I've been wanting to jot something down here... But a series of events since my last entry rendered me unable to write. I've written a few entries though in my personal journal, for a time like this- reflecting and analyzing.
I keep thinking, it's a bit weird that in my mid-30s, this kind of thought and struggle would surround my life. I would have never imagined walking down this path; I mean, back then you would have expected by mid-30s, walking through to 40s, you would have had a stable career, building a home and family and perhaps embarking into a more mature stage in life.
But perhaps God has different plans for everyone. And I guess to each their own story, struggle, and journey.
You'll notice that I'm repeating the same word again and again- struggle.
Because that has been going on for the past almost one month.
Now that I'm looking back, I think the snowballing started off mid of July and then a series of events at work fed to the negative feelings and thoughts, and everything became too overwhelming that I broke down and stopped functioning for a while.
While recovering -if you would call it that- I noticed that I had the same recurring thoughts that fed to my fear and anxiety. And it spiraled out of control to a point of suffocating me and it started to disturb my work as my-self esteem plummeted more and more. It got to a point where I contacted my colleague in Psychiatry for help as the methods that used to work in alleviating the stress weren't working anymore and I kept crying at small disturbing thoughts.
The most dangerous thing during that period was how I thought I was doing okay and believed I was doing so.
Until the thought of wanting to sleep and not waking up anymore screamed louder than my own thought.
That short 48 hours of my life -when I had a small taste of not being able to feel other emotions than sadness, desolation, isolation, frustration, and everything seemed dark around me- was not something that I ever wanted to feel again, to be honest. I couldn't laugh or smile, or even enjoy the slightest thing. I only cried.
This might sound dramatic, but now that I'm out of that box, I think I am finally able to understand why someone can choose an extreme way out and I can say that it has nothing to do with either you're a religious person or not. It's that extreme fear that you're trying to get away from and anything else seemed like a better option, a way out compared to that fear.
And it's not that I didn't want to reach out or talk to someone... I had a lot of people whom I trust around me at that time- my mom, my closest cousin, my closest friends. I just didn't know how to reach out, what to say and how to express it... and the worst part was, I knew how to put an act like everything was okay.
A stressor may seem trivial to one person, but a similar situation may give a totally different effect on another and they may struggle differently too. I guess in those moments, even though some time alone would be good, it's important to check on them and don't leave them be too long on their own.
It's true that different people cope differently but I believe it's also helpful to express the troubles and not bottle everything up even though you feel like you know what's going on and you think that you've got this in your hands.
Trust me, I listed down the problems one by one, where the roots were, what the triggers were and I even listed what I've tried to overcome the fears, doubts, and worries. And let me tell you it included prayers, short retreat with my family and I even forced myself to join the group exercise just to get those endorphins going.
But Alhamdulillah, God sent me an unexpected friend whom I ended up opened up to, and perhaps hearing myself out loud and admitting them to someone did make some difference.
I am thankful that today I am able to wake up without that heavy feeling and finally able to enjoy life and able to function. And yesterday was the day I woke up and felt... almost normal, and I'm almost back to my old self.
Saying this, my self-esteem issues not yet resolved, but I'm working on it insyaAllah
This is just a reminder to myself, to be kinder to myself and other people next time I see them struggling with life... and not to judge too fast... You never know what's going on in their life...
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