Panda Run! I mean, Panda Rolls

 So yesterday I had my first fun run; after days being "badgered" by a colleague to do so (and she succeeded in pulling not only me, but another friend as well) I repeatedly said to them I can't run (which was true) and we would only walk. And since we're all on the same page, that was really the agreement.

Until I kinda.... walked slightly faster than them (>.<)
To be honest, I kinda surprised myself- at the little stamina that I had to sustain short run and fast-pace walk, and at how much I enjoyed it. Maybe those hours at the gym helped. Maybe my sister's advice on "try to go as fast as you can without compromising your breathing pattern". Maybe putting on upbeat songs while walking/jogging/running helped.

//Us, before starting

//And we finished!

//See how cute the finisher medal is!

So after run, we makan la kan? XD

Anyway, now entering 2nd year, we have a bit more time over the weekends if not doing on-calls. Supposedly that time is filled with studying, yeah I know... but one thing lead to another, we have yet to restart the engine of the study group. Past 2 semesters, we used the time after work to sit down and discuss questions, but now even after office hours we're still seeing referrals so there need for a dedicated time over the weekends for group discussion.

But 3rd sem is approaching the end fast and we're still yet to start the engine... Being into rotations with minimal people is also not helping. Ilham and I were having hard time adjusting to it; it's slightly better now but we're still agitated receiving referrals.

And I've added an extra activity into my already busy schedule- trying to keep up with 150 mins per week of physical activities. I guess there was a reason why I got into Endocrine as my first rotation this sem- giving advises like "cut down your sugar" and "you have to exercise at least 150 minutes per week, activities that make your heart rate goes up and you to sweat" are only believable when you're doing it yourself. At least now I can look into my patients' eyes and say these mantra without feeling guilt.

Working out for me also means venting out all those frustration and pent-up anger etc. You kinda literally feels lighter and satisfied after a good session, thanks to the endorpins and dopamine released. I think I have a better sleep and better energy at work too.

And those days I go to the gym, those are my happy-pill days because I got to spend time with my cousins! 

//Ok, this was when we went out for dinner, but these 2 girls are part of my support system for a long time :)

Now that I steadily scheduled exercise into my routine, the question is, how to fit in studying into the equation? Questioning myself this means that I'm entering a panic mode. Exam is only 3 semester down the road. (>,<)

Sticky Note 1-2018 : Madrasah Ramadhan (1)

//Sticky Note:

I am still somewhat green in this field, still learning the ropes and steps but sometimes when you’re working in this field, in general medicine especially, you’re sort of "immune" when you’re dealing with dying patients / death. Automatically there’s this invisible, protective barrier surrounding you, devoid of any emotions so that you can manage your next patient without having the recurrent thoughts of that particular patient looping in your mind.

I still remember the first time I encountered a patient that we (the team) issued “DNR” (read: not for active resuscitation, for best supportive care) in my second posting as a House Officer, I was shaken and I almost cried (read here). At the time, I kept asking myself if I did the right thing.
Nowadays, issuing DNR when indicated (i.e. when we postulate that the prognosis is poor) is something that is not as hard as before.

But my first referral in Resus during on-call last Monday, I lingered around longer than expected, trying to make sure the patient and family knows what was happening, what was bound to happen and how we planned to deal with it. A young gentleman with terminal metastatic cancer and we know that nothing much we can offer except for comfort care; to counsel him while he was still awake and aware, something struck my core.

He’s not much older than me, and he’s probably at the end of his life. I wonder how it feels to be in his shoes; not being able to do much and depending on others to care for him, with shortness of breathand his bloods showing multiple organ impairments… when I was counselling his sister, I myself almost tear up.

Another recent young death, Mr Ali Banat, also resonated in similar way- a young gentleman who passed away recently due to cancer, being able to contribute up to his last breath. These people were given chance by Allah, to prepare before they breathe their last breath.

But what about us?
Have we atone enough?
Have we seek for forgiveness from The Creator and other mankind whom we’ve wronged previously?
Have we settled all our debts?
Have we save enough merits for the hereafter?

“Ya Allah, iftah ‘alayya”

May 15th

//Zira, Mama and Me

This is my mom, the middle one.
Every year, there will be wishes of "Happy Mother's Day" in mid-May. We're lucky that Mama's birthday falls on May 15th, a couple of days after Mother's day. Mama is even happier that her first grandson's birthday is only a day before her birthday- when my SIL's EDD (expected date of delivery) was on 24th of May, she was praying it fell onto her birth date instead XD But Muhammad was born 1 day earlier. Nevertheless, it's like a double celebration.

Everywhere children wish their mothers Happy Mother's Day; some celebrate with special occasions, dinners or meals, some write on lengthy but beautiful speeches on social media, some forwarded gifs and wishes online and on whatsapp; anything to get the message across- Happy Mother's Day, thank you Mum(s). To most, their Moms are the best Mothers; well, logically they are right?

Mine's too.
She was working when we were growing up, but took early retirement because Dad was transferred to East-Coast. That was when I was 16. 2 years later, I went and studied abroad and one advice that stuck on to me even until now is- "whatever you do, let us (parents) know first before we find it out through other people (we have got spies all over)"- that was said to me when I was 15, while I was still in KL and I brought it with me even when I was in Perth :P
So she was the first one to listen to my ups and downs, my tales and wails, my adventures and sorrows when I was in Australia. She was a patient ear to my every phone call and I was glad I could tell her everything.

Only later on when I came home did I learn that she wasn't too keen of me pursuing my dream back then in studying medicine (abroad) but never once did she object it in front of my face, and I am glad she did not... In return, my sister and I decided to do our housemanship away from home, so she and Dad wouldn't see it firsthand how 'gruesome' the journey could be (okay, that was an exaggeration but not that far off.. the two years flew quite fast than expected).
Even so, she was there when I decided for a semi-impromptu day-trip back to KL to watch a movie (and accompanied me for breakfast and lunch in MidValley XD ; entry here) and joined ChocoMon's trip to USJ and Legoland (entry here) where she was sorta 'tricked' into getting onto the Revenge of the Mummy (sorry, Mama, really, I am!)

Then I came home to continue working as a medical officer in Putrajaya, commuting daily from KL; and she's still there, supporting me in every step- every littlest story that I have, to every non-spoken gestures I made, she's still here. Even when I decided to take that impromptu trip abroad before getting into Masters programme, she came with me...

No words can convey how thankful I am, how thankful we are to you, Mama.
Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day, for being awesome superwoman you are. May you always be blessed and be healthy always, Ameen.