#HappyVDay

 Dec 30,

#HappyVDay
#HappyBirthdayTaehyung
#HappyTaehyungDay

Just wanted to jot that down here XD

Despite the monochromic blue & grey, life (still) goes on

Oh, this ground feels so heavier
I am singing by myself
I just wanna be happier
Blue & Grey, BTS

It's November,

Slightly a bit more than a month before 2020 leaves us and we welcome the year 2021

To be honest, 

This year went through like a blur,

That passed by so fast and slow at the same time

It started with a lot of optimism, joy, and exciting plans,

(while at the same time noticing the looming mist of uncertainty as the pandemic news drifting in)

And suddenly we're all in a panic room, 

And I found myself on the ground, face flat with a blank mind,

Unable to even move, the darkness encroaching and suffocating,

Only God knows how desperate I was trying to breathe some air...

And I'm sure I was NOT the only one feeling that way.

What and who pulled me out of those black holes?

It took a long time to move again,

And it took a while to feel like myself again... 

What about you?

As we are left with a few more days before welcoming the new calendar year,

It may be time to start reflecting on how this year has affected us.

My questions to you are:

Have you been robbed of the year 2020?

If so, what are they? 

More importantly, did you gain anything else from what you’ve lost?

끝이 보이지 않아

출구가 있긴 할까

발이 떼지질 않아 않아 oh

잠시 두 눈을 감아

여기 내 손을 잡아

저 미래로 달아나자

There’s no end in sight

Is there a way out?

My feet refuse to move, oh

Close your eyes for a moment

Hold my hand

To that future, let’s run away

Life Goes On, BTS

Less Than 12 Hours Away

Hello,

Hi, I'm dropping by to say that I'm very nervous
For tomorrow and the next 3 days.
It's not just me I'm sure...
Too nervous to even think about what I want to wear for tomorrow

I've been dropping this to my personal journal the past few days
But it still doesn't take away the nerve-wrecking anxious feeling pre-exam 
And I don't want to bother people in my IG and Twitter list

So let me just engrave this here,
That, even after 19 years post-SPM (high school exit exam),
Even after 9 years of post-medical school exit exam,
And 3 years post-MMed part 1,
Exam still induces SVT-like palpitation,
Especially the clinical exam.

Wish us luck!

#SweetNight

If you don't have anything nice to say,
Say nothing at all.

Just observe,
wait and watch,
hold your tongue from commenting,
pause your hand from typing,
and just observe, let the world takes its course

Maybe,
just maybe,
for once you will see the world unfold itself,
and you'll see the beauty of silence,
the meaning of being quiet,
and let the positivity calm your crude remarks

If you don't have anything nice to say,
say nothing at all
and let the sweet night course through silently

And maybe for once,
you'll be able to reflect upon yourself

*This is mainly a reminder for myself
And has nothing to do with Sweet Night by V
Although..... I love the song to death XP

30 more days to exams and counting
Yup, we're entering that panic mode already >.<

Closing August Chapter pt 2: [Scenery] The Reflection

#np풍경(Scenery)byV 

Who would have thought that in 2020 things went by the way it did. It's the last day of August, in Malaysia we are celebrating our 63rd Independence Day in a new norm, with the theme of "Malaysia Prihatin".

For most of us, time probably stand still for quite some time, went for a slow-mo maybe, or perhaps just downright disaster.  Amid the battle against COVID-19 pandemic worldwide, there were many sad, frustrated and devastating happenings as well for the past 8 months. While some are starting to make some recovery, some decided to contribute to that recovery, some are perhaps still stuck and struggling.

On a more personal level, August has been an up-and-down roller-coaster ride for me. I was looking forward to the end of August initially, mainly because I'd turn 36 on the 28th, thinking how should I spend the day... but the concatenation of events starting in February this year had a complete different course for me.

The realization of the weight of the responsibility and accountability that I'd carry in the next phase of my career, to be honest, scared me to death. Literally. Just thinking about it alone is terrifying. I talked about this to my confidante just before my part 2 theory exam- at that time I wasn't just unprepared for the exam, but I was also unprepared for the title and responsibility that come along with passing the exam. I even thought of deferring... that's how scared I was. And that fed to my self-doubt and self-critique about my own work-competency.

But life must go on, we passed our theory paper... Miraculously.

And then COVID-19 happened.

Time stopped.

While most sectors paused due to world-wide lockdown, the essential services went on. And we're part of it. So exams aside, work came first.

Until 2 months ago when things eased up and daily activities resumed with new norms, the essential services also continue. And for us, the postponement of our exam means we have slightly a little bit of time to prepare.

But you know what happened to that fear I had previously? It snowballed. Slowly at first, but incidents after incidents just pushed it into an avalanche.

Some people perhaps had a little break during the lock-down. But some of us didn't. And I can't afford one when the exam is just around the corner. We couldn't slow down, we had to shift gear.

Taking a completely different role in the new semester while have not yet passed the exam- new on-call role, new seniority role, covering the roster, trying to catch up with studying, and at the same time trying to abate your fear, anxiety, and self-doubt, perhaps I had a little too much on my plate.

To some people, perhaps work is just.... work, you know... but our work deals directly with someone's health and to an extent life and death situation. So perhaps that weight... I thought I wasn't ready to carry them yet. Part of me still thinks I still am not ready yet, to be honest.

And when that thought repeatedly invaded your mind and playing recurrently without you being able to stop it, like an unhealthy obsession, you can even spiralled down into 'depression'. Pretending to be okay, while suffocating and unsure how to reach out for help, it consumed me to a point I just wanted things to end quickly. Now that I'm out of that box, I never want to feel that feeling of desolated anymore. Ever.

Because nothing I did was able to take me out of it.

God perhaps had a different plan for me from what I had in my mind. And He sent me help through means that I didn't expect. And I realized, perhaps I should have been kinder to myself, less harsh of a critique and lean more on others a little bit more.

Many years ago, I learned that when you fall, it's what you choose to do after that fall that matters. How fast you want to get up? How long you want to stay down? What method will you use to get up? These are things that will decide on your next step and future journey.

And in that small, heavy climb I'm taking at the moment, I know that some things are just unavoidable. Responsibility and accountability towards your job and your life choices, the words you choose, and the actions you take, they will all come back to you. If not soon or the near future, it will be later. And if you're a Muslim, all of these will be questioned on the Day of Judgement- hence the concept of Ihsan.

I'm closing this August chapter with a new prologue for September; a new challenge, to rise and climb.

Perhaps all of this sounds a little dramatic. Maybe it is. But this is my book of journey. So, here's to the 36-year-old me: hang in there, don’t give up, and may the next adventure bring more beneficial knowledge and wisdom, and be kind to all.

Watch this, this is my scenery at this moment.

Sidenote,

Happy 63rd Independence Day, Malaysia!

If you stumble down, get up.

you can take a bit of rest for a while, but GET UP

and continue your journey...

Related post: Closing August Chapter pt 1: [#Scenery] The Birthday Collection [via my IG @wani_z]

Reflection : [Crystal Snow]

I've been wanting to jot something down here... But a series of events since my last entry rendered me unable to write. I've written a few entries though in my personal journal, for a time like this- reflecting and analyzing. 

I keep thinking, it's a bit weird that in my mid-30s, this kind of thought and struggle would surround my life. I would have never imagined walking down this path; I mean, back then you would have expected by mid-30s, walking through to 40s, you would have had a stable career, building a home and family and perhaps embarking into a more mature stage in life. 

But perhaps God has different plans for everyone. And I guess to each their own story, struggle, and journey.

You'll notice that I'm repeating the same word again and again- struggle.

Because that has been going on for the past almost one month.

Now that I'm looking back, I think the snowballing started off mid of July and then a series of events at work fed to the negative feelings and thoughts, and everything became too overwhelming that I broke down and stopped functioning for a while.

While recovering -if you would call it that- I noticed that I had the same recurring thoughts that fed to my fear and anxiety. And it spiraled out of control to a point of suffocating me and it started to disturb my work as my-self esteem plummeted more and more. It got to a point where I contacted my colleague in Psychiatry for help as the methods that used to work in alleviating the stress weren't working anymore and I kept crying at small disturbing thoughts.

The most dangerous thing during that period was how I thought I was doing okay and believed I was doing so.

Until the thought of wanting to sleep and not waking up anymore screamed louder than my own thought.

That short 48 hours of my life -when I had a small taste of not being able to feel other emotions than sadness, desolation, isolation, frustration, and everything seemed dark around me- was not something that I ever wanted to feel again, to be honest. I couldn't laugh or smile, or even enjoy the slightest thing. I only cried. 

This might sound dramatic, but now that I'm out of that box, I think I am finally able to understand why someone can choose an extreme way out and I can say that it has nothing to do with either you're a religious person or not. It's that extreme fear that you're trying to get away from and anything else seemed like a better option, a way out compared to that fear.

And it's not that I didn't want to reach out or talk to someone... I had a lot of people whom I trust around me at that time- my mom, my closest cousin, my closest friends. I just didn't know how to reach out, what to say and how to express it... and the worst part was, I knew how to put an act like everything was okay.

A stressor may seem trivial to one person, but a similar situation may give a totally different effect on another and they may struggle differently too. I guess in those moments, even though some time alone would be good, it's important to check on them and don't leave them be too long on their own. 

It's true that different people cope differently but I believe it's also helpful to express the troubles and not bottle everything up even though you feel like you know what's going on and you think that you've got this in your hands.

Trust me, I listed down the problems one by one, where the roots were, what the triggers were and I even listed what I've tried to overcome the fears, doubts, and worries. And let me tell you it included prayers, short retreat with my family and I even forced myself to join the group exercise just to get those endorphins going.

But Alhamdulillah, God sent me an unexpected friend whom I ended up opened up to, and perhaps hearing myself out loud and admitting them to someone did make some difference.

I am thankful that today I am able to wake up without that heavy feeling and finally able to enjoy life and able to function. And yesterday was the day I woke up and felt... almost normal, and I'm almost back to my old self.

Saying this, my self-esteem issues not yet resolved, but I'm working on it insyaAllah

This is just a reminder to myself, to be kinder to myself and other people next time I see them struggling with life... and not to judge too fast... You never know what's going on in their life...

"Kimi ni Todoke"....

Re-watching this today

April 5th, 1990 - July 18, 2020

RIP, you.

Let me grieve a little while more...

#nowplaying : Your Eyes Tell

Monday's Reflection

One Step

Took this picture to remind me in the future of my first Reg call- the 6th call
The first on-call wasn't so bad, the second one I could only catch an hour of sleep
Feels like quite some time ago, the no-sleep on-call ^.^;

So the first step was taken,
Survived it, thank goodness. But my first MROC, weekend call to top it off, will come next week- am guessing another bout of palpitation will come sometime within 48 hours prior to that on call.... ^.^;
It sounds like I'm putting on a big drama, doesn't it?
But for a commitment-phobic like me, yeah, it feels like a big deal

A great teacher left us these words during our final year,
Toughen up during housemanship; even when you're tired or completely knocked down, just don't complain. Do your best, make sure to give it all you've got in these 2 years. Don't be calculative (exact words were 'jangan berkira sangat') with your colleagues, cover for them, have good teamwork!

That was sort of a mantra, and a frequent reminder when I was a house officer
Now even after that phase has passed, the whole message still stands, no matter which level you're at, you do need to toughen up, don't be calculative, have good teamwork... and this insyaAllah will ease your journey.
May Allah bless her caring soul...

Throwback: Face Down (2012)

Crossroads

Excuse me while I contemplate on life
At this age, I’m kind of ashamed that I still go through this kind of struggle
But,
Watch me grow
Walk with me
Watch me break through my struggles
In the hope of becoming a better person
One who can contribute to humanity, life, and my deen
InsyaAllah

Life is about making choices

From the smallest, trivial ones you have to make on a daily basis

To the important or life-changing decisions

I made my decision 

There’s no doubt that I want to progress and make that jump one day

I have made up my mind the moment I applied for Masters

I knew this day would come

But I’m still too scared to take that jump, to hold that title, to carry that responsibility

They said “with big role comes big responsibility”

Recently Sakurai Sho (of Arashi) said “with freedom comes a big responsibility”

I’m surprised at his statement, but I can understand from where he’s coming from;

You are given the freedom to make your own choices

You have to take accountability of the choices that you made

And you follow through

And you do your best to uphold that responsibility

Because in the end, it will come back to you

Some outcomes are measurable

But some aren’t so easy to measure

Your life satisfaction for example

Are you happy with the choices that you made?

I have made my choices

And I’m walking through these decisions,

Amidst my ongoing struggle to break through from my inferiority complex and my introvert personality

Yet, it still doesn’t hold back the fears that I’m having

I still feel incompetent

I still feel like I’m doing mistakes,

I still feel like other people are unsatisfied with me

Then I become more and more scared

I’m becoming angrier and angrier

I’m always in a bad mood these past few days

And I’m upset with myself most of the time

And finally I broke down

And I prayed,

Then it felt slightly better

The weight on my shoulder became just slightly bearable

And that palpitation calmed down a bit

And that anxiety simmered down a little bit

And I can breathe slightly better

At this juncture, there’s no more turning back

I should just hold my head high and face it forward

And hope to be more confident

And pray I make the best choices

The first step is usually the hardest one to take

And I’m sure I’ll be facing more and more hurdles as time goes by

So I might just as well bite it and give my best

And pray everything will come out alright

Tawakkal...

Ya Allah Ya Fattah… Iftah Alaiyah….


Please excuse me while I contemplate on life

[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]

새로운 시작은 늘 설레게 하지

모든 걸 이겨낼 것처럼---

내가 지쳐 쓰러질 때까진

어떤 이유도

어떤 변명도

지금 내겐 용기가 필요해---

It's always exciting to start over

Like you're gonna get through everything---

Let's start from now

Whatever the reason,

whatever the excuse

I need courage right now---

[ 시작 by Gaho (Itaewon Class OST)]

credits : https://lyricstranslate.com

 

//Trying to concentrate in Epilepsy Made Easy online course. Felt so long ago I joined a full-day course... The new norm, teachings are done online, social distancing is priority to break the infection....

When I joined MMed programme for Internal Medicine, Year 4 seemed so far away... The registrars at that time were very impressive, detailed, and confident. I wondered if I would be able to get to that stage one day.

That was in mid-2017.

3 years have passed, it's 2020 now. A lot has happened; we're still in the midst of pandemic and living in a new norm.

At the end of our second last posting, in the feedback session, I realized I still haven't overcome one weakness of mine that has plagued me for as long as I remember. I knew at that time I said to myself, give me a little bit of time, I'll overcome it.

Then we had the exam in February, where the self-confidence just plummetted further realizing I still don't know much... I take it as a miracle that I passed the theory paper. Clinical exam however is postponed due to COVID-19.

Now we are progressing into the new semester, some of us suddenly upgraded to being (pseudo)-Registrars of the ward. That title alone gives me chills and puts a heavy burden on my shoulders. 

They say "with big roles, come big responsibilities."

And I realized it's mainly because I still haven't overcome my (ultimate) weakness: Self-Confidence.

which I don't have.... Self-doubt? I have that, a lot. But the confidence to carry this responsibility as a Registrar, and when we passed, Specialist... I wonder why does it still sound like a far distance goal, something that is out of my reach when it's near?

"The more you learn, the more you don't know"

Yes, we hear that a lot too... and I know this, experiencing it and I still feel like I still have a lot to learn... I still feel like I'm taking small steps and I'm still new to this field. And that scares me.

I guess it's because to have that confidence, you have to know your facts... and facts are something that I don't think I have enough. Yes, you can say all the more reason to learn in MMed... I am trying... But I still don't find it enough... 

And that thought is running through a never-ending loop in my mind, feeding further to the self-doubt that is already peaking inside me... it's like a repeated cycle, an obsessive thought that's running in the background.

I have some real issues here...

...

So maybe.... maybe this break that we unexpectedly received before the second part of the exam is the break that I need to sort out these issues. 

Time to reflect and find solutions. Time to build something.

Time to get used to be in this position and to take a step further...

I have a feeling that I'll be jotting down a lot more entries than expected this year, leaving more footprints, taking it one step at a time. So remember these, Wani :

Try to take a step forward on your own, utter "Ganbatte!"--

まずは自分で踏み出してみて

「頑張れ」そんな安いヤツでいい---

First, try to take a step forward on your own

"Do your best"　Such a simple phrase is fine---

[ Fight Song , 嵐 ]

credits: https://yarukizero.livejournal.com/40047.html

P/S- I love love LOVE the drama Itaewon Class! The development of the storyline & characters, the OSTs, the casts; everything!

Related post : Reflection : One Step - my first entry entering Masters

Post-It Note, entering mid-2020

Just a little note for myself,
for future reference, when we look back to the year 2020
And a little bit of Madrasah Ramadhan this year...

I called 2020 a “Waiting game with rapid shuffling surprises”

It lets the Earth rest for a bit,
It opens our eyes to humanity and humility,
and how to be humble;
But it also showed some true colours of human being,
including the ugly truth...
And how small human is, really

This year has brought a lot of changes,
challenges upon challenges,
myriads of emotions,
And lets us think on how to face the days ahead
with sometimes sudden turns that require us to choose completely different, sometimes unthinkable, untrodden paths...

But one thing for sure,
NEVER abandon social distancing even if you're family members, friends, or colleague
(NEVER see patients without proper mask/goggle/face shield)
MUST ALWAYS practice adequate hand hygiene,
and wear mask appropriately.
It NEVER hurt to be extra careful and OCD
In this COVID-19 era

A note to myself...
There's always hikmah behind all this,
if not now, later insyaAllah...

Selamat Hari Raya everyone,
Eid Mubarak
Stay safe

Till next Ramadhan, insyaAllah

Wani Z.
May 23rd, 2020

A.Pause.

Dear World,

فَاِنَّ مَعَ الۡعُسۡرِ يُسۡرًا ۙ‏

 اِنَّ مَعَ الۡعُسۡرِ يُسۡرًا ؕ‏

Indeed, there is ease with hardship.

Most certainly, there is ease with hardship

 Surah Al-Insyirah (94:5-6)