새로운 시작은 늘 설레게 하지
모든 걸 이겨낼 것처럼---
내가 지쳐 쓰러질 때까진
어떤 이유도
어떤 변명도
지금 내겐 용기가 필요해---
It's always exciting to start over
Like you're gonna get through everything---
Let's start from now
Whatever the reason,
whatever the excuse
I need courage right now---
[ 시작 by Gaho (Itaewon Class OST)]
credits : https://lyricstranslate.com
//Trying to concentrate in Epilepsy Made Easy online course. Felt so long ago I joined a full-day course... The new norm, teachings are done online, social distancing is priority to break the infection....
When I joined MMed programme for Internal Medicine, Year 4 seemed so far away... The registrars at that time were very impressive, detailed, and confident. I wondered if I would be able to get to that stage one day.
That was in mid-2017.
3 years have passed, it's 2020 now. A lot has happened; we're still in the midst of pandemic and living in a new norm.
At the end of our second last posting, in the feedback session, I realized I still haven't overcome one weakness of mine that has plagued me for as long as I remember. I knew at that time I said to myself, give me a little bit of time, I'll overcome it.
Then we had the exam in February, where the self-confidence just plummetted further realizing I still don't know much... I take it as a miracle that I passed the theory paper. Clinical exam however is postponed due to COVID-19.
Now we are progressing into the new semester, some of us suddenly upgraded to being (pseudo)-Registrars of the ward. That title alone gives me chills and puts a heavy burden on my shoulders.
They say "with big roles, come big responsibilities."
And I realized it's mainly because I still haven't overcome my (ultimate) weakness: Self-Confidence.
which I don't have.... Self-doubt? I have that, a lot. But the confidence to carry this responsibility as a Registrar, and when we passed, Specialist... I wonder why does it still sound like a far distance goal, something that is out of my reach when it's near?
"The more you learn, the more you don't know"
Yes, we hear that a lot too... and I know this, experiencing it and I still feel like I still have a lot to learn... I still feel like I'm taking small steps and I'm still new to this field. And that scares me.
I guess it's because to have that confidence, you have to know your facts... and facts are something that I don't think I have enough. Yes, you can say all the more reason to learn in MMed... I am trying... But I still don't find it enough...
And that thought is running through a never-ending loop in my mind, feeding further to the self-doubt that is already peaking inside me... it's like a repeated cycle, an obsessive thought that's running in the background.
I have some real issues here...
...
So maybe.... maybe this break that we unexpectedly received before the second part of the exam is the break that I need to sort out these issues.
Time to reflect and find solutions. Time to build something.
Time to get used to be in this position and to take a step further...
I have a feeling that I'll be jotting down a lot more entries than expected this year, leaving more footprints, taking it one step at a time. So remember these, Wani :
Try to take a step forward on your own, utter "Ganbatte!"--
まずは自分で踏み出してみて
「頑張れ」そんな安いヤツでいい---
First, try to take a step forward on your own
"Do your best" Such a simple phrase is fine---
[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]
credits: https://yarukizero.livejournal.com/40047.html
Related post : Reflection : One Step - my first entry entering Masters
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