Madrasah Ramadhan

Her dark eyes were fixed onto the computer screen. Her brain was working fast- absorbing, digesting and letting every word sink deeply into her processing chamber. Minutes ticked and her face scrunched up into a deep frown.

'Where has this girl gone?' The question kept repeating itself at the back of her mind.
As she read more and more of the past 2 years entry of her journal, more questions arose.

'What happened? What has gone wrong in the past year?
What made it change?
How did she become worse?
Has it been slowly progressing for the past 10 months? Or has she always been like this?

'This is not who I want to be! This is not who I worked to be!' She thought disgustedly.

Her gaze snapped towards the mirror next to her study table.
'I don't know who you are anymore' She whispered softly.
'You are not the same person anymore. When?' She asked silently. 'When has everything changed? Why was the personality so different as day and night?'
Or was this person really herself? Has she not recognized it before?
Has she not noticed it before?

It's weird- the different things she always recite in her dua and the different things she's portraying in her character.

"You failed yourself." She told the reflection in the mirror.

She realized now that everything went down hill faster when she thought her friends were purposely hurting her. That night, she recalled, she cried herself to sleep- believing there's no one anymore to listen; no one except the Creator of the Holy Book she was reciting while sobbing till she fell asleep.

The next day, she felt numb and retaliate silently at everything and everyone. She fell back faster into her old-self- hooked up with some of her worse habbits back then and distinctively feeling the feelings she poured in her poem back then- 'Feels like Being Left Alone'.
How long ago was that? 6 years ago? That long, huh?

Ironically, it felt worse this Ramadhan. This Ramadhan was not like last years. No significant better difference and she kept wondering why.
Admittedly, she knows she's an emotional wreck. And she hated it. She needs to solve her problems. She doesn't want to let this Ramadhan goes before settling her emotions, character and attitude.

There's no guarantee that she'll see the next Ramadhan and it will be a total waste if she keeps on wallowing in her darkness without trying to capture the light.

"I want to change –no- I NEED to change" she voiced out loudly. It reverberated throughout her room.

'I am going to change. I will not let 3 years of hardworking waste away. I will change my attitude for the better. I wish for a better character and I will work for it.
It's time to leave this nonsense behind.
It's time to throw this jahiliyah away.
It will be hard, but it will be worth it!'

She took a pen and a paper and started to jot what she wants to achieve before the next Ramadhan, hopefully by the end of this Ramadhan.

This is 'Madrasah Ramadhan' for her.
InsyaAllah...
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Wahh.... lamanya tak 'menulis'. I used to have this 'itchiness' to write a fic/poem back then.... sekarang dah tak de... And tetiba datang balik... 'tangan gatal nak menulis' :p