Filler 2: Permission to-

Settling into the new place, environment, and working routine,
This will probably take some time.

In a way, it's perhaps physically slightly less taxing;
But in terms of the weight of the responsibility, and mentally, it's more and heavier.

First active general medicine on call as a physician, okay not so bad...
First passive covid on-call, so far still okay.

If there's anything that resurfaces from my ever-so-existing weakness,
It's my own insecurities and sense of incompetency and feeling unsure about everything
This, I need to "fix" it myself, and I need to improve.
This, I know will take longer than expected.

But for someone who has trouble adapting to new places,
I probably purposely jeopardize my own sanity by choosing to be deployed for the pandemic mobilization, not knowing where I'd be placed when I signed up for it...
And now they assigned me to a whole new place, I'm wondering if I'm pushing myself beyond what I can chew and if I just like to get myself into troubles.... -.-;;
Perhaps I should have just sat quietly here to adapt and get used to the new environment D=

Let's see what will happen in the next 6 weeks...

Epilogue: The Beginning

This is just yet a prologue for the next chapter of life.
Completing MMed meaning a new role, new job scope(s) & extended responsibilities.

Peeking into the next chapter already

You know how I am with commitment.
So taking this new step is... nerve-wracking.
The effect has not yet made itself known because, amidst the pandemic, this role perhaps is paused to concentrate on the worsening situation of Covid-19.

The past 6 months have been anything but a new learning experience- admin work, coaching/leader-role, clinical work, managing covid, thesis writing, data analysis and thesis defense and balancing a whole bunch of responsibilities, handling different kinds of stress and stress level and the list go on. However, it's probably just a teaser of what's coming in the next phase. Being here for the past 4 years was.... a sheltered life. And stepping out, I don't know what's waiting... only endless possibilities and vast scenery of anything and nothingness ahead.

There's so much to say and so many things running in my mind. The different chaos happening at the same time frustrates a lot of people at so many different levels and the different reactions as the result of this could be so mind-boggling that it didn't make sense and you wonder if we have learned anything at all entering 2nd year of the pandemic.

10 years ago, it didn't even cross my mind that we'll be at the stage where we are now. 10 years ago I was beaming with the hope that one day I will walk a pathway of becoming a medical officer and maybe working my way to becoming a specialist. In what, I didn't know yet back then- maybe internal medicine, maybe psychiatry, maybe emergency medicine. But never did I imagine us living in an era of a deadly pandemic that's taking the lives of so many people. Heck, it didn't even cross my mind living like this 4 years ago- back then I put on hold almost everything I love (including traveling and volunteering work) with the hope that I would complete my studies on time and then planned to travel right after the last part of the exam to celebrate (kononnye), never did I imagine being stuck here and not being able to not just travel, but even our movement outside is restricted!

Just like that the table turned at the end of 2019 and continued to do so up till today. Until when? Only God knows.

So yes, the different reactions as the consequences of these life events that's been happening is.... kinda expected. But surely.... surely it's also an eye-opener to a lot of things, no?

Heated discussion there... XP

The silence I carry is not because I do not care.
But rather a continuous observation from inside and outside the box
Because saying something, forwarding something, and writing something carry some amount of responsibility. You're accountable for every word that you utter- it can be the truth, or it can be misleading information, so you decide which one you want to be- the spreader of truth, or the spreader or lies (although perhaps to you it's "presumed" truth) 

If you don't know and unsure, please seek the truth by asking the experts and reading from the correct, credible sources.
If you don't have anything nice to say, hold your tongue and check your fingers before typing nasty & filthy comments.
And if you don't agree with a certain opinion, just stop there but don't spread lies and misinformation.

It hasn't been a beautiful year.
Every day looks gloomy and we're at our wit's end and ready to collapse 
We may even wonder why things happened the way they are?

Perhaps there is a different path and future for each of us

Perhaps there will never be an answer
Perhaps we will only find the answers 10, 20, 50 or perhaps 100 years down the line
Perhaps it's a preparation for something bigger
Perhaps it's a reminder for the future
Perhaps it's to unravel hidden things and the ugly truths
Perhaps it's to highlight certain hidden issues
Perhaps it's a consequence of our OWN actions and words
Nobody knows...

Nobody knows.

Nobody but Allah.
Wallahualam bissawab

So I'm closing this chapter with a blank canvas for the next chapter.

Turn the page, Wani

Your new chapter is coming soon.

~*~

Pin: The Sprint, The Battle & The Truth

Enter: the last 10 nights of Ramadhan,
Key aim: gain as much as possible, re-connect, lots and tonnes of dua, the sprint

Enter: the last 48 hours before part 3 viva- the thesis defence
Key aim: survive that grueling 45-minute presenting and grilling, the battle

Enter: the last month of the masters programme
Key aim(s): finish this programme swiftly, pass over my unofficial job(s), ensure some systems are in place for the next batch to continue to manage covid cases smoothly, take a little of a break, and settle pending personal plans that I've been postponing, the sprint

Enter: Less than a month before deciding where to gazette
Key aim: Will depend on what's the next step and what's in line for me, the unknown

Enter: To be honest, at this rate- the impending coming wave
Key aim: Bracing mentally (and perhaps for the whole frontliners as well) and physically
Shortfall(s): Tired. It's been more than a year without a break. Critical care units that are always full... the struggle for optimum care- only those involved know. To be honest, we don't even have the energy to argue with those who don't believe; so pray it doesn't befall unto your loved ones.
Counter-act(s): I have to remind myself this every time- find small wins, small gratitudes and make a lot of sincere dua

#SnowFlower

Dear me,

To be honest, I thought 2020 was hard

It's only been a month and 10 days into 2021, and I don't know how many times I've already broken down in tears under the pressure, felt like I just wanted to end it and in the end, I hate the person I've become nowadays- the short-tempered, sarcastic & emotional labile walking human being. I'm not the nicest person walking around, and even I don't like myself.

You may call it self-destructive thoughts I'm having, but that's the reality.

I probably am not as resilient and as strong as I thought I would be.

So we may need to have a little bit of change in our game plan, yeah.

Give me some time.
I want to see how much I can bend under this pressure. 

"The whole world is full of white flowers

Make our atmosphere deeper

Under a stopped street lamp

May the flowers fall on your bright smile"

Snow Flower by BTS V (feat. Peakboy)

2021 : Unplug

I haven’t been able to write in my blog for a while.

Believe it or not, a lot has happened in the last 17 days.

2020 for me closed with one of the most memorable events- "This is 嵐 Live"; real-time fangirling over the online Arashi concert, crying over the last hours and minutes, being amazed at their performances, and feeling a lot of gratitude for these 5 guys whom I’ve known since 2008 and has taught me a lot about life principles, work ethics and friendships.

Kicked off 2021 with a good workout with Les Mills Bodypump and continued with RPM but had to run to the hospital halfway through to help with the Covid team. I thought I wanted to do things at "my pace" this year, but that prolly turn out to be a bit difficult.

And work continues till now, with new instruction and rearrangement every so often and troubleshooting while working out solutions are almost like second nature.

Almost at the cost (or perhaps already is) my daily ward work and thesis progress. Which worries me the most at the back of my mind.
And it almost, if not already affect me physically and mentally.

On another note, again this pandemic has unmasked and unveiled the uglier shade and truth behind a person's angelic face and persona- which is maybe a good thing so we can identify them and be more careful when dealing with them.

Unplug. Looking at things from a different perspective. 

Hence I have decided to unplug from most soc-med platforms, unplug from things that don't matter and decide to listen more, turn worries and anxiety into gratitude, take a different approach by trying to see things from different perspectives, and work on problem-solving & coaching rather than being a trouble maker and a complainer.

They are not easy tasks... but let's see how the coming days unfold and how they can help me grow.

Like rainfall over the flowers in spring, I'm waiting for spring day to come.

#SweetNight

If you don't have anything nice to say,
Say nothing at all.

Just observe,
wait and watch,
hold your tongue from commenting,
pause your hand from typing,
and just observe, let the world takes its course

Maybe,
just maybe,
for once you will see the world unfold itself,
and you'll see the beauty of silence,
the meaning of being quiet,
and let the positivity calm your crude remarks

If you don't have anything nice to say,
say nothing at all
and let the sweet night course through silently

And maybe for once,
you'll be able to reflect upon yourself

*This is mainly a reminder for myself
And has nothing to do with Sweet Night by V
Although..... I love the song to death XP

30 more days to exams and counting
Yup, we're entering that panic mode already >.<

One Step

Took this picture to remind me in the future of my first Reg call- the 6th call
The first on-call wasn't so bad, the second one I could only catch an hour of sleep
Feels like quite some time ago, the no-sleep on-call ^.^;

So the first step was taken,
Survived it, thank goodness. But my first MROC, weekend call to top it off, will come next week- am guessing another bout of palpitation will come sometime within 48 hours prior to that on call.... ^.^;
It sounds like I'm putting on a big drama, doesn't it?
But for a commitment-phobic like me, yeah, it feels like a big deal

A great teacher left us these words during our final year,
Toughen up during housemanship; even when you're tired or completely knocked down, just don't complain. Do your best, make sure to give it all you've got in these 2 years. Don't be calculative (exact words were 'jangan berkira sangat') with your colleagues, cover for them, have good teamwork!

That was sort of a mantra, and a frequent reminder when I was a house officer
Now even after that phase has passed, the whole message still stands, no matter which level you're at, you do need to toughen up, don't be calculative, have good teamwork... and this insyaAllah will ease your journey.
May Allah bless her caring soul...

Throwback: Face Down (2012)

Crossroads

Excuse me while I contemplate on life
At this age, I’m kind of ashamed that I still go through this kind of struggle
But,
Watch me grow
Walk with me
Watch me break through my struggles
In the hope of becoming a better person
One who can contribute to humanity, life, and my deen
InsyaAllah

Life is about making choices

From the smallest, trivial ones you have to make on a daily basis

To the important or life-changing decisions

I made my decision 

There’s no doubt that I want to progress and make that jump one day

I have made up my mind the moment I applied for Masters

I knew this day would come

But I’m still too scared to take that jump, to hold that title, to carry that responsibility

They said “with big role comes big responsibility”

Recently Sakurai Sho (of Arashi) said “with freedom comes a big responsibility”

I’m surprised at his statement, but I can understand from where he’s coming from;

You are given the freedom to make your own choices

You have to take accountability of the choices that you made

And you follow through

And you do your best to uphold that responsibility

Because in the end, it will come back to you

Some outcomes are measurable

But some aren’t so easy to measure

Your life satisfaction for example

Are you happy with the choices that you made?

I have made my choices

And I’m walking through these decisions,

Amidst my ongoing struggle to break through from my inferiority complex and my introvert personality

Yet, it still doesn’t hold back the fears that I’m having

I still feel incompetent

I still feel like I’m doing mistakes,

I still feel like other people are unsatisfied with me

Then I become more and more scared

I’m becoming angrier and angrier

I’m always in a bad mood these past few days

And I’m upset with myself most of the time

And finally I broke down

And I prayed,

Then it felt slightly better

The weight on my shoulder became just slightly bearable

And that palpitation calmed down a bit

And that anxiety simmered down a little bit

And I can breathe slightly better

At this juncture, there’s no more turning back

I should just hold my head high and face it forward

And hope to be more confident

And pray I make the best choices

The first step is usually the hardest one to take

And I’m sure I’ll be facing more and more hurdles as time goes by

So I might just as well bite it and give my best

And pray everything will come out alright

Tawakkal...

Ya Allah Ya Fattah… Iftah Alaiyah….


Please excuse me while I contemplate on life

[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]

새로운 시작은 늘 설레게 하지

모든 걸 이겨낼 것처럼---

내가 지쳐 쓰러질 때까진

어떤 이유도

어떤 변명도

지금 내겐 용기가 필요해---

It's always exciting to start over

Like you're gonna get through everything---

Let's start from now

Whatever the reason,

whatever the excuse

I need courage right now---

[ 시작 by Gaho (Itaewon Class OST)]

credits : https://lyricstranslate.com

 

//Trying to concentrate in Epilepsy Made Easy online course. Felt so long ago I joined a full-day course... The new norm, teachings are done online, social distancing is priority to break the infection....

When I joined MMed programme for Internal Medicine, Year 4 seemed so far away... The registrars at that time were very impressive, detailed, and confident. I wondered if I would be able to get to that stage one day.

That was in mid-2017.

3 years have passed, it's 2020 now. A lot has happened; we're still in the midst of pandemic and living in a new norm.

At the end of our second last posting, in the feedback session, I realized I still haven't overcome one weakness of mine that has plagued me for as long as I remember. I knew at that time I said to myself, give me a little bit of time, I'll overcome it.

Then we had the exam in February, where the self-confidence just plummetted further realizing I still don't know much... I take it as a miracle that I passed the theory paper. Clinical exam however is postponed due to COVID-19.

Now we are progressing into the new semester, some of us suddenly upgraded to being (pseudo)-Registrars of the ward. That title alone gives me chills and puts a heavy burden on my shoulders. 

They say "with big roles, come big responsibilities."

And I realized it's mainly because I still haven't overcome my (ultimate) weakness: Self-Confidence.

which I don't have.... Self-doubt? I have that, a lot. But the confidence to carry this responsibility as a Registrar, and when we passed, Specialist... I wonder why does it still sound like a far distance goal, something that is out of my reach when it's near?

"The more you learn, the more you don't know"

Yes, we hear that a lot too... and I know this, experiencing it and I still feel like I still have a lot to learn... I still feel like I'm taking small steps and I'm still new to this field. And that scares me.

I guess it's because to have that confidence, you have to know your facts... and facts are something that I don't think I have enough. Yes, you can say all the more reason to learn in MMed... I am trying... But I still don't find it enough... 

And that thought is running through a never-ending loop in my mind, feeding further to the self-doubt that is already peaking inside me... it's like a repeated cycle, an obsessive thought that's running in the background.

I have some real issues here...

...

So maybe.... maybe this break that we unexpectedly received before the second part of the exam is the break that I need to sort out these issues. 

Time to reflect and find solutions. Time to build something.

Time to get used to be in this position and to take a step further...

I have a feeling that I'll be jotting down a lot more entries than expected this year, leaving more footprints, taking it one step at a time. So remember these, Wani :

Try to take a step forward on your own, utter "Ganbatte!"--

まずは自分で踏み出してみて

「頑張れ」そんな安いヤツでいい---

First, try to take a step forward on your own

"Do your best"　Such a simple phrase is fine---

[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]

credits: https://yarukizero.livejournal.com/40047.html

P/S- I love love LOVE the drama Itaewon Class! The development of the storyline & characters, the OSTs, the casts; everything!

Related post : Reflection : One Step - my first entry entering Masters

A.Pause.

Dear World,

فَاِنَّ مَعَ الۡعُسۡرِ يُسۡرًا ۙ‏

 اِنَّ مَعَ الۡعُسۡرِ يُسۡرًا ؕ‏

Indeed, there is ease with hardship.

Most certainly, there is ease with hardship

 Surah Al-Insyirah (94:5-6)

Sticky Note 1-2018 : Madrasah Ramadhan (1)

//Sticky Note:

I am still somewhat green in this field, still learning the ropes and steps but sometimes when you’re working in this field, in general medicine especially, you’re sort of "immune" when you’re dealing with dying patients / death. Automatically there’s this invisible, protective barrier surrounding you, devoid of any emotions so that you can manage your next patient without having the recurrent thoughts of that particular patient looping in your mind.

I still remember the first time I encountered a patient that we (the team) issued “DNR” (read: not for active resuscitation, for best supportive care) in my second posting as a House Officer, I was shaken and I almost cried (read here). At the time, I kept asking myself if I did the right thing.
Nowadays, issuing DNR when indicated (i.e. when we postulate that the prognosis is poor) is something that is not as hard as before.

But my first referral in Resus during on-call last Monday, I lingered around longer than expected, trying to make sure the patient and family knows what was happening, what was bound to happen and how we planned to deal with it. A young gentleman with terminal metastatic cancer and we know that nothing much we can offer except for comfort care; to counsel him while he was still awake and aware, something struck my core.

He’s not much older than me, and he’s probably at the end of his life. I wonder how it feels to be in his shoes; not being able to do much and depending on others to care for him, with shortness of breathand his bloods showing multiple organ impairments… when I was counselling his sister, I myself almost tear up.

Another recent young death, Mr Ali Banat, also resonated in similar way- a young gentleman who passed away recently due to cancer, being able to contribute up to his last breath. These people were given chance by Allah, to prepare before they breathe their last breath.

But what about us?
Have we atone enough?
Have we seek for forgiveness from The Creator and other mankind whom we’ve wronged previously?
Have we settled all our debts?
Have we save enough merits for the hereafter?

“Ya Allah, iftah ‘alayya”

Sky Blue

...Congratulations

幸せになってくれなきゃ困るぜ (Baby)

素晴らしい未来へ　愛を叫べ

...Congratulations

You've just gotta become happy, (Baby)

Shout this love to a wonderful future

愛を叫べ (Ai wo Sakebe), Arashi

(because One Love for wedding theme is overrated IMO... haha!)

I scrolled my journal and to my horror, there were only TWO entries for this year? O.o 

The lack of posts means either I'm under much stress that I couldn't even be bothered to write anything (because essentially writing is how I vent out previously), or I found better ways to de-stress. 

Or, I do no more traveling for whatever reasons. =( My last trip was to Korea last May and I foresee that there will probably be no more traveling next... 1 year. Or more. 

Anyway, it may be the combinations of all three factors mentioned above.

However, since today is a special day, I'll jot something here to bookmark the day.

//Arashians' gathering on Ija's wedding
.Picture courtesy of Annys and Zura.

Sometimes weddings are the only time and place to catch up with your friends, especially now when everyone's working different jobs and places and have different priorities etc. I haven't met these girls in ages!

//Zeti also matched our blue-coloured unoffical theme XD

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS to Ija and husband. May your life filled with barakah and happy memories, insyaAllah.

It's a bit difficult to explain how Ija and I knew each other, but it's also the (only) same answer I have if people asked how I knew the girls in the first picture- Arashi. And like the F4's, it started from Arashi Forum (which is no longer exist I must say)- so that dated back in.... 2009 - 2010... ? (because korek2 LJ, earliest mention of Ija was her birthday shoutout back in 2010).
Anyway, from fandom to lepak-ing buddies to coffee-mate after work and occassional trips / sleepovers domestically and overseas (Japan and Singapore je pon), I think Ija is one of the few who actually had witnessed my bimbo-moments, especially during driving -.-;
I guess now she doesn't have to see that anymore XD

After I've transferred to KL and started working in Putrajaya, I commuted by train and later we found the easiest way to catch up was at dinner and coffee after work, since she's also traveling via train. And since then, our regular catch-up / shopping / coffee session has became one of my ways of de-stressing (aka ranting) and keeping my sanity in check.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for spending your time listening to my work-rant and about life in general, Ija =) The frequency to catch up probably won't be as many as before but I do hope that this friendship will last.

//F4 (missing Aimee) and Ijaji

//We need to fix a date for another of F4 meet up!

It was a good chance to catch up with Ai and Jules too; a tad short for Ai but Jules and I had coffee before going home and talked some more; yeah, that's the separation anxiety peeking up XP

//Also, thanks for the surprise! Ape la pulak pengantin bagi surprise present ni? XD

One Step

またひとつ夜が明けて　誰の胸にも眩しい光が　差し込めば
過ぎた日を思うより　新しい何か見つけたくて　歩いた

持ち合わせの言葉じゃ　育てた気持ち伝えること　出来ずに
不器用と言われても　自分に嘘をつけないから　顔上げた

涙を隠して　笑顔見せた
今も聞こえてくる　あの日のままの思いが

雨が上がり　また歩き出す　昨日と少し　違う気持ちで
Hey　全てに意味があるさ

Another dawn has come　When the bright light shines into someone's heart
Rather than thinking of the days long past, they'll want to find something new and walk forward

The words you have on hand weren't enough to describe the emotions that'd been growing inside
But though you might be told you're awkward, because you can't lie to yourself, you raised your head

Hiding my tears, I showed a smile
I can still hear the feelings from those days talking to me

The rain stops and we start walking again, feeling slightly different than yesterday
Hey　Everything has a meaning

One Step [The Digitalian, 2014], 嵐 Arashi

//The right watch was a birthday present my sister gave when I was in my first year of housemanship.

The watch on the left was a farewell gift from my previous department, which marked my new journey

One week plus
I'm still adapting. Changing places, new environment, new routine, new challenges... I'm never really good at quickly adapting, hence this may also take some time.
I still have palpitations going to work in the morning...
I still have worries when I go back home.
I still feel anxious knowing next few days would be my first day, my first weekend round, will be my first oncall and my first weekend call...
I still... have reservation towards everything and everyone at this point of time.

No matter if I've tried to prepare myself mentally for months, knowing it and actually facing it in reality are two different things.
This is yet another first step I'm taking
When you think that you've passed through one hurdle, another one seems higher and bigger.
When I was 16, I thought moving to Terengganu and changed school, left with no choice to take one particular subject I was trying to avoid was hard... It took me 6 months to adapt.
When I was 18, 1 month in Matriculation, living alone, making new friends despite the fact that I was introvert was hard... hence it was huge relief when I was accepted into pre-university foundation programme in Perth; the transition wasn't as difficult as it was in Matrics...
When I was 23 and had to repeat from Year 2 uni, I thought that was my biggest hurdle... it was, at that time that is. I didn't know there were more to come... towards end of our study years, our batch had some problems and it drove us past frustration but all was well afterwards and we finally were able to start work by August-September 2011

And there it was, at 27, working 300+ km away from home, I changed... became more reclusive, suddenly much less talking apart from at work to a point my housemates were worried about me. I was in a defence mechanism, which was actually part of my adaptation process. It was almost similar to when I was 16, when we moved to Terengganu. And it took me 6 months to finally being able to say "I'm comfortable working this job."

At 29/30, you think I've been accustomed to a new place, especially when it's closer to home... but nooooooo.... again, it took me more than 6 months to finally like my job, the new place and new environment.

So what makes me think that at this age, 33, it would be any different? Especially when it comes with heavier responsibilities with added title of a student?

I still have this penetrating cycle of thoughts that questioned my decision to take this path; of 'why did I choose a harder road?' 'why burden myself when there's an easier choice?' 'now you know why a lot of people quit this programme, right?' 'can you do it?' 'won't you quit already?' 'why did you have to go out of your comfort zone'.
Honestly, they are suffocating. And they make me nauseated, anxious and almost regret my decision.
Until I realize that's exactly what happened back when I first started working, comparing myself with my other friends whose had weekends and public holiday to rest and spend time with their families and I envy them... Hence I need to break that cycle of thoughts and find other ways of adapting.

I'm lucky that I still have my parents close with me and home to go back to as a place of solace. I'm fortunate my friends are around when I need them. Things may and will get harder from now on but I need to remind myself that لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا (Quran, 2:286)
InsyaAllah...

//These 2 were with me when we set off as houseman, and they came to distract me from work a few days ago

Footprint

It's only April and I had taken 4 MCs within 2 weeks O.o I was down some URTI and fever 3 weeks ago then it escalated into bad sore throat that rendered me voiceless, like literally no voice at all that I had to take MCs! I even consulted the ENT team and they did a quick scope and I've never felt more relieved knowing my vocal cord is normal! Yup, not only singers and teachers need their voices to work okay, I had to take MC because I just can't communicate with the patients and had to be on voice-rest :(

My voice is coming back slowly , it's not as raspy as previously but it's still not normal yet. The cough still persists though... and I suspect it will last for another month or so, just as previously. 

I finally watched Shigatsu Kimi no Uso (Your Lie in April) live action and I LOVE it! Came across the soundtrack and insert songs and stumbled upon Seven's Orange (2nd Ending song for the anime version) and I absolutely love love LOVE them all! I have a feeling that I'd be playing the songs on loop for the next few days :)

Apart from that, we had a reunion- my classmates when I was in Standard 6 in Primary School! That's like.... 21 years ago okay! Someone actually went through all the troubles to initiate the group and surprisingly we've gotten everyone except for this one guy (and to be honest, I have no recollection of him ^^; ). So we decided a meet-up is a must and Saturday night was supposed to be the first official reunion but more than half of the class couldn't make it, so next time we'll plan it during school holiday, I guess since quite a number are actually teachers and some are living outside Klang Valley area.

On the other note... this cousin of mine will be leaving for Hong Kong at the end of this month :(  She'll be outstation for the next 6 to 8 months and I'd loose one ear to listen to all my whining , cries and stories...

It will be tough years coming ahead, if I'm accepted into the Masters programme... and that means more time and energy time spent for work and studying, more stress coming, less break and holidays (there goes my periodical must-have-holiday T_T), less time to join missions and to be honest I need all the support I could get in next 4 years... This is even more nerve-wrecking than when I first started working okay

To be honest... I'm scared. I don't know if I'm mentally and physically prepared. Past months had been tough enough and I was overworked to a point of getting sick... I also think that part of it is I've gotten too complacent at my current place, so I'm so scared now to a point of wishing that I'd not make the list...

This will probably be among the places where I rant...

I'm oncall tomorrow.... and the precall blues have started *sighs*

(Untitled)

Everyday can be a learning lesson; if you choose to look at life from one point of view.
Sometimes the lesson is more significant than others;
Other day you'd be wondering if what you are doing is right.
And there lies the importance of daily self-reflection.

To be honest I haven't done that for quite some time.

Today a case made me pause and think,
"Why?" "Have we done enough?" "Did we miss anything?" "Have we done justice?"
Learning lesson for us in this field however,
may be a despair for someone else,
or elation or frustration or resignation...

Sunday Post

Haven't been writing entries for such a long time! My fingers itch to type something here... Originally I thought of posting entries about our adventure in Japan- my friends and I went there in April. However, the bulk of photos we took using my sister's camera were in a file that somehow got corrupted in my external drive. The whole file is worth of 10.5G of pictures and my sister is the only one with another copy and guess where is she right now? Yup, back in Sabah... and since she'll only be back at end of May, we have to wait until then before I post the entries, okay?

Although, to be honest, the entries are more for my future reference..... Hahaha... ^.^;

That aside, I'd like to congratulate a good friend of mine, for her engagement! I wouldn't exactly say, "Finally!". That's saved for a more special occasion =P But the (her) family gathering during the day was more like Raya celebration!

Many special thanks to my sister-in-law, Ras (IG) for helping us out with outrageously last minute request for the hand-bouquet! And she managed to use specifically requested flowers too, despite the long weekends (and the possibility that the flower shops were closed >.< )
Pssssttt! She takes orders too, so you can visit her instagram :-)

//Beautiful, ain't it? =D

And next! the Solemnization and Reception of this girl in pink below ;-) Looking forward for the event in early June \(^o^)/

And while we are at that (posting up pictures, because I deactivated my fb acc), Happy Belated Birthday, J! (my F4 sister from different parents!) Hope you like the surprise present =D
Let's plan for Japan trip together!

//Jules played along with my request of lepak-ing at 2 different places for coffee (though, we didn't have coffee at the later place) on my post-call day =P

**Sneak peak of upcoming entries:

~7 in Japan~
April 8th - 18th, 2015

Starring:

Ija (The mastermind)

Nik (Ija's colleague, The mastermind)

Wani (The tag-along)
Izzat (Ija's friend)

Zira (Wani's sis)

Zeze (Wani & Zira's friend)

Sham (Wani & Zira's friend)

Why 7 in Japan?
Because all 7 of us are from different backgrounds- haphazardly connected by work, Arashi, medicine, college & the need for a break.

Places of interest:

Tokyo
DisneySea
Hakone
Osaka
Universal Studio Japan
Takayama
Kyoto
Arashiyama
Nara

Warning:

There will be tonnes and tonnes of photo in the entries, some information of visited places, informal way of writing, flailing-for-some-reason, and probably things that don't make sense. You've been warned. 

Saturday Muse: Thankful

Our clinic session finished up very late a few days ago. By PM, I was half-anticipating the patients on my cue who had to wait 4-6 hours before their turn to barge in and complain when it was their turn. Instead, they asked me "Doktor dah makan?", while glancing at the clock I saw it was already 3 PM and answered no, I was very much thankful and relieved that they didn't make too much of a fuss about the waiting time. 

In fact, I felt rather grateful for them showing their concern, and felt more compel to sort out their issues quickly.

We do apologize for the long wait but it was not something that we chose to do on purpose. 

Really, thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts, for being understanding

Monochrome

ˈmänəˌkrōm (n.) A photograph or picture developed or executed in black and white or in varying tones of only one color

People have weakness. I have them too. Everyday I'm learning. Everyone does, consciously or unconsciously. Given, sometimes mistakes are made. We are not perfect. I mean, to err is human, no?

Personally, I don't like talking bad about other people; mainly because of the negative emotions attached to it. If I happen to listen to it, I'd rather keep my mouth shut than joining to 'pour oil to the flame'. Of course, hoping that in return people won't talk bad things about you behind your back is a little too hopeful, I guess. People talk and you can't stop them *shrugs*

Somehow, I find that in each posting I go through, there's always a 'theme', depending on my own feelings towards the specialty and my surrounding. Somehow, for me A&E is a place where 'fear and anxiety meets excitement'. I have mixed feelings with this specialty- most of the time because of the unknown, 'raw from scratch' or fresh cases that we receive everyday and wondering what kind of people will we meet today- patient-wise as well as colleague-wise.

I find this time around, the longer I am here, the more I find myself not knowing things.
How little my knowledge is.... that's how I feel almost everyday.

Despite that, of course, you will try your best to do what you can at that point, and as fast as you can. So give and take, I know I'd make mistakes somewhere.

However, I'd appreciate it very much if mistakes were done, I'd be told straight to my face- correction, constructive criticism, or even if you want to scold me, if it is my mistake, I'd accept it.
What I do not appreciate is talking about it behind my back and never correct me, thank you.

I think everyone feels the same. What do you gain from doing that anyway? Isn't it more negativism in your heart?

Allahu'alam.

On the other note, it's nearing Ramadhan. I think it's not too early to wish everyone Ramadhan Kareem!

--------------------------------------------------------
言葉少なに重なる足跡が　モノクロの世界で踊る
めんどくさい駆け引きは　もうここらへんでヤメてそばに来たらいいさ
Our few words overlap with the sounds of footsteps　They dance in a monochrome world
How about you give those bothersome tactics a rest and come by my side?
[Monokuro (モノクロ)- from Single Endless Game by Arashi]

Endless Game

The Not-so-Crazy Escapism 2013 #4: Home

(and good food plus good COFFEE)

Another 4 months and it will be exactly 2 years I'm in Batu Pahat, as a houseman. We've entered the final posting: Emergency and Trauma Department; a posting that I initially had palpitation (and perhaps still do from time to time) when I first received my logbook.

Time flies- when you enjoy what you are doing, has colleagues and friends who walk alongside you and encouraging and friendly environment to be in.

That said, of course there are ups and downs.

One of the ways I deal with pressure/stress is- no surprise- to go home.

Just to be in the familiar comfort of your surrounding and family, even for a day is good enough. And surprisingly, a walk-through crowded shopping mall somehow makes you feel like you have no other worries in your life.

Although stress isn't really the reason to come home this week- more of the intention of having lunch with old friend, some-kind of a half-cooked plan on my behalf. 

Deactivating my fb was perhaps one of the best thing I've done in my opinion for now but the downside is I kind of lost touch of what's happening with some friends. So the other option is to meet up =)

And I'm just glad that some things and some people just never change. Maybe we have, in many ways, but the old 'us' are still there. I long to meet the rest though... Although to be honest, I perhaps have not much update from my side... Haha...

Crazy Escapism perhaps will end up becoming "Short Trip Home" *sweats*

Letter To Myself

Dear Me,
This is just a little reminder for us...

I am still taking baby-steps in the working field; even more baby-steps in the medical fraternity. Sometimes when you are going through minor bumps while working, some hurdles to get through and during tough times, you would forget why you chose this line in the first place.

What started as an interest in medical turned into something much more meaningful as I went through student life. Choosing to work in this field is no longer just because I’m interested in medical line, but rather to find His blessings and to work as His tool on Earth. And because as time we learned new things and go through different things, every day I remind myself for what am I working today?

If the answer is because of God Almighty, no matter how tough the day goes, insyaAllah, things somehow are easier. There will be small joy somewhere and you go home with satisfaction and you work with lighter heart. Online, sometimes I come across links that I thought would be interesting read or videos to watch. Today I re-open the links and was brought to this page: "Accepting Fate"

 It somehow left me deep impression and without realizing it, tears flowed.

Whatever challenges that I thought I had gone through, the tests that Allah gave this chap was heavier. Whatever hurdles and bumps that I stumbled upon seemed nothing compared to his. I can’t describe how fortunate we are to be able to work in our chosen field; and I’m ashamed to admit that even with that sometimes I have a lot of complaints.

Reading an overview of this young lad’s journey made me humble, really really humble. I am living some of my dreams, it would shameful if me as healthy as I am not putting my all towards my work and my life, not using every second towards something beneficial for myself and others and for my share in the hereafter. How fortunate are we to be given good health and time?

It is true that you appreciate life more when you remember death.

How can I spread the little message towards those in similar journey as mine to treasure what we have, work as best as we can to find God’s blessing and stop complaining and finding excuses?
How can I send the little message for us to be thankful everyday and to be positive and optimist in whatever situation that befalls us?
How can we remind each other of this everyday?

Sincerely,
Me.