Rambling of an absent mind

Forgive me for this entry. For a few moments I'm feeling like my old self- when I was 15-18 (and maybe a bit of 19) Thus this entry will sound more like when I first started blogging in August last year.

I'm listening (streaming is more like it... mati la... sure my uni Netusage turun lagi banyak... dah la nak balik, so malas nak top up... ah, biar aa!) to a 'soothing' song from aspirasi.net and I love it 'cos it's fully flute (or maybe some woodwind family instrument if not flute), guitar (acoustic I think) and violin. I can't resist the sound of violin and piano, makes me all sappy and melancholic! *rolleyes*

When I got back from school this morning, I was thinking it might be good to spill everything in my head into my private journal... When I looked up onto the laptop screen, I neglected that thought. And now hearing this music again, I feel like jotting it down somewhere.

Fear... fear of failing;and blaming myself for wasting a lot of time and energy. Yet, I've never learned, huh? One minute you're full with determination, and next you forget your vow. How many times do I have to keep on reminding myself to change my habit and attitude? What could be a driving force for that? Work? Busied yourself with uni's activity? I don't know, but at the moment I'm prepared to try just about anything so this could work out.

Different emotions ran through my mind today. Calm and happy... then panic and restless... then fear and paranoia... then I feel like shutting myself from everyone else... 'don't you DARE ask me any questions' That was what I was thinking if anyone I meet try to ask me the question.

Then as I read the news, I felt surge of anger from my heart. Luckily I'm not the person who's so easy to swear around.. my tongue was not trained to speak up the dirty language even though throughout this journey my ears and eyes often came across the words. Al-Fatihah to Palestinian President, Yasser Arafat... Semalam petang masa called Ima, I told her... 'Eii... kalaulah derang tu semut yg kecik2, dah lama aku pijak sume2 sampai mati... Buat sakit hati je kewujudan derang ni dlm dunia' (well, the last part I added just now :p)

Then I looked back all the emotions that crossed my mind today. Should I feel sad and regret over a few papers? 'Orang Islam tak bersedih' Kata Hasni. "...tidak ada kekhuatiran terhadap mereka, dan tidak (pula) pula mereka bersedih hati" Al-Baqarah ayat 62. 'Biar lah apa nak jadipun sekarang... aku redha... at least aku dah berusaha setakat mana yang aku rasa aku mampu' I thought after Zuhur.

Should I get angry over the news?
'Ketika masyarakat dunia mengucapkan takziah dan berkabung, Perdana Menteri Israel, Ariel Sharon dan Presiden Amerika, George W Bush, menyifatkan kematian Arafat sebagai titik tolak yang membuka lembaran baru terhadap sejarah Asia Barat.' (Source: Arafat Meninggal (Berita Harian) )
What the hell?! Oops... sorry... terlepas... Realitinya, mereka bersorak seorang lagi pemimpin Muslim meninggal... Yes... I loath these people... keep on counting their fingers how many left and to be taken down.

Ok... enough rambling of my absent mind. Anyhow, if anyone happens to know the name of the song I was talking about... pls pls pls pls tell me, so I could hunt for it? I'm sort of addicted to it already!
Time for Asr prayer, then off to library to take a certain book. Tonight might be the last Tarawikh. The other day I was so sad it's the end of Ramadhan I almost cried. Hopefully I still live next year to see yet another Ramadhan huh?

Wallahualam...

Post-scriptum: I keep on going to Geng Jurnal and have a look around... Hmm... very magnetic attraction... Am I attracted to it? Haha! Dream on, girl!