Monday's Reflection

One Step

Took this picture to remind me in the future of my first Reg call- the 6th call
The first on-call wasn't so bad, the second one I could only catch an hour of sleep
Feels like quite some time ago, the no-sleep on-call ^.^;

So the first step was taken,
Survived it, thank goodness. But my first MROC, weekend call to top it off, will come next week- am guessing another bout of palpitation will come sometime within 48 hours prior to that on call.... ^.^;
It sounds like I'm putting on a big drama, doesn't it?
But for a commitment-phobic like me, yeah, it feels like a big deal

A great teacher left us these words during our final year,
Toughen up during housemanship; even when you're tired or completely knocked down, just don't complain. Do your best, make sure to give it all you've got in these 2 years. Don't be calculative (exact words were 'jangan berkira sangat') with your colleagues, cover for them, have good teamwork!

That was sort of a mantra, and a frequent reminder when I was a house officer
Now even after that phase has passed, the whole message still stands, no matter which level you're at, you do need to toughen up, don't be calculative, have good teamwork... and this insyaAllah will ease your journey.
May Allah bless her caring soul...

Throwback: Face Down (2012)

Crossroads

Excuse me while I contemplate on life
At this age, I’m kind of ashamed that I still go through this kind of struggle
But,
Watch me grow
Walk with me
Watch me break through my struggles
In the hope of becoming a better person
One who can contribute to humanity, life, and my deen
InsyaAllah

Life is about making choices

From the smallest, trivial ones you have to make on a daily basis

To the important or life-changing decisions

I made my decision 

There’s no doubt that I want to progress and make that jump one day

I have made up my mind the moment I applied for Masters

I knew this day would come

But I’m still too scared to take that jump, to hold that title, to carry that responsibility

They said “with big role comes big responsibility”

Recently Sakurai Sho (of Arashi) said “with freedom comes a big responsibility”

I’m surprised at his statement, but I can understand from where he’s coming from;

You are given the freedom to make your own choices

You have to take accountability of the choices that you made

And you follow through

And you do your best to uphold that responsibility

Because in the end, it will come back to you

Some outcomes are measurable

But some aren’t so easy to measure

Your life satisfaction for example

Are you happy with the choices that you made?

I have made my choices

And I’m walking through these decisions,

Amidst my ongoing struggle to break through from my inferiority complex and my introvert personality

Yet, it still doesn’t hold back the fears that I’m having

I still feel incompetent

I still feel like I’m doing mistakes,

I still feel like other people are unsatisfied with me

Then I become more and more scared

I’m becoming angrier and angrier

I’m always in a bad mood these past few days

And I’m upset with myself most of the time

And finally I broke down

And I prayed,

Then it felt slightly better

The weight on my shoulder became just slightly bearable

And that palpitation calmed down a bit

And that anxiety simmered down a little bit

And I can breathe slightly better

At this juncture, there’s no more turning back

I should just hold my head high and face it forward

And hope to be more confident

And pray I make the best choices

The first step is usually the hardest one to take

And I’m sure I’ll be facing more and more hurdles as time goes by

So I might just as well bite it and give my best

And pray everything will come out alright

Tawakkal...

Ya Allah Ya Fattah… Iftah Alaiyah….


Please excuse me while I contemplate on life

[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]

새로운 시작은 늘 설레게 하지

모든 걸 이겨낼 것처럼---

내가 지쳐 쓰러질 때까진

어떤 이유도

어떤 변명도

지금 내겐 용기가 필요해---

It's always exciting to start over

Like you're gonna get through everything---

Let's start from now

Whatever the reason,

whatever the excuse

I need courage right now---

[ 시작 by Gaho (Itaewon Class OST)]

credits : https://lyricstranslate.com

 

//Trying to concentrate in Epilepsy Made Easy online course. Felt so long ago I joined a full-day course... The new norm, teachings are done online, social distancing is priority to break the infection....

When I joined MMed programme for Internal Medicine, Year 4 seemed so far away... The registrars at that time were very impressive, detailed, and confident. I wondered if I would be able to get to that stage one day.

That was in mid-2017.

3 years have passed, it's 2020 now. A lot has happened; we're still in the midst of pandemic and living in a new norm.

At the end of our second last posting, in the feedback session, I realized I still haven't overcome one weakness of mine that has plagued me for as long as I remember. I knew at that time I said to myself, give me a little bit of time, I'll overcome it.

Then we had the exam in February, where the self-confidence just plummetted further realizing I still don't know much... I take it as a miracle that I passed the theory paper. Clinical exam however is postponed due to COVID-19.

Now we are progressing into the new semester, some of us suddenly upgraded to being (pseudo)-Registrars of the ward. That title alone gives me chills and puts a heavy burden on my shoulders. 

They say "with big roles, come big responsibilities."

And I realized it's mainly because I still haven't overcome my (ultimate) weakness: Self-Confidence.

which I don't have.... Self-doubt? I have that, a lot. But the confidence to carry this responsibility as a Registrar, and when we passed, Specialist... I wonder why does it still sound like a far distance goal, something that is out of my reach when it's near?

"The more you learn, the more you don't know"

Yes, we hear that a lot too... and I know this, experiencing it and I still feel like I still have a lot to learn... I still feel like I'm taking small steps and I'm still new to this field. And that scares me.

I guess it's because to have that confidence, you have to know your facts... and facts are something that I don't think I have enough. Yes, you can say all the more reason to learn in MMed... I am trying... But I still don't find it enough... 

And that thought is running through a never-ending loop in my mind, feeding further to the self-doubt that is already peaking inside me... it's like a repeated cycle, an obsessive thought that's running in the background.

I have some real issues here...

...

So maybe.... maybe this break that we unexpectedly received before the second part of the exam is the break that I need to sort out these issues. 

Time to reflect and find solutions. Time to build something.

Time to get used to be in this position and to take a step further...

I have a feeling that I'll be jotting down a lot more entries than expected this year, leaving more footprints, taking it one step at a time. So remember these, Wani :

Try to take a step forward on your own, utter "Ganbatte!"--

まずは自分で踏み出してみて

「頑張れ」そんな安いヤツでいい---

First, try to take a step forward on your own

"Do your best"　Such a simple phrase is fine---

[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]

credits: https://yarukizero.livejournal.com/40047.html

P/S- I love love LOVE the drama Itaewon Class! The development of the storyline & characters, the OSTs, the casts; everything!

Related post : Reflection : One Step - my first entry entering Masters