#np풍경(Scenery)byV
Who would have thought that in 2020 things went by the
way it did. It's the last day of August, in Malaysia we are celebrating our
63rd Independence Day in a new norm, with the theme of "Malaysia
Prihatin".
For most of us, time probably stand still for quite
some time, went for a slow-mo maybe, or perhaps just downright disaster. Amid the battle against COVID-19 pandemic
worldwide, there were many sad, frustrated and devastating happenings as well for
the past 8 months. While some are starting to make some recovery, some decided
to contribute to that recovery, some are perhaps still stuck and struggling.
On a more personal level, August has been an
up-and-down roller-coaster ride for me. I was looking forward to the end of August
initially, mainly because I'd turn 36 on the 28th, thinking how should I spend
the day... but the concatenation of events starting in February this year had a
complete different course for me.
The realization of the weight of the responsibility
and accountability that I'd carry in the next phase of my career, to be honest,
scared me to death. Literally. Just thinking about it alone is terrifying. I
talked about this to my confidante just before my part 2 theory exam- at that
time I wasn't just unprepared for the exam, but I was also unprepared for the
title and responsibility that come along with passing the exam. I even thought
of deferring... that's how scared I was. And that fed to my self-doubt and
self-critique about my own work-competency.
But life must go on, we passed our theory paper...
Miraculously.
And then COVID-19 happened.
Time stopped.
While most sectors paused due to world-wide lockdown,
the essential services went on. And we're part of it. So exams aside, work came
first.
Until 2 months ago when things eased up and
daily activities resumed with new norms, the essential services also continue. And for us, the postponement of our exam means we have slightly a
little bit of time to prepare.
But you know what happened to that fear I had
previously? It snowballed. Slowly at first, but incidents after incidents just
pushed it into an avalanche.
Some people perhaps had a little break during the
lock-down. But some of us didn't. And I can't afford one when the exam is just
around the corner. We couldn't slow down, we had to shift gear.
Taking a completely different role in the new semester
while have not yet passed the exam- new on-call role, new seniority role,
covering the roster, trying to catch up with studying, and at the same time trying
to abate your fear, anxiety, and self-doubt, perhaps I had a little too much on
my plate.
To some people, perhaps work is just.... work, you
know... but our work deals directly with someone's health and to an extent life
and death situation. So perhaps that weight... I thought I wasn't ready to
carry them yet. Part of me still thinks I still am not ready yet, to be honest.
And when that thought repeatedly invaded your mind and playing recurrently without you being able to stop it, like an unhealthy obsession, you can even
spiralled down into 'depression'. Pretending to be okay, while suffocating and
unsure how to reach out for help, it consumed me to a point I just wanted
things to end quickly. Now that I'm out of that box, I never want to feel that
feeling of desolated anymore. Ever.
Because nothing I did was able to take me out of it.
God perhaps had a different plan for me from what I
had in my mind. And He sent me help through means that I didn't expect. And I
realized, perhaps I should have been kinder to myself, less harsh of a critique
and lean more on others a little bit more.
Many years ago, I learned that when you fall, it's what
you choose to do after that fall that matters.
How fast you want to get up? How long you want to stay down? What method will
you use to get up? These are things that will decide on your next step and
future journey.
And in that small, heavy climb I'm taking at the
moment, I know that some things are just unavoidable. Responsibility and
accountability towards your job and your life choices, the words you choose, and
the actions you take, they will all come back to you. If not soon or the near
future, it will be later. And if you're a Muslim, all of these will be
questioned on the Day of Judgement- hence the concept of Ihsan.
I'm closing this August chapter with a new prologue
for September; a new challenge, to rise and climb.
Perhaps all of this sounds a little dramatic. Maybe it
is. But this is my book of journey. So, here's to the 36-year-old me: hang in
there, don’t give up, and may the next adventure bring more beneficial
knowledge and wisdom, and be kind to all.
Watch this, this is my scenery at this moment.
Sidenote,
Happy 63rd
Independence Day, Malaysia!
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