Crossroads

Excuse me while I contemplate on life
At this age, I’m kind of ashamed that I still go through this kind of struggle
But,
Watch me grow
Walk with me
Watch me break through my struggles
In the hope of becoming a better person
One who can contribute to humanity, life, and my deen
InsyaAllah

Life is about making choices

From the smallest, trivial ones you have to make on a daily basis

To the important or life-changing decisions

I made my decision 

There’s no doubt that I want to progress and make that jump one day

I have made up my mind the moment I applied for Masters

I knew this day would come

But I’m still too scared to take that jump, to hold that title, to carry that responsibility

They said “with big role comes big responsibility”

Recently Sakurai Sho (of Arashi) said “with freedom comes a big responsibility”

I’m surprised at his statement, but I can understand from where he’s coming from;

You are given the freedom to make your own choices

You have to take accountability of the choices that you made

And you follow through

And you do your best to uphold that responsibility

Because in the end, it will come back to you

Some outcomes are measurable

But some aren’t so easy to measure

Your life satisfaction for example

Are you happy with the choices that you made?

I have made my choices

And I’m walking through these decisions,

Amidst my ongoing struggle to break through from my inferiority complex and my introvert personality

Yet, it still doesn’t hold back the fears that I’m having

I still feel incompetent

I still feel like I’m doing mistakes,

I still feel like other people are unsatisfied with me

Then I become more and more scared

I’m becoming angrier and angrier

I’m always in a bad mood these past few days

And I’m upset with myself most of the time

And finally I broke down

And I prayed,

Then it felt slightly better

The weight on my shoulder became just slightly bearable

And that palpitation calmed down a bit

And that anxiety simmered down a little bit

And I can breathe slightly better

At this juncture, there’s no more turning back

I should just hold my head high and face it forward

And hope to be more confident

And pray I make the best choices

The first step is usually the hardest one to take

And I’m sure I’ll be facing more and more hurdles as time goes by

So I might just as well bite it and give my best

And pray everything will come out alright

Tawakkal...

Ya Allah Ya Fattah… Iftah Alaiyah….


Please excuse me while I contemplate on life