A Year-plus Later

Unfiltered.
these thoughts I'm having in my mind now, that I'm penning down

Journaling was my vent-out session.
It started back when I was 11 or 12. Most of them were fear, silent frustration, teenage-angst outburst, battles, and conflicts against myself; and it went on until the completion of high school.

Then I moved most of them online- mainly acted like letters to Mom when I was studying in Perth, things that I couldn't find ways to voice out during phone call, I penned them into online blogging and posts.

And then big hiccups happened, and I was back home.
And social media platforms opened up and evolved throughout the years.
We also changed following the trend.
I still wrote privately, though, from pens and books, then cataloging them into different Word files.

Subsequently, less and less onto this particular platform.
Mainly because I found different ways to vent-
SocMed, live-vent to trusted circle;
And different distraction, healing, venting method- travel, volunteer works, courses and classes (for some reasons), and physical activities which included hiking, running, working out...

Hence less and less onto here.

Past few years however, it was no longer because I found different methods to vent
It was more like, I became so withdrawn and cocooned so much into self-doubt and fear, that I have lost the ability to vent and voice out. The recurring thoughts that were self-destructive were eating up whatever salvation I had. 

My time froze.

Until last August-September, 2025:

New surrounding that was somewhat refreshing, almost like stepping out of a "comfort zone"
A short reflection session with a mentor, which brought an impact that I never anticipated-

Chatting sessions to suddenly became breakdown sessions unexpectedly, and I guess were some push that I needed, to let my ears listen to the silent recurring thoughts that were haunting me-

A sudden decision to hit back into the gym, persuaded by the same cousins who roped me in 6-7 years ago, thinking that I needed that back-up support system on top of calculating on how to build some reserve to avoid, or at least delay the sarcopenia and cognitive impairment-

Talking to different people whom I've never really had a deep talk with previously and meeting fresh people with different perspectives; these have helped to push me off the edges and made me realize that falling isn't too bad.... yes, it hurt, but I just have to pick myself back up again-

Now,
I feel like time has slowly moved again
A bit less scary now that I'm slowly taking the definitive steps out of the "comfort zone"

Don't get me wrong...
The fear is still there- the commitment-phobic self that had been created for the past almost three decades wouldn't be an easy feat to overcome
I still have a lot of work to do on myself-
It's like, after one hurdle that you thought had drained all your blood, sweat, and tears, and that's it, there was nothing tougher than what you had gone through, another mountain and terrain suddenly reveal themselves to you...

BUT!

But we'll get there.

One step at a time.

One.
step.
at.
a.
Time.

p/s- out of the many trials, facing the you-who-have-a-lot-of-doubts a.k.a. myself is the toughest still.

Sekian, bebelan dan reflection tengah malam.