feeling that way.

What and who pulled me out of those black holes?

It took a long time to move again,

And it took a while to feel like myself again... 

What about you?

As we are left with a few more days before welcoming the new calendar year,

It may be time to start reflecting on how this year has affected us.

My questions to you are:

Have you been robbed of the year 2020?

If so, what are they? 

More importantly, did you gain anything else from what you’ve lost?

끝이 보이지 않아

출구가 있긴 할까

발이 떼지질 않아 않아 oh

잠시 두 눈을 감아

여기 내 손을 잡아

저 미래로 달아나자

There’s no end in sight

Is there a way out?

My feet refuse to move, oh

Close your eyes for a moment

Hold my hand

To that future, let’s run away

Life Goes On, BTS

Less Than 12 Hours Away

Hello,

Hi, I'm dropping by to say that I'm very nervous
For tomorrow and the next 3 days.
It's not just me I'm sure...
Too nervous to even think about what I want to wear for tomorrow

I've been dropping this to my personal journal the past few days
But it still doesn't take away the nerve-wrecking anxious feeling pre-exam 
And I don't want to bother people in my IG and Twitter list

So let me just engrave this here,
That, even after 19 years post-SPM (high school exit exam),
Even after 9 years of post-medical school exit exam,
And 3 years post-MMed part 1,
Exam still induces SVT-like palpitation,
Especially the clinical exam.

Wish us luck!

#SweetNight

If you don't have anything nice to say,
Say nothing at all.

Just observe,
wait and watch,
hold your tongue from commenting,
pause your hand from typing,
and just observe, let the world takes its course

Maybe,
just maybe,
for once you will see the world unfold itself,
and you'll see the beauty of silence,
the meaning of being quiet,
and let the positivity calm your crude remarks

If you don't have anything nice to say,
say nothing at all
and let the sweet night course through silently

And maybe for once,
you'll be able to reflect upon yourself

*This is mainly a reminder for myself
And has nothing to do with Sweet Night by V
Although..... I love the song to death XP

30 more days to exams and counting
Yup, we're entering that panic mode already >.<

Closing August Chapter pt 2: [Scenery] The Reflection

#np풍경(Scenery)byV 

Who would have thought that in 2020 things went by the way it did. It's the last day of August, in Malaysia we are celebrating our 63rd Independence Day in a new norm, with the theme of "Malaysia Prihatin".

For most of us, time probably stand still for quite some time, went for a slow-mo maybe, or perhaps just downright disaster.  Amid the battle against COVID-19 pandemic worldwide, there were many sad, frustrated and devastating happenings as well for the past 8 months. While some are starting to make some recovery, some decided to contribute to that recovery, some are perhaps still stuck and struggling.

On a more personal level, August has been an up-and-down roller-coaster ride for me. I was looking forward to the end of August initially, mainly because I'd turn 36 on the 28th, thinking how should I spend the day... but the concatenation of events starting in February this year had a complete different course for me.

The realization of the weight of the responsibility and accountability that I'd carry in the next phase of my career, to be honest, scared me to death. Literally. Just thinking about it alone is terrifying. I talked about this to my confidante just before my part 2 theory exam- at that time I wasn't just unprepared for the exam, but I was also unprepared for the title and responsibility that come along with passing the exam. I even thought of deferring... that's how scared I was. And that fed to my self-doubt and self-critique about my own work-competency.

But life must go on, we passed our theory paper... Miraculously.

And then COVID-19 happened.

Time stopped.

While most sectors paused due to world-wide lockdown, the essential services went on. And we're part of it. So exams aside, work came first.

Until 2 months ago when things eased up and daily activities resumed with new norms, the essential services also continue. And for us, the postponement of our exam means we have slightly a little bit of time to prepare.

But you know what happened to that fear I had previously? It snowballed. Slowly at first, but incidents after incidents just pushed it into an avalanche.

Some people perhaps had a little break during the lock-down. But some of us didn't. And I can't afford one when the exam is just around the corner. We couldn't slow down, we had to shift gear.

Taking a completely different role in the new semester while have not yet passed the exam- new on-call role, new seniority role, covering the roster, trying to catch up with studying, and at the same time trying to abate your fear, anxiety, and self-doubt, perhaps I had a little too much on my plate.

To some people, perhaps work is just.... work, you know... but our work deals directly with someone's health and to an extent life and death situation. So perhaps that weight... I thought I wasn't ready to carry them yet. Part of me still thinks I still am not ready yet, to be honest.

And when that thought repeatedly invaded your mind and playing recurrently without you being able to stop it, like an unhealthy obsession, you can even spiralled down into 'depression'. Pretending to be okay, while suffocating and unsure how to reach out for help, it consumed me to a point I just wanted things to end quickly. Now that I'm out of that box, I never want to feel that feeling of desolated anymore. Ever.

Because nothing I did was able to take me out of it.

God perhaps had a different plan for me from what I had in my mind. And He sent me help through means that I didn't expect. And I realized, perhaps I should have been kinder to myself, less harsh of a critique and lean more on others a little bit more.

Many years ago, I learned that when you fall, it's what you choose to do after that fall that matters. How fast you want to get up? How long you want to stay down? What method will you use to get up? These are things that will decide on your next step and future journey.

And in that small, heavy climb I'm taking at the moment, I know that some things are just unavoidable. Responsibility and accountability towards your job and your life choices, the words you choose, and the actions you take, they will all come back to you. If not soon or the near future, it will be later. And if you're a Muslim, all of these will be questioned on the Day of Judgement- hence the concept of Ihsan.

I'm closing this August chapter with a new prologue for September; a new challenge, to rise and climb.

Perhaps all of this sounds a little dramatic. Maybe it is. But this is my book of journey. So, here's to the 36-year-old me: hang in there, don’t give up, and may the next adventure bring more beneficial knowledge and wisdom, and be kind to all.

Watch this, this is my scenery at this moment.

Sidenote,

Happy 63rd Independence Day, Malaysia!

If you stumble down, get up.

you can take a bit of rest for a while, but GET UP

and continue your journey...

Related post: Closing August Chapter pt 1: [#Scenery] The Birthday Collection [via my IG @wani_z]

Reflection : [Crystal Snow]

I've been wanting to jot something down here... But a series of events since my last entry rendered me unable to write. I've written a few entries though in my personal journal, for a time like this- reflecting and analyzing. 

I keep thinking, it's a bit weird that in my mid-30s, this kind of thought and struggle would surround my life. I would have never imagined walking down this path; I mean, back then you would have expected by mid-30s, walking through to 40s, you would have had a stable career, building a home and family and perhaps embarking into a more mature stage in life. 

But perhaps God has different plans for everyone. And I guess to each their own story, struggle, and journey.

You'll notice that I'm repeating the same word again and again- struggle.

Because that has been going on for the past almost one month.

Now that I'm looking back, I think the snowballing started off mid of July and then a series of events at work fed to the negative feelings and thoughts, and everything became too overwhelming that I broke down and stopped functioning for a while.

While recovering -if you would call it that- I noticed that I had the same recurring thoughts that fed to my fear and anxiety. And it spiraled out of control to a point of suffocating me and it started to disturb my work as my-self esteem plummeted more and more. It got to a point where I contacted my colleague in Psychiatry for help as the methods that used to work in alleviating the stress weren't working anymore and I kept crying at small disturbing thoughts.

The most dangerous thing during that period was how I thought I was doing okay and believed I was doing so.

Until the thought of wanting to sleep and not waking up anymore screamed louder than my own thought.

That short 48 hours of my life -when I had a small taste of not being able to feel other emotions than sadness, desolation, isolation, frustration, and everything seemed dark around me- was not something that I ever wanted to feel again, to be honest. I couldn't laugh or smile, or even enjoy the slightest thing. I only cried. 

This might sound dramatic, but now that I'm out of that box, I think I am finally able to understand why someone can choose an extreme way out and I can say that it has nothing to do with either you're a religious person or not. It's that extreme fear that you're trying to get away from and anything else seemed like a better option, a way out compared to that fear.

And it's not that I didn't want to reach out or talk to someone... I had a lot of people whom I trust around me at that time- my mom, my closest cousin, my closest friends. I just didn't know how to reach out, what to say and how to express it... and the worst part was, I knew how to put an act like everything was okay.

A stressor may seem trivial to one person, but a similar situation may give a totally different effect on another and they may struggle differently too. I guess in those moments, even though some time alone would be good, it's important to check on them and don't leave them be too long on their own. 

It's true that different people cope differently but I believe it's also helpful to express the troubles and not bottle everything up even though you feel like you know what's going on and you think that you've got this in your hands.

Trust me, I listed down the problems one by one, where the roots were, what the triggers were and I even listed what I've tried to overcome the fears, doubts, and worries. And let me tell you it included prayers, short retreat with my family and I even forced myself to join the group exercise just to get those endorphins going.

But Alhamdulillah, God sent me an unexpected friend whom I ended up opened up to, and perhaps hearing myself out loud and admitting them to someone did make some difference.

I am thankful that today I am able to wake up without that heavy feeling and finally able to enjoy life and able to function. And yesterday was the day I woke up and felt... almost normal, and I'm almost back to my old self.

Saying this, my self-esteem issues not yet resolved, but I'm working on it insyaAllah

This is just a reminder to myself, to be kinder to myself and other people next time I see them struggling with life... and not to judge too fast... You never know what's going on in their life...

Panda Run! I mean, Panda Rolls

 So yesterday I had my first fun run; after days being "badgered" by a colleague to do so (and she succeeded in pulling not only me, but another friend as well) I repeatedly said to them I can't run (which was true) and we would only walk. And since we're all on the same page, that was really the agreement.

Until I kinda.... walked slightly faster than them (>.<)
To be honest, I kinda surprised myself- at the little stamina that I had to sustain short run and fast-pace walk, and at how much I enjoyed it. Maybe those hours at the gym helped. Maybe my sister's advice on "try to go as fast as you can without compromising your breathing pattern". Maybe putting on upbeat songs while walking/jogging/running helped.

//Us, before starting

//And we finished!

//See how cute the finisher medal is!

So after run, we makan la kan? XD

Anyway, now entering 2nd year, we have a bit more time over the weekends if not doing on-calls. Supposedly that time is filled with studying, yeah I know... but one thing lead to another, we have yet to restart the engine of the study group. Past 2 semesters, we used the time after work to sit down and discuss questions, but now even after office hours we're still seeing referrals so there need for a dedicated time over the weekends for group discussion.

But 3rd sem is approaching the end fast and we're still yet to start the engine... Being into rotations with minimal people is also not helping. Ilham and I were having hard time adjusting to it; it's slightly better now but we're still agitated receiving referrals.

And I've added an extra activity into my already busy schedule- trying to keep up with 150 mins per week of physical activities. I guess there was a reason why I got into Endocrine as my first rotation this sem- giving advises like "cut down your sugar" and "you have to exercise at least 150 minutes per week, activities that make your heart rate goes up and you to sweat" are only believable when you're doing it yourself. At least now I can look into my patients' eyes and say these mantra without feeling guilt.

Working out for me also means venting out all those frustration and pent-up anger etc. You kinda literally feels lighter and satisfied after a good session, thanks to the endorpins and dopamine released. I think I have a better sleep and better energy at work too.

And those days I go to the gym, those are my happy-pill days because I got to spend time with my cousins! 

//Ok, this was when we went out for dinner, but these 2 girls are part of my support system for a long time :)

Now that I steadily scheduled exercise into my routine, the question is, how to fit in studying into the equation? Questioning myself this means that I'm entering a panic mode. Exam is only 3 semester down the road. (>,<)

Sticky Note 1-2018 : Madrasah Ramadhan (1)

//Sticky Note:

I am still somewhat green in this field, still learning the ropes and steps but sometimes when you’re working in this field, in general medicine especially, you’re sort of "immune" when you’re dealing with dying patients / death. Automatically there’s this invisible, protective barrier surrounding you, devoid of any emotions so that you can manage your next patient without having the recurrent thoughts of that particular patient looping in your mind.

I still remember the first time I encountered a patient that we (the team) issued “DNR” (read: not for active resuscitation, for best supportive care) in my second posting as a House Officer, I was shaken and I almost cried (read here). At the time, I kept asking myself if I did the right thing.
Nowadays, issuing DNR when indicated (i.e. when we postulate that the prognosis is poor) is something that is not as hard as before.

But my first referral in Resus during on-call last Monday, I lingered around longer than expected, trying to make sure the patient and family knows what was happening, what was bound to happen and how we planned to deal with it. A young gentleman with terminal metastatic cancer and we know that nothing much we can offer except for comfort care; to counsel him while he was still awake and aware, something struck my core.

He’s not much older than me, and he’s probably at the end of his life. I wonder how it feels to be in his shoes; not being able to do much and depending on others to care for him, with shortness of breathand his bloods showing multiple organ impairments… when I was counselling his sister, I myself almost tear up.

Another recent young death, Mr Ali Banat, also resonated in similar way- a young gentleman who passed away recently due to cancer, being able to contribute up to his last breath. These people were given chance by Allah, to prepare before they breathe their last breath.

But what about us?
Have we atone enough?
Have we seek for forgiveness from The Creator and other mankind whom we’ve wronged previously?
Have we settled all our debts?
Have we save enough merits for the hereafter?

“Ya Allah, iftah ‘alayya”

#prayforeastcoast (It Was a Humbling Experience)

I am perhaps not the best person to tell the tale of our short journey to Kuala Krai. But I hope it will paint a little picture of what we've seen with our own eyes of what the people there had to go through and are still going through even until today.

It started of with an intention (niat) to lend a little hand to those in Kelantan. Past years, we travelled as medical students, now we pray we can contribute a little more.
December 28th, 2014: Initially I intended to join IMARET on a later dates, as I still had a couple of oncall earlier in the month (January), and a CME presentation. But Allah has made an easy path for me to join the HPJ Flood Aid Team 1 in Kuala Krai (even though we were initially put under Team 2).

On Monday the 29th, at noon Shahril and I got a phone call from CPRC, instructing us to get ready to board a helicopter straight to Kuala Krai.

At 5.20 pm, we reached Kuala Krai, the heli dropped us off at an area near the Pejabat Tanah and we were picked up by an ambulance to the hospital. With us was an Anaest from KB, joining the hospital aid. That evening, were reported to the Hospital and subsequently to Team 1 commandant, Dr Norliza, ED Physician. We joined the campsite that Team 1 had set up in the cafeteria area; since the electricity was still gone, during night we were accompanied by the light from the generator.

Team 1 which consist of MOs, Staff Nurses, Male nurses, Medical Assistants and drivers, had been further divided into 3 sub-teams; each would rotate for different tasks each day. That night was the start of my official job in HKK. Shahril and I were then placed under the HPJ team- we covered both Outpatient Department (OPD, a la Green Zone in ED) and mobile team during the day and we mended the Green Zone at night until 12 a.m. Team 1 also brought along with them portable gas stove, generator, tents, food/water, medical equipments and medicines.

December 29th 2014; we lived with water from the rain, electricity from the generator and one wondered how tomorrow was going to be.

Initially we sent out 1 mobile team and the rest of two teams to mend the OPD. We reported to Pejabat Tanah the next day; since there are also mobile teams under Health side/PKD and NGOs, we were given a list of areas to cover in the hope that all teams are fully optimized to cover all possible areas affected. We were informed, that day was the first day that many roads were finally accessible. Our coverage areas were until Laloh (read: Lak-loh) and pit stops were mainly the Flood Relief Centres at different villages. We couldn't go to Kg. Pemberian on that day, was informed by the villagers that even by boat, the current was still too strong and we had no life jackets. We managed to go as far as Lata Rek, but had to go back to HKK to bring a patient back to ED due to right heart failure symptoms.

The next day I was in OPD, while the other team continued the mobile clinic and few members including Boss went to KK Mengkebang (read: Me-ke-be). With new information and new arrangement, we were able to send out 2 mobile teams out from that day onwards. Subsequently the mobile team was also able to cover Kg. Pemberian, their journey included walking in the mud and riding the boat to reach the affected area. I will let the pictures tell instead...

Only Celcom line (and occassionally Digi) worked during first week we were there. So when RTM came with satelite to cover the news of PM's visit in HKK, I called Dad to update of our status there. The next day, our Datuk Pengarah HPJ arrived bringing in more food and water supply. We still need to ration our water used since there was limited clean water supply. By 1st January, electricity has been restored in the main building.

On Day 5, while were were out on mobile clinic in Slow Mengkuang, we had to turn back to KK Manik Urai to ask them to send a 4 month old baby with tachypnoea and ronchi as we were planning to continue with our task. Thankfully we found the Army Field Hospital instead and I was overwhelmed at the scale of aid that was provided in the field. Before, during medical school, we learned and had disaster stimulation with field hospital, today, I was seeing one in front of my eyes; it was just amazing, the services they provided!

Throughout the mobile clinic journey, on our left and right we saw more and more teams, NGOs and individuals bringing aid- food, water, clothes, blankets, you named it. This might be my first on-the-field mission but scale of aid that come was just overwhelming, the sincerity was palpable...

Most of the cases we've seen during mobile clinic included URTI, cough and cold, skin and fungal infections, musculoskeletal pain and those whose medicines ran out or was gone in the flood. In OPD, there were more serious cases of cellulitis, infected would, alleged nail prick and those who ran out of medicine as well. One night, one whole family came after almost a week of different complaints due to the fact that they were unable to seek out medical treatments.
Having left ED posting a year ago, I am most thankful to Aswad and Faisal for patiently entertaining my questions in cases that I was unsure of. I am most thankful to those MAs and nurses from HKL who came to cover Green Zone at night for their efficiency in helping us seeing patients smoothly. They were not just another staffs, they were our companions, exchanging experiences and stories during the time when there were no patients around (which was scarce, I tell you). HKK staff were also most helpful in aiding us referring cases and in various procedures. I saw the same MOs working day and night and continued on the next day as though there was nothing going on. I am most amazed by their work ethic, despite the fact that fatigue started showing on their faces. We also started to see some of our staffs having cough and cold and yet keep on putting cheerful expression and good motivation to go on.

So imagine, if we who have just arrived for a few days started to feel the effect of the disaster, what more of those who have been there for days longer than us, and those who are still out there mending their homes.
Despite that, while were were on mobile clinic, the villagers still invited us for some food and offered us ride to waterfall in Lata Berangin.

January 4th 2015: We were given clearance to go back after 9 days (7 for me and Shahril). There were a few SOPs that was needed prior to head back. As we said goodbye to the remaining staff, I kept on thinking, the little hands that we lend, perhaps didn't bring much impact... But we pray that at least we shared a little of their burden. Some of us might be glad that we were going home soon, we missed our family (and perhaps our comfort zone), but to be honest, I felt sad leaving the people of Kuala Krai; there are still more to be done, physically and emotionally...

Now is the time where as much help is needed for them to rebuild their home and their lives. Some of them left with only 'sehelai sepinggang', houses, everything all gone. With the upcoming school session starting, there are still so much to be done. Recovery phase will take months or perhaps years. Aid will still be needed from every aspect.

What I've seen was only a glimpse of the whole picture. The chance that I had, I know many would want to join in the field as well. It doesn't matter which team you join- be it under KKM, Army, political clubs, NGOs or indiviuals; it doesn't matter how small your contributions are- be it medical aid, transportation aid, food/necessity aid, water supply/cleaning aid, money etc. it still matters.
It's okay if we were not physically present in Kelantan, or Terengganu, or Pahang.
It's okay if you are financially constraint and you can only send in little amount, it still matters.

And if you feel that you want to help and yet you have no means to do so, there is still one thing you can do:

PRAY 

Pray for the people affected to have strength, pray for those who are giving aid to be strong, both physically and mentally... pray for their safety at all time.

Before our bus departed, Matron came and thanked me. As we hugged, she shed tears, asking for us to pray to give them strength...
We who came for a short while was going home, but them, that was their home, their land...

//Safely arrived home & short debriefing session//

I probably don’t have that kind of strength. At this point, every time I think about it, I feel helpless. And every time, I need to remind myself that He knows best and there will surely be hikmah behind all this. Every time, I had to remind myself of this ayah, Al-Baqarah (2: 286): God does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear: in his favour shall be whatever good he does, and against him whatever evil he does.

So let us not speculate on why the flood happen, or whose fault it was... when He said, Kun Fayakun, even the 'biggest' power/authority on Earth couldn't stop it. What we can do now is help the affected people to rebuild their home and prepare for the future should it happen again. This is where unity should happen instead of the blame-game, Allahulam...

This short journey, I can only sum it all up in one sentence:

IT WAS A HUMBLING EXPERIENCE.

-HPJ Flood Aid Team 1

Photo collage done with Fotor and Picture Collage

Saturday Muse: Thankful

Our clinic session finished up very late a few days ago. By PM, I was half-anticipating the patients on my cue who had to wait 4-6 hours before their turn to barge in and complain when it was their turn. Instead, they asked me "Doktor dah makan?", while glancing at the clock I saw it was already 3 PM and answered no, I was very much thankful and relieved that they didn't make too much of a fuss about the waiting time. 

In fact, I felt rather grateful for them showing their concern, and felt more compel to sort out their issues quickly.

We do apologize for the long wait but it was not something that we chose to do on purpose. 

Really, thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts, for being understanding

Mengejar Lailatul Qadar

Night.
22 Ramadhan 1413.

Where are we now?
What have we achieve?
Are we chasing 'the night better than 1000 months'?
Or are we still at the same spot when we enter madrasah Ramadhan?
Or are we still the same person prior to this holy month?
Have we changed?

This is a reminder,
especially for yours truly.
Wallahu'alam bissawab.

Monochrome

ˈmänəˌkrōm (n.) A photograph or picture developed or executed in black and white or in varying tones of only one color

People have weakness. I have them too. Everyday I'm learning. Everyone does, consciously or unconsciously. Given, sometimes mistakes are made. We are not perfect. I mean, to err is human, no?

Personally, I don't like talking bad about other people; mainly because of the negative emotions attached to it. If I happen to listen to it, I'd rather keep my mouth shut than joining to 'pour oil to the flame'. Of course, hoping that in return people won't talk bad things about you behind your back is a little too hopeful, I guess. People talk and you can't stop them *shrugs*

Somehow, I find that in each posting I go through, there's always a 'theme', depending on my own feelings towards the specialty and my surrounding. Somehow, for me A&E is a place where 'fear and anxiety meets excitement'. I have mixed feelings with this specialty- most of the time because of the unknown, 'raw from scratch' or fresh cases that we receive everyday and wondering what kind of people will we meet today- patient-wise as well as colleague-wise.

I find this time around, the longer I am here, the more I find myself not knowing things.
How little my knowledge is.... that's how I feel almost everyday.

Despite that, of course, you will try your best to do what you can at that point, and as fast as you can. So give and take, I know I'd make mistakes somewhere.

However, I'd appreciate it very much if mistakes were done, I'd be told straight to my face- correction, constructive criticism, or even if you want to scold me, if it is my mistake, I'd accept it.
What I do not appreciate is talking about it behind my back and never correct me, thank you.

I think everyone feels the same. What do you gain from doing that anyway? Isn't it more negativism in your heart?

Allahu'alam.

On the other note, it's nearing Ramadhan. I think it's not too early to wish everyone Ramadhan Kareem!

--------------------------------------------------------
言葉少なに重なる足跡が　モノクロの世界で踊る
めんどくさい駆け引きは　もうここらへんでヤメてそばに来たらいいさ
Our few words overlap with the sounds of footsteps　They dance in a monochrome world
How about you give those bothersome tactics a rest and come by my side?
[Monokuro (モノクロ)- from Single Endless Game by Arashi]

Letter To Myself

Dear Me,
This is just a little reminder for us...

I am still taking baby-steps in the working field; even more baby-steps in the medical fraternity. Sometimes when you are going through minor bumps while working, some hurdles to get through and during tough times, you would forget why you chose this line in the first place.

What started as an interest in medical turned into something much more meaningful as I went through student life. Choosing to work in this field is no longer just because I’m interested in medical line, but rather to find His blessings and to work as His tool on Earth. And because as time we learned new things and go through different things, every day I remind myself for what am I working today?

If the answer is because of God Almighty, no matter how tough the day goes, insyaAllah, things somehow are easier. There will be small joy somewhere and you go home with satisfaction and you work with lighter heart. Online, sometimes I come across links that I thought would be interesting read or videos to watch. Today I re-open the links and was brought to this page: "Accepting Fate"

 It somehow left me deep impression and without realizing it, tears flowed.

Whatever challenges that I thought I had gone through, the tests that Allah gave this chap was heavier. Whatever hurdles and bumps that I stumbled upon seemed nothing compared to his. I can’t describe how fortunate we are to be able to work in our chosen field; and I’m ashamed to admit that even with that sometimes I have a lot of complaints.

Reading an overview of this young lad’s journey made me humble, really really humble. I am living some of my dreams, it would shameful if me as healthy as I am not putting my all towards my work and my life, not using every second towards something beneficial for myself and others and for my share in the hereafter. How fortunate are we to be given good health and time?

It is true that you appreciate life more when you remember death.

How can I spread the little message towards those in similar journey as mine to treasure what we have, work as best as we can to find God’s blessing and stop complaining and finding excuses?
How can I send the little message for us to be thankful everyday and to be positive and optimist in whatever situation that befalls us?
How can we remind each other of this everyday?

Sincerely,
Me.