November 5, 2010


These pretty much summed up how I was feeling early in the morning, 2 days ago...

Fly, fly and keep on flying
Run, run, keep on running
Until you reach your goal, don’t give in
No matter if you’re in pain
Keep on going

Fly, fly soar through the sky
Even if you stop for a while to cry
This long journey you have chosen
Is known to have ups and downs

If you’re tired, rest for a while
If you look back, you might smile
Yes it has been one long journey to travel
Yes you have stumbled and cry and fell
But you’re here
the end of the first phase is near

And this pretty much sums up what I'm feeling when I was writing what I wrote above and what I'm feeling now....

僕が選んだ毎日なのに 迷ったりヘコんでみたり
写真の中の無邪気な僕は 果たしてなんて言うんだろう

忘れかけた 大事なもの 抱えて
それでも続く道ならば 信じるままに歩こう

 - From 嵐's Mukae ni Iku Yo

It's been 8 years.... most of the time I think I'm still not good and not ready to work. Everyday, the thought of exams makes me worried, not just because they're important exams, but the bigger questions of "Will I be a safe doctor?" and "Do I know enough?" and "Am I ready? Am I trustworthy enough?" keep on pounding in my head. They all lead to "Why did I choose this in the first place?"
There's a part of me that wants to finish quickly but there's also a part of me that's scared. Is there any part of me that's feeling excited to go out there and work? None at this moment.

MAJOR self doubt. I know. And it comes now, during the critical time *headdesk*

There, I said it out in the open. How long have I been feeling this and carrying this without telling a soul about it, even with some strong compulsion to meet some of my mentors?

You don't want to know.