March 9, 2012

Morning Light

Second posting, 5 months in total

There are times where I'm still scared of doing things
There are times where I still don't feel confident
There are times where I'm still unsure of what to do
Sometimes I feel that time flies too fast
But sometimes it feels so slow
There are days where it's so nerve-wrecking
There are sleepless night; and peaceful on-calls
There are happy days when you see your patients get better
Or grim days when you noticed they deteriorate
Or came too late with complications...
There are days where it's okay
But there are days so busy and overwhelming, we can't even sit
I always say this- it's 'underrated', this being a 'district' hospital

My first experience with patient collapsed during on-call, I panicked

My first patient that was 'DNR'-ed, I almost cried
And when I was really confused and needed to talk to someone, Mom isn't around
Without realizing it, I was sobbing; outside it was raining heavily

This job, I knew I made my choice years ago
I'm still slowly learning, building up my confidence, trying to instill right practices
It is tiring and challenging- physically and mentally
I often miss my family, hang-out buddies, holding the camera, watching plays, enjoying coffee,
And most of the time it made me homesick, being 4 hours away from home
Often, I ended up questioning myself if this is what I really want

But one thing for sure,
So far not a day passes by that,
I pray so that patients get well without any complications,
That we are guided so that we manage the patients as best as we can

This is still baby-steps I'm taking...